happy dia de las brujas...

last night at la kueva was pretty much dramaless... can we get an amen?? clap for jesus... it was fun. I got mala to come out with me... and she was all latexy in her dominatrix outfit. too bad she was hot as hell.. haha...

i went dressed as myself... well myself being the whore of la kueva. pero anyways. we had fun. cute bartenders... ecuarockero getting all bandy in his kilt... got good advice form yet another little ecua who ripped my name tag off and told me not to let that asshole get me down. that i was pretty and my self esteem should not be affected by a loser... hmmm..
easier said than done, no?
i guess the highlight of my night was when i ran into el argentino and asked him what was up with him... he tells me that he's involved with someone... and that i know that person and us being women it wouldn't be a good idea to be friends.. or some stupid shit like that... what the fuck is wrong with men??? arg... then as i walk outside to complain to mala about the freakin dork argentino i see her talking to el ecuarockero's friend.. and he's mentioning to her that someone was talking about us... he and el ecuarockero were in the bathroom talking about mala and me... when someone... someone short.. tells them.. yeah i was with her. i'm not clear on what else he said but hmmm... let's see... the only person at la kueva that i have been with and is short is the fucking MIDGET!!!! WTF??? and he made it sound like i just fucked him to fuck him.. i was in love with this loser!! we were "together"... or as together as u can be with a freakin guy that has a woman in another country waiting for him. i really hate boys!

my crush showed up as well. although i need to change his name cuz i don't think i'm crushing on him anymore. i mean i like him and all but his flakiness is such a turn off. i said to him... if only things were different between us... he says.. funny how some things turn out. yes it is. sometimes they turn out for the better. i like him as a friend. and i'm ok with it being just that. really i am.

all in all it was a good night. danced a little with my dance partner and my crush... saw people get bandy. went out with my girl...

funny thing ended the night. my mother calls me at like 6 am.. screaming at the top of her lungs... where the fuck are u? what's wrong with u staying out all night u said u were coming home early and we have to be in PA early... eres irresponsable... donde estas carajo??!!!! um... estoy en mi cuarto... estaba dormida ya. ah... y a que hora llegaste? bueno m'jita chao. haha. perfect.

i guess i really am a band whore

at least that's what he said to me last night... or rather this morning.
i went to see el boliviano at la oveja last night.. went to support my friend ya know? i felt strange at first. because el ecuarockero had called me earlier to find out if i was going. and when i got there he was paying more attention to me than he ever has. el boliviano rocked. it was good seeing him get all bandy. and i was glad that we remained friends. well i thought i was.

after watching el boliviano and his band, el ecuarockero and i left to la kueva. he would meet us there later he said to me. so at la kueva i run into my dance partners and start having fun. all the while i'm talking to people el ecuarockero is right there. getting me drinks and we are all having fun. i see el boliviano to the side. watching me. he comes up to me and says.. u seem to be having fun. i say i am thanks. el ecuarockero and i leave at closing... and end up at another bar where i meet some of his other friends. then the phone calls start. where are u? u should be with me. why where u making out with him in front of me? i say. look there is nothing between us. we are just friends. we agreed it was for the best.

i mention to el ecuarockero something about his friend. and it bothers him. he's my friend he says... what happened between the two of u? he says.. u know what we'll talk about it tomorrow... i'm still waiting for his call.

he puts me in a cab. el boliviano calls me again. ur a whore he says. u made me look bad in front of everyone. and ur reputation at la kueva is shit. ur a whore. this bothers me cuz well.. i'm not a fucking whore. i havn't fucked anyone there... then he says... u were all rubbing urself against people it's disgusting... hmmm... rubbing myself against people... nope.. i was dancing with my friends... carajo it's just dancing.

he hangs up on me... then calls back... i'm just letting u know that i'm erasing ur phone number from my phone... um.. ok... hangs up

then calls back... are u still in the cab? yes... i'm worried about u call me when u get home. ur worried about me? a couple of minutes ago u told me u never wanted to speak to me again... hangs up

then calls back... u home? yes. good. i'm glad ur safe. then he starts with the whore shit. that my rep is shit. that i'm shit and he can't believe he ever showed any interest in me. i start crying.. why is he doing this to me? i ask him.. why are u doing this to me... i've done nothing wrong. u did everything wrong.

