16 years ago

it seems unreal that i hardly ever write about my brother. i think of him every day. my brother Carlos was a wonderful guy. he always took care of his little sister. he was the one that told me about how guys lie. and what i should say if a guy said he liked me. he was the one that taught me how to forge my mom's signature on tests i failed. he was the one that taught me how it was to be a latino in a mostly white university and how not to let the branding as a HEOP student keep him down. he used to pay me to iron his shirts - which is y i refuse to iron my husband's shirts for free. he taught me how to fight our older brother. he taught me to love simon & garfunkel. he taught me a lot.

my brother died 16 years ago in a car accident along with 5 other people. he was just strolling across a park when a car lost control. he was 19.

i was only 14 when my brother was killed. i was very angry. i was angry at God for taking him away from me. i was angry at the driver. i was angry at my parents. i was angry for years. see i was the "strong" one. the one that was always happy. the one that always had a joke and never let anything faze her. that was when i started to use my "comedy" as a defense against anything. i learned to laugh at anything. and then the anger went away. it was there and then there was nothing. nothing at all.

i started to not care. i latched on to a relationship that wasn't working for 8 years because it was easier than not being in that relationship. i started to gain weight and not care about how i looked or felt. i stopped taking my medication and treatment for my PCOS - knowing that doing so would put me at a higher risk of cervical/ovarian cancer. i just didn't care.

about 3 years ago... i was with my best chica... having wine at a bar of course and we started to talk about dumb shit. and my brother came up. and she asked me - so when are u going to start to grieve??? and i just started to cry and cry and cry. i have cried for him before .. but never like that. i cried because i missed him. i cried because i missed who we were together. i cried because my family is empty without him. i cried for the life we would all have led had he decided to walk the long way to the train station.

and i was scared because i didn't know how to deal with the sadness. i didn't know what to do. i wanted to care again. but i didn't know how.

and then one day - even though i was not on medication or treatment - i got pregnant. a thing that according to my doctors was not possible. and i started to care. i got a "real" job and was in a relationship i wanted to be in. i started to live again. for Ecuabella and for me. for my husband too... even though sometimes i want him to live FAR from me. :0)

i think of my brother everyday and am thankful that he had a hand in making me who i am today. i don't take shit from anyone and i am strong. strong enough to live with his memory and strong enough to raise my daughter and let her know her uncle through my memories. i see my brother in my daughter's eyes. just as you see him through mine. it was 16 years ago and i'll never forget his laughter. my dad says i laugh just like him. i think it's because he's laughing too.

past entries revisited and a new conversation

no one can deny that my blog has a theme of sorts... it has evolved from a blog about crazy relationships with thoughtless men/boys to realizing that what i really wanted was to find that one man that made me "happy". that my desire to be alone was really my desire not to get hurt... again. and the attraction to "perfect except" men/boys was my own way of emphasizing that i should really be alone cuz all men suck. it's good to know that i'm not the only fucked up person. perhaps it's not the guys that were emotionally unavailable ... perhaps they didn't want to get hurt too.

i had this conversation with a friend. his dilemma was similar well not similar... but he had a conflict. his mind was telling him no but his heart was telling him to go for it. he then says to me... i just can't stand commitment. or maybe he even used the word i'm afraid of commitment... negative. remember... no one really wants to be alone. so i told him to follow his heart. and he did.. not because i told him too but because he had already made up his mind. love is not a thought process. it's an emotion that doesn't give a crap about what you think. so take that chance. what's the worse that can happen? it won't work? at least u tried.

and this whole i just wanna be happy thing isn't easy. love isn't easy. i think it was ms. rae in High School that told us love was WORK. hard work. there are times of happiness and there are times of well not happiness. so you work at it. and you try. and sometimes u get lucky. and that's happiness... finding someone u want to work for.