dragas y pirates

random thoughts on the adventures de una ecua y su hijita living in a harsh mundo where they survive with the help of her alter ego the angry pirate... arg

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Location: Ozone Park, New York, United States

Wednesday, March 30, 2005

i'm a dork... and a jerk too

yes i realize i may be blowing things way out of proportion. my relationship defunct cousin even pointed it out to me.

see the thing is that i'm not working so i'm bored to tears. and i don't have many friends that are available to me all the time to take some of my boredom away. (sorry mala... but ur the only one) add to that the fact that i've been seeing my beau everyday since i got back from ecuador that i freak when he's not available to me 24 hrs a day. god forbid he has work to do right?

i realized today... the boy cares about me. he gives me advice. he's helping me get rid of some debt(i'm paying the debt he's being back up... he's the man with the plan). he listens to me (like really listens not just pretends to). he makes plans with me for down the road(not like wedding plans... we've only been together 4months... people please) so if he really didn't care why would he waste his time doing these things.

i've been making his life harder. when i should be making things easier. demanding he be here all the time. it's not his fault i'm out of work. it's not his fault i'm bored. it's not his fault i'm insecure. so i should stop the phone calls and the annoying habit of feeling rejected if he can't drop everyting for me. cuz i'll just end up pushing him away. and i have to stop with the attitude when he says he can't sleep over... stop trying to make him feel guilty cuz well he isn't doing anything wrong.

i mean relationships are not supposed to be easy.. otherwise people would just stay together no?? but why am i adding more obstacles in our way? i'm only gonna end up pushing him away. so i have to start making my brain work in a healthy non-total dependant way. damn... that's gonna take some work.

Monday, March 28, 2005

trust issues

we both have them. i have a problem trusting him and he has a problem trusting me and always thinks i'm accusing him of something.

he's been traumatized by his ex. she never trusted him. so he thinks everytime i ask him where he is or what he's gonna do that day he thinks i'm trying to control him and not let him do what he wants. so he gets pissy at me and defensive. he doesn't realize that this behavior is what makes me not trust him. it makes it seem like he has something to hide. so now i have a problem trusting him. because how i see it... i'm just asking cuz i want to know. it has nothing to do with control or trust. i just want to know what my boyfriend is gonna be doing. but now... everything he starts with the i'm going out or i have stuff to do... i wonder why he's not giving me straight answers. it makes me feel like he's hiding something. he's making me the very thing he's accusing me of.

so i did a bad thing....

he leaves his computer at my house all the time. and cuz it's so much shineier and newer than mine i'm always on it playing videos games and stuff. so when i noticed that i was getting internet connection via his wireless thingy(whatever it's called) i decided to go online. and i swear it was by accident that i hit the history button(cuz it looks like the refresh button really). but once i hit it instead of just going on and checking my mail i looked and started checking the websites he had vistited. he had visited tons of websites and one caught my attention. he had visited a chat site. and i freaked. is he talking to other chicas? is he flirting with girls? we had never talked about chatting and the boundaries of it. i have a lot of chat buddies but we they are just buddies. but i didn't even know if it bothered him. so... instead of telling him that i saw his history i brought up the subject... well actaully he brought it up. he said that he hadn't chatted with anyone... and we agreed that flirting was a way of being unfaithful.... but since i knew that he had gone to that chat site i thought he was not telling the truth.

so i had to come clean. which i'm glad i did cuz he explained and i realized i had jumped to conclusions.... but it also showed him that i didn't trust him... and since then things have gottne worse. now he's super defensive when i call him and ask what he's up to. and cuz he's so defensive i think he's hiding something. the thing is that i love this boy. and i know that he loves me too. i also know that he wouldn't cheat on me. but i'm scared.... i'm scared because i don't want to get hurt again. now we are fighting more and i don't know if it's cuz of the strain of the trust issues or because i'm making prolbmes to make the inevitable hurt easier to handle. does that make sense or am i just freakin out? this is so not cool... i care about him so much. but i feel like we are heading towards the end. and i feel like it's my fault. at least partly because i didn't trust him. *sarg... long winded entry... i need to take a break... this is helping but i need a break...

Monday, March 14, 2005

La Maricusa

that was my grandma's nickname. don't ask me why. i have never gotten the answer to that question. that's just what they called her.

she was one of the oldest in a family of 6 sisters and two brothers. she was born in 1914. she married and had two daughters. her husband's family never really accepted her because they thought the minute amount of italian blood running through their veins was too good for her. my grandfather left her to go to the merchant marines. he left her poor with two daughters to raise. he never sent money. he made a new family in panama. his daughters had to live in bad conditions with cousins and aunts. sleep on floors in packed apartments. my grandmother had to work hard just to get butter so they could have something with their morning bread. then he came back. and she took him back. his daughters resented him. my grandmother did not. they were together again and she loved him.

her daughters married. one came to the US and the other stayed behind. my mother worked on my grandparents papers and brought them to live in our brooklyn apartment. my grandmother cooked and cared for us and was a nanny to some of our neighbors. she always had a smile for everyone. but please don't interrupt her novelas or her praying. then the projectile chancla would shoot out with perfect aim no matter how fast u ran. at times my brothers and i would do it on purpose just to see her chancla cut corners. she knew and would laugh.

my grandparents eventually moved back to el ecua and lived with my aunt. we got to see them every summer. then less and less as we got older. i hadn't seen her in 6 years.

about a year ago she was diagnosed with lung cancer. my grandfather was a smoker. we never told her what she had. because we knew it would destory her. she was too old to undergo treatment and was just made comfortable. she never lost her will to live.

two weeks ago i made a trip to ecuador. a trip i didn't want to make. i had to say goodbye to my grandmother. when she saw me she started crying. she couldn't believe i was there. she was so thin.

she still insisted on going to the bathroom and would not hear of wearing diapers. we would wake up at find her already sitting on the couch on some mornings. one morning we found her downstairs in full makeup -- just in case someone came by. she noticed everything. when family would come to visit she would recognize everyone and give my aunt a dirty look if she wasn't quick enough to offer drink or food.

then all the sudden. she couldn't get up anymore. we called the doctor and he said it would be soon. we all tried to hide our tears and told her she was going to be fine. her main concern was that she was being too much trouble and apologized to me for ruining my vacation. she would scream at times.."no mama todavia no".

we called a priest and told her he was a doctor so she wouldn't get scared. although she couldn't hear she knew who he was. she told us she was terrified. when she learned the doctor really was coming she told my mom to brush her silver hair and put perfume on her. that night she named everyone in our family. all of us... she said she didn't want to forget anyone. she named people she hadn't seen in years. she didn't miss anyone.

before bed that night as i was saying goodnight to her she said to me.."dios te bendiga mi'jita". those were her last words to me. the next day she slipped into a coma. she took off her oxygen as she slept.

as i prepared to get on my flight i cried. i didn't want to see her like that anymore but it felt wrong to leave. when i left i went to my grandmother and kissed her on her forehead. i swear she tried to open her eyes.

when i got home my dad tells me that my maricusa died as my plane was taking off. she died in my mother's arms.

she was a good woman. always happy and with unshakable faith. she loved all of her family unconditionally and never held a grudge against anyone. she was so proud of us all. i hope i can be half the woman she was.

i miss her.