did i almost lose my best friend for that? did i? what was up with me when i decided that it was ok for me to be interested in a man my friend had slept with? what was up with me that i didn't see how wrong i was. he said he was dissappointed in me... well i am too. because now not only is my best friend pissed at me... but because of this shit it may have ruined my friendship with el ecuarockero.

he just called to find out if i went to work. i call him back.. yes i'm at work.. i thought u were gonna get rid of my number.. oh i will... i was just worried about u... sure.. and this time i hung up.

perfect... except

that i hurt my best friend. it was supposed to be a night for us to forget our problems for a while... it was supposed to be but it turned into this big dramatic thing. El boliviano showed up and i knew there was going to be trouble. I've been talking to him constantly for the last couple of weeks. He's smart, talented and funny. He's a great guy... except that he went for my best girl first. they slept together. that should automatically make me not want him right? but i do. i like him.
so he's there. he's hugging me and kissing me in front of her.. and i tell him he should leave. i tell him that i need to be with my girl. that this wasn't helping the situation. he said he would leave... but he didn't. and she left. and i let her walk away. so i get pissed at him. and i tell him to leave. actaully scream at him to leave... and he does. so now i'm sitting at the bar alone. and i'm sad and i feel alone. and all i want is my best friend. but i let her walk away.
he came back. to pay his tab. and then we talked. and i left with him. I spent the night at his place. talking. sleeping... listening to music. i didn't sleep with him. it was perfect... except that i kept thinking about how i hurt my best friend. she's the world to me. she's the only one i can count on always. and i like to think she counts on me as well. but i let her down yesterday. i was selfish. and i'm sorry. i don't know how else to say how sorry i am.
he just called. and i said to him... this isn't going to work between us. i hurt my friend and i can't do this to her. she's first in my life... for 14 years she's been first in my life. she always will be.
so yes i like him and i'm stepping back. I hope i can keep him as a friend because he's a great guy... it could have been perfect... except that nothing ever is.

spooky

there is a ghost at my job. well actaully it has been said that there are two ghosts. See before this company moved to this space there was another construction company here and the foreman of the shop was violently killed. They call him Frank. Many have seen him. Then there is a former employee that died of medical complications that some have felt but not seen. Now i don't know if it was Frank or the other dude but damn it if i didn't experience something. I was standing in my boss' office making copies of some cds when i here what sounds like a walkman or discman that was left on. I'm forgetful so i turn around to shut off my discman when i realize that my discman ran out of batteries. mas encima... my discman was on the other table. i don't see anything and think ok well ur going crazy... then i realize that i still hear it. and it sounds like people talking very far away. i couldn't make out what they were saying or even if it was in english or spanish... so i turn back to the computer.. close my eyes and decide.. yep i'm scared shitless.. then it stops. later at my boss' house i'm talking to his wife and he overhears and says.. oh that was frank. he's always in my office. yeah he's always in the office... the office where i am right now... the office where every little noise is making me jump. oh god just got a chill... phone just rang... that was scary.. ok i need to snap out of this... is it the first time i've had contact from beyond the grave(dramtic enough.. haha) well if u don't count dreams it is... i mean i practically knew my brother was going to die because my grandfather told me in my dream a week before. but it's never happened when i'm awake... and it's freakin me out a little... i've been told to talk to them.. just let them know.. yo.. take it easy.. i'm working here! damn phone rang again!! ok... must breathe.
isn't this just what i need?? another reason to hate this job!

You heard what???

"i'm just calling to let u know i just heard everything u just said.... you called me by accident."
Now don't i wish i could remember what i had just said. damn it i'm always so good about locking my phone and the one time i forget of course it dials the last person i spoke to. and now i don't know but i think he's pissed, i mean at first he was laughing but that quickly changed. and i don't realy want him pissed at me. why? because this person is quickly becoming a good friend. he's intelligent, funny and fun to hang out with.
problem is that he doens't know that side of me.. the side that he heard last night.. where i talk like a truck driver and am not inhibited by anything. I don't know why but i always give off this impression that i'm a quiet individual and that mala is the crazy one of the fantastic duo.. in truth... i'm just as crazy and sometimes even more so... it just takes me a while to get out of my shell... y pues, i dont' know if i was ready for him to know the fea that grew up with two brother's and all their friends that cursed and talked about the opposite sex candidly. and i just happened to be with a friend that is just as crazy with the cursing and such. and i like this side of me. i like that i can be sweet and cute and all girly but that i have this tough side that will eviscerate you with words if u cross me... and yes girls do talk like that. why not? some of the best words are curse words. i mean they are the first words you learn when taking up a new language... they convey so much.. can be used as any part of speech...
ok why am i trying to make excuses for myself?? that's who i am. that's how i speak when i feel comfortable... and if you knew that i had called you by accident... why didn't you hang up? you came into my space uninvited... *sarg... i just wish i remembered what i said.

happy birthday cholito and sports related injuries

it was my nephew's first birthday party on saturday. he was adorable eating his peice of cake like his life depended on it... too bad he got most of it in his face and hair rather than in his mouth. he loved the Elmo lollipops his tita made him(that would be me). he liked pulling the strings of the elmo pinata(how do u do the tilde on this thing???) but then freaked out when he saw all the kids almost kill each other for whoopers and sourpatch kids... i was one of the "kids" :0)
it was fun. although a little weird. see when we were younger our childhood parties were really for the adults. i think i only had two parties where i actually invited kids to my house.. all other times it was just family... the adults getting drunk and dancing the night away while the kids were in the rooms playing atari or other such games...(damn i'm old). i mean my brother didn't even have beer!!! and when i asked him.. yo where's the alcohol he said... this is a kid's party, and anyways some people can't handle drinking. and i thought - oh shit who told him?? but then i remembered that my brother-in-law has the current title of getting crazy while drunk... because i get drunk and crazy in front of strangers not my family... most of the time.
so after the cake festivities and the pushing of the smaller kids out of my way to get the good candy... we went down to the basement to play the challenging and strategic game of FOOSBALL. we acted like total losers screaming and taking shit to each other. there were 3 teams that took turns at the table... and my cousin chynah doll and i were kicking ass... till she got injured. her wrist just started to hurt and she was unable to defend our goal as efficiently as before... but it was ok cuz i was 100%... then i got injured. my thumb is still swollen. and slowly we lost our lead. till finally we just looked at each other.. after hours of screaming and sweating and painful playing... and quit.. to ice our injuries. foosball.. vicious vicious game.
so after PA... i came home... rushed to get back out to go to the cave. nothing extremely important happened there. had fun as always. hung out with the guys... danced with the guys.. saw the midget... he really needs to stay away from my cave... fucking midget.. but anyways... fun was had by all... the ecuarockero was there... acting strange again.. flake. but i did find out that he thinks i'm in love with him... yeah ok sure.... stop being a flake.
next weekend is costume day... and i still don't know what to dress up as... suggestions from my readers would really help... all three of u :0)

tertuliando?? no i was tutoring...

at least that's what my parents think... yeah till 5am. sometimes to keep the peace u must lie. and sometimes to keep the peace parents believe u and play dumb.
i was so tired on thursday that i missed work... oops.. not that i care. i hate this job.. i think i've mentioned that many many times.
but anyways. the tertulia was fun. El lindo performed which was great. i've known the kid for like 7 years and had read all his shit but never heard him perform it. of course then the dork got hungry and left for a while.. missing mala's performance. Love him to death.. but such a dork! It was also funny watching two girls battle for his attention.
el boliviano showed up... yes we know u don't like being called el boliviano.. pero sabes que? that's what u are!! deal with it. so yes he showed up. and yes he was trying to get either me or mala to go home with him... *sarg... i hate boys. except for the cute little waiter at the place. he so cute in that look at me i'm a geek sort of way... and then there was the sweet sweet bartender from the batcave.... nah i still hate boys.
there were a couple of good performances that night... till we had to clap for jesus.. now don't get me wrong.. i'm super ultra catholic girl... but damn it i hate it when people try to push religion on u... don't be telling me to clap for jesus!! i'll clap for jesus when i want to clap for jesus... like right now.. i'm clapping for jesus.. CUZ I WANT TO!!!! and... if u are gonna put a freakin mathematical equation on a freakin flyer make sure it's a valid one... as a math teacher... that just makes me want to shred the paper and stomp on it.. oh wait i did.. :0)
yesterday was a good day.. day off... stayed at home most of the day... got asked to come over to el boliviano's casa just 10 minutes after he asked la mala.. hmm.. just love being that second choice... *sarg... honey... ur a smart intelligent man.. stop it with the games... we are just too old for that shit.
oooo and i got my cell phone back. woo hooo now my mother doesn't have to field questions from boys when they call my house. and now if i turn up "missing" then people can "find" me.. hehe
ok .. must get to work at this hell hole... i hate this place.. can i get an Amen?? clap for jesus.

today i'm a loser... :0)

Yes... join me in my loser ways hanging out all night at D'antigua.... ok maybe not all night cuz i have to work tomorrow but i will be there giving all the support my chica needs as she wows the crowd once again with her poemas...
we'll be accepting donations in the form of glasses of wine from all who wish to lend a hand to the cause of loserness... take it easy u say?? yeah maybe when i die...
D'antigua
84-16 Northern Blvd
Jackson Heights, NY
Starts at 9:30.. i'll be there... will u???

i'm sick....arg

i'm coughing up a lung..literally. i'm all stuffy... and i'm so very very tired. and i had to come to work today cuz i was out last week two days!!! well actually three days but only two are in this pay period. but i can hardly breath without coughing.. that's bad right?
well... this just in... another family member in el ecua is sick.. or potentially sick.. we find out the results of the biopsy tomorrow... what the fuck is going on???? people.. please wait till i have money to go see you before you get sick!!!
i'm listening to my Cafe Tacuba cd cuz i need something to keep me up... i'm so very tired...
i need to figure out what i'm gonna be for la noche de las brujas... i'm normally a bruja.. so i think i'm gonna go all sexapilosa... ultra low cut vixen... or ulta short vixen?? wait... i was just reminded that i'm already short... haha.. ok so i guess ultra low cut slutty vixen type thing... hmm.. i hope i have somewhere to go...
i wanna go to this haunted house thing one of my students gave me info on... all i know is that if i go.. i better get freakin scared... i'm not gonna waste money just to see some artsy crap.. i wanna scream damn it... scare me!!!
my boss made me uncomfy yesterday again.. i need another job pronto... but i'm sick and i need someone to take care of me... arg :0(

ur grandma's sick... guilt trip

it's no secret i want to go to el ecua. it's no secret that the sooner the better... and it's also no secret that i'm broke as hell... i mean i havn't even gotten my cell phone hoooked up again and that thing was my life.. god i miss my phone. but anyways... so i'm poor. so el ecua will have to wait.. but my grandmother is super sick. sick to the point that this weekend they thought that was it. she's holding on... and asking for me and my bro. she hasn't seen me in 5 years.. hasn't seen my brother in about 7... and she's asking to see us now... and i can't go. i feel horrible.. i want to go to see her... i thought the rest of our family understood that i was out of work for a while... and that i just started working again at a job that pays less.. and i despise... but that's not the case it seems...
-mi mami me conto que la abuelita se puso bien mal este fin de semana... ya esta mejor?
- si ya esta mejor pero parecia que se nos quedaba.. cuando vienes?
-ay prima no se.. no hay plata y con este nuevo trabajo no se.
- pero la abuelita los pide.
-yo tambien estoy desesperada en ir pero no tengo como
- bueno los pasajes han bajado. aprovecha ahora para venir... la abuelita esta bien mal.. te pide... ven ahora...

don't u think i want to go? if i could i would be there now. if i could i wouldn't even question it. just cuz i live here doesn't mean i can just get up and go whenever... making me feel guiltier than i already do isn't helping the situation.
i'm sad because i want to see my abuelita. i'm sad because i can't... and i'm sad because now i feel like the worst grandchild... not making the effort to go... que ingrata... that's what my grandma used to call me when i didn't call her regularly... (u know those phone calls to let her know.. ok ya le mande algo por delgado)... i love my abuelita. i miss her. but what if she's right? what if my cousin has a point in making me feel like shit?? what if i am just una ingrata? what if she spoiled me so much growing up that all i've learned to do is think about myself and not her? what if by the time i can go it's too late? what if?? *sarg... i'm sad

come here often??

that seems to be the question of choice from the people at la kueva. at least from the chicks that get all catty and territorial... bitch i do come here often.. i'm famous.. step aside 'fore i push u aside... arg
La mala was grateful that i made her go out on saturday to la kueva. i don't think i sat once... i danced the whole night. I met up with this little ecua that seemed funny as hell.. till he asked mala for her number... and he still doens't understand why i don't want anything with him now... boys are dumb. his friends were sweethearts though... so nice and so not i wanna get into ur pants. The argentino was there... i like this kid too bad i was there with some other guy. i if i was a bitch then i guess i could've just dumped digit man and hung out with him.. but no.. i'm a nice person. i have to stop being nice. really i do.
so digit man finally gets the poine that i'm not going home with him.. or accepting a ride from his friends... or hanging out with him period and leaves. i stay behind with mala at la kueva where yet another ecua comes up to me and says... a ti no te hace falta nada como mujer.. eres perfecta.. or some shit like that.. this is ecuarockero's friend so i say.. preguntale a el que es lo que me falto. so he does. and ecuarockero pulls me aside and we talk. i explain to him how i was a little disappointed at his flakiness. that i thought there was a connection. he apologized and said he was an asshole. and that he was scared. i explained that i didn't want a boyfriend.. and that i thought that at least we could be friends but i didn't even get that from him... well to make a long draga short. (draga = saga/drama). he says he likes me.. but we have to take it slow.. so friendship is what we have. then he kissed me in front of the cute bartenders and one of them commented on the kiss.. i said i thought we were doing the whole friendship thing... and he said we are... um ok :0)
so after that i take mala to our fav. dinner to have breakfast... i think i really have to be drunk or have just busted my ass on queens blvd for the food to taste good... it was ok...
i ended up getting home like around 7am... damn cab driver took forever. i'm super sober. but that's not enough for the woman... she bursts into my room.. what kind of time is this to stroll into the house? someone called u at 5 am... what the hell type of people do u hang out with... and all other sorts of stupid silly accusations about what i had been doing... so it's 7 am and i'm having a fight with my mom when all iwant to do.. is sleep. damn it i even left the club of my own free will.. but not enough for the woman.
so today i'm recovering from the late night... talked digit man and restated that all we can ever be is buddies... i got a phone call from ecuarockero at 9am.. called him back.. and i have to call el argentino...
hmm.. ecuarockero.. oh no.. i'm getting giddy again.. stop it.. he's a rocker guy.. HE'S FLAKY!!!
hehe.. :0)

deseos de cosas imposibles....

Igual que el mosquito más tonto de la manada
yo sigo tu luz aunque me llegue a morir,
te sigo como le siguen los puntos finales
a todas las frases suicidas que buscan su fin.

La oreja de Van Gogh... last night at LQ. Fun was had by all. I went with my crush who ended up pissing me off a little by the end of the night. but that was not surprising. Why is he my crush again?? hmmm. well at least he got me a backstage pass... that ended up getting me no where.. but at least he tried no? oh yeah.. too bad that he got a ride home from the bitch that gave him the backstage pass... why do i talk to him? why do i like him? i don't even think i want him anymore!!! ok i'm lying.. arg arg arg!!!
but anyhow the concert was great. I jumped and screamed at the top of my lungs which didn't help the sore throat so now i can barely talk. My boss' wife and one of my best girls got so wasted it was funny. she kept saying this is so cool.. u have to bring me to more concerts... it was like it was her first day out of Graham Ave. or something and i was showing her the life. My boss was jumping and screaming as much as i was.
so we get home... i was going to sleep over my girl's/boss' house. and then... i think he made a pass at me!!!! maybe he was joking? but it made me feel a little uncomfy. ay no se. but i'm on high alert now.
but i'm still here. just rolled out of bed. didn't go to work today either. maybe i'll go in later. but damn.. i hate this job so much i'm hoping to get fired!!! *sarg (that's a sad pirate for those of u who don't know).
tonight i'm off to see the butterfly exhibit at the Museum of Natural History. it's my JRHS friends b-day and we always try to get together at least for the big dates... like birthdays and such. Should be fun... too bad i won't be able to scream at the top of my lungs...
oh and i sang a song to my crush... the beginning lyrics are at the top... the song is called... "deseos de cosas imposibles". fitting no??

I'm batman

yes.. that's me.. cuz i've been at la Kueva all weekend. I did come out long enough to start a war bet. two people. well not a war but they are no longer friends. oops?? no se pero this blog thing has more power than we care to admit. people get hurt. people get pissed. and fea is there in the middle... oops? but things are better this way. there were too many misunderstandings and too many hurtful things said and sometimes a girl has to say enough... i refuse to put myself through that any longer... (and it's about time u said it too.. )
but back to the batcave. it was great. i didn't think i would be able to go cuz my "date" cancelled on me last minute.. but i found a group of peeps that were willing to be my "dates". i met up with all the people of D'antigua as well. cool peeps. i saw el ecuarockero get bandy. and then ignore me the rest of the night. wtf?? i thought we hit it off. besides being intense i guess the guy is flaky too. oh well. i hung out till closing. it was fun. met up again with el argentino from a couple of weeks ago and gave him my correct number this time. he called the next day... he seems sweet. wonder if he'll flake as well...
pero that was friday. on saturday i headed back to la Kueva to meet up with the boliviano (see mala's blog for more info). he was freakin late!!! so i had to hang out with the only other person i knew there.. el ecuarockero.. and can i say he was weird again? ignoring me and all that... and i was sitting at his table drinking with his friends.. his excuse was he was tired.. yeah whatever... i met yet another ecua, i'm telling u they are coming out from under all their rocks. and el argentino was there again. but he saw me talking to the ecua guy so he backed off. hmm.. yeah definitely want to get to know him more.
*sarg..i'm tired.. my back hurts from sitting in this freakin chair.. i have a sore throat as well... i hope my back is better for tomorrow's concert... i hope i can yell at the top of my lungs... he rasgado mi vestido con una copa de vino hoy tu amor corta como el crystal...
and.. i've been told that my grammar sucks... well please people.. don't expect to come here and get a literary masterpiece... i write how i speak.. wait.. i write how i talk... deal with it.. :0)

esa vida no te llevara a nada

that's what my daddy said to me today while he was lecturing me. apparantly they , my parents, are worried about me because i've been going out too much. that i've been going out too much and not coming home. that i'm hanging out with new people that i dont' really know. that maybe big fat poopie head leaving has affected me in such a way that i'm on this road of self-destruction. yep... he brought him up again. why? no se. it fuckign pisses me off that my parents talk about him more than i even think about him. pero bueno... que se puede hacer? so i stayed quiet during his lecture. He said that i have to live for the future and not the present. no sorry.. i live for today. because tomorrow quien sabe. perdoname, papi, pero no voy a dejar que lo que me paso con ese pendejo me pase otra vez. quiero vivir.. realmente vivir por hoy. ya mucho vive por el futuro y me quede en nada. si eso significa que voy a salir todos los fines de semanas... que quiero conocer a mas gente... es lo que voy a hacer. y pues... ya tengo 27 y no soy una bruta y es mi vida. but i love u daddy and if i've disappointed u well... well... at least know that i'm living my life for me and not for anyone else. believe that i have learned from those 8 years... and yes maybe him leaving has affected me... in a way that i've realized that i have to live for me and not for him, u or mami. so ... don't wait up for me next weekend.

una sonrisa en mis labios

so i got my much needed sleep last night. it was good. although i realy wanted to go to see ecuarockero. especailly after la mala told me that he asked if i was gonna be there. "there" being the rehersal for the band that Mala was recruited for... there is a smile on my face... wipe it off!!! i'm at work i can't be happy.. i hate this place. it's just my second week and i'm already having problems. not only cuz this place is so argish.. but also the fact that my friend who is the wife of my boss... seems to be getting bothered that i work here. all the sudden she doesn't need me to tutor everyday. all the sudden i call her and she says.. i'll call u back.. and it never happens. and she got into this little jealous fit the other day cuz i went to a meeting with her husband.. hello!! i'm his employee!!! what really bothered me was that he then said to me after he got off the phone.. why did u tell her u came with me.. do u want problems with her??? look guy.. i'm not gonna lie about something so stupid. nope this just doesn't seem to be working out. so.. i guess i'm off to find another job. i'm giving myself a week cuz that's all i can stand of this place. arg.

did i mention that he asked if i was gonna be there? hehe

so tonight i'm gonna go to la kueva once again. i have to apologize to one more person and then i can put this whole drunken business behind me. *sarg i have to apologize to the cute bartender. god he's hot. el ecuarockero's band is gonna play tonight.. i get to see him get all bandy.

so i've decided that i want to stay single. i've decided that i don't want an intense relationship. i've decided that i like my life how it is now. i've decided i like being single and i've decided that i want to be alone. for a while. el rockero's friend told me on wednesday night. take care of my friend.. he's very fragile. dont' get into it with him if u don't mean it.. arg... so do i tell this guy that i don't want anything serious? do i tell him i love being single? is it too soon? i don't know these things.. i'm out of the loop on the whole dating thing as i have mentioned before. but he seems like a really intense guy. super intense and i just dont want that right now. i like him i do.. he's sweet and nice and cool and all that stuf.. but it's just not what i want right now... am i over analyzing again? i do that way too much... oh no my smile.. it's fading... wait...
did i mention he asked if i was gonna be there??? :0)

tertuliando

buenas. Estoy que me quedo dorminda. why? cuz i was tertuliando and got home at like 5am. well Mala was tertuliando i was just the manager/helper/label passer. it was fun. i got to be on stage for a whole 2 minutes!!! i never realized how much i missed being up there with everyone looking at u... ah the good old days of being in a play or having a solo in glee club. but alas those days are gone... too dramatic? haha.
the tertulia was fun. Mala's performance rocked as usual. she freakin owns the tertulia. two of her admiradores showed up. that was funny to watch.. haha. This cool guy that we met on myspace also surprised us by showing up... too bad he had to go to work and missed Mala's performance. and my crush showed up. *sigh. more mixed signals for me...
i was able to apologize to the people that saw me run amok on saturday. they were all really cool. they were like who cares.. we've all done that shit. some couldn't help but make fun of me though. the whole trying to smoke my earphones was just too much i guess. haha. one of the bartenders (not the one i was sweatin) was there yesterday. and mala mentioned to him how embarrassed i was about the whole situation. so he decides that he's gonna tell me that i flashed el Bartender so that i would feel real bad. it would've worked too but mala warned me about it so i played the guy good... he ended up feelig bad and telling me it was a lie.. haha..where's my oscar?
and i got a couple of free drinks as well. this cute in a geeky sort of way waiter gave me a free drink. and this other rockero from el ecua bought me a couple of drinks.
I ended up spending most of the night talking to ecuarockero guy. he's really sweet and stuff. there is an attraction there (is it cuz he gets bandy??) . he said he wants to get to know me and i want to get to know him as well. pero no se. he seems like a very nice guy. but i think i still want to be alone... like really alone. i don't even think i want to date right now. i wanna concentrate on me. he wants me to call him today to see if we can get together later... if not then i'll see him get all bandy at La Kueva on friday. yes, i will be going... but i won't be flashing anyone or smoking my earphones.. so if ur looking to see a show... u won't get one from me.
once again my blog entry is all over the place. i must get some sleep tonight. i'm even wearing my glasses.. arg... good night...

come one, come all

to the tertulia tonight. My girl Mala will be performing and u really don't want to miss it. I don't know how to link yet... arg but here's the info...

D'antigua
84-16 Northern BLVD
Jackson Heights, queens

it starts at 9:30. come buy her a glass of wine before she goes on stage and maybe buy me a glass too?
u will also have an opportunity to see me apologize to all the peeps i aggravated this saturday at La Kueva with my "drunken antics"...
Well here's to u mami.. have a good one..

Reason #1

ok so that little ecua that pissed me off on saturday.. before the "lost time". we were dancing.. or at least i was dancing and he was just moving... and he says to me.. so ur from ecuador? i say yes... and after the normal what part blah blah blah.. he says. but u were born here no? si. ah entonces eres americana....WHAT??? i saw red. What is it about people that they want to label u american just cuz u have a blue passport instead of a green one (i think the ecua passport may be red now... don't know cuz para mi desgracia mine is blue). then it got worse. i tell him no i'm ecuadorian... i'm planning on moving back. and he says.. para que? que vas a hacer alla? mejor estas aqui. now hold up kid. u don't know me. u don't know the life i lead and the life i've led here in this country. i don't think anyone can understand what it means to be a 1st generation north american unless they have lived through it. the poor guy didn't know any better this is true. and it's not his fault that he didn't understand.. but it irked me anyways. it's pissed me off that he assumed that my life would be better here just cuz it's freakin' EEUU.
the truth... and many other latinos will agree... growing up i felt like i belonged no where... i was living this middle ground life were i was too "american" for el ecua and too ecua for "america". I went through an identity crisis as a young child... i held on to my supposed Italian ancestry to validate myself to the white folk. oh u don't look ecuadorian... oh that's cuz my grandfather was italian... but it was never enough. and when i spent those glorious summers in el ecua i was mona to the nth power... i ate my ecua food like a glutton... danced my cumbias and canciones rockeras... but it was never enough. i was neither here nor there. and i wasn't sure where or who i wanted to be. but i know now. i know that i always was too different for the vanilla world that the EEUU wants us to blend into. i don't mix well into that melting pot. i'm even getting tired of the bustle of NYC... i want a simpler life. where happiness doesn't come in the form of the dollar bill but out of the fact that ur just living and with people u love. i know that i will always be la gringa there. but they'll accept my gringness faster that the "americans" have accepted my ecuaness... 27 years and they still working on it. i want out of this freakin pot.. cuz se esta calentando mucho y no me quiero quemar... arg

amor... un vino tinto

vino tinto. mmmm mmmm good. too bad i had so much last night that i only remember half the night. mala still hasn't told me all the dumb things i did. i hope i didn't embarass myself too much in front of the super cute bartender. i think i kept ordering more wine just so i could touch his hand or look at him... or see him give the thumbs up thing after everytime i tipped him (what the fuck is up with the thumbs up thing???). but wow is this guy yummy. and he's from el ecua... mmm que rico.. delicioso. we saw a lot of peeps from our other hang out spot. hopefully made some friends. these two guys gave us a ride home... one of them was from el ecua as well.. where are all these freaking ecadorians coming from? something another ecua that i was dancing with told me kindda irked me... i'll blog about that later. right now i'm going all gaga for el bartender.
and i'm laughing at the fact that mala said that i tried to smoke my earphones and other silly thing.. damn i hope i didn't do that in front of el bartender. damn i have to call her and find out... i have to learn to control the drinking.. it's not fun when u know u had a good time but u can't remember. my thoughts are still a little disjointed cuz my brain isn't 100%... so sorry if this blog is all crazy loopy and squiggly. but it's how i feel right now.
whoa... just lost myself in my thoughts of el bartender...
so i have a pain in my side... my left hand hurts and i think i have a bump on my head... must have been some night.. i don't remember anything that happened after about 3am. i want to remember!!!! arg

Eternal spotless of the sunshine mind

It's 3am. and i'm crying. this movie has really fucked with my head. she says to him at the end.. i'll find u boring... it's how i am.. and he says ok. he says ok.. knowing that they are doomed somehow... that everything they were and will be has already been told... and he says ok anyways. why? hindsight is 20/20 and yeah u see all the bad that happened in a relationship... but if it really mattered... if it was worth it... u see the good. I see the good. when i remember him i see the good...as few as the good times were it's all i remember. i miss him. i miss laughing with him and being with him. i miss kissing him. i miss going to the movies with him. i miss talking to him everyday and i miss seeing him after work. i miss sleeping next to him and waking up in his arms.
i knew when i met him that it wouldn't work. I knew that he could never be mine...yet i stayed... i tried to make it work doomed as it may have been. and it was how i thought. we didnt' last. it wasn't meant to be.. yet if i could do it over again i would.. in a heartbeat i would...
people told me from the start that it was too soon... too fast and too intense. too much drama... and i stayed. Some say that i didn't really like/love him, but i did. i still do. i think of him everyday. i want to call him now. if he called me now(which he never will) i would melt and fall into it again.
he told me that he was hard to be with. that he led a complicated life and that in the end being together would be too hard.. and i said "ok". i said it because being with him for a little while was worth it. and even though i'm crying now and hurting...it was. i was happy damn it. i was.
Mala said after the movie.. u never really know...but u do. u know. and u do it anyways because u want to believe that u can make it work... u want to belive that somehow u can change them, you, whoever to make it work. and u give too much of yourself. u give too much and sacrifice too much. and in the end.. ur first instincts were right; but it's too late cuz u've fallen.
i think i'm still waiting for him to come back and find me so that i can say "ok" again.
it hurts.. i'm hurting. was it worth the pain? i don't know... would i do it again? ok.

driving the muchachos crazy

Mi jefe calls me into his office yesterday and i'm thinking he's gonna give me another list of things to do... he closes the door and says.. ur driving my guys crazy. now let me just say before i continue this story and mi jefe and i have been friends for about 5 years and are very comfortable with each other.. he says to me... u have a huge butt and it's driving the muchachos nuts... we have to figure out a way to cover that thing up.. now.. to cover this thing up would be impossible. what u want me to wear a smock to work or something i say to him. and in tears because i'm laughing so much. he says i don't know. then he says havn't u noticed how they look at u? i'm thinking he means the guys in the shop and yes i have noticed them look up from their work when i pass by.. pero i thought that was just cuz i'm new and a girl... he says to me.. no even the guys in the office are going gaga... he's like it's a prison mentality here and ur fresh meat... then he says.. i don't want any problems.. i know u can handle it otherwise i wouldn't have asked u to come work for me.. but be careful. So now everytime i pass by the offices or the shops.. i can't help but laugh. no arg today. i'm pleasantly amused.