16 years ago
it seems unreal that i hardly ever write about my brother. i think of him every day. my brother Carlos was a wonderful guy. he always took care of his little sister. he was the one that told me about how guys lie. and what i should say if a guy said he liked me. he was the one that taught me how to forge my mom's signature on tests i failed. he was the one that taught me how it was to be a latino in a mostly white university and how not to let the branding as a HEOP student keep him down. he used to pay me to iron his shirts - which is y i refuse to iron my husband's shirts for free. he taught me how to fight our older brother. he taught me to love simon & garfunkel. he taught me a lot.
my brother died 16 years ago in a car accident along with 5 other people. he was just strolling across a park when a car lost control. he was 19.
i was only 14 when my brother was killed. i was very angry. i was angry at God for taking him away from me. i was angry at the driver. i was angry at my parents. i was angry for years. see i was the "strong" one. the one that was always happy. the one that always had a joke and never let anything faze her. that was when i started to use my "comedy" as a defense against anything. i learned to laugh at anything. and then the anger went away. it was there and then there was nothing. nothing at all.
i started to not care. i latched on to a relationship that wasn't working for 8 years because it was easier than not being in that relationship. i started to gain weight and not care about how i looked or felt. i stopped taking my medication and treatment for my PCOS - knowing that doing so would put me at a higher risk of cervical/ovarian cancer. i just didn't care.
about 3 years ago... i was with my best chica... having wine at a bar of course and we started to talk about dumb shit. and my brother came up. and she asked me - so when are u going to start to grieve??? and i just started to cry and cry and cry. i have cried for him before .. but never like that. i cried because i missed him. i cried because i missed who we were together. i cried because my family is empty without him. i cried for the life we would all have led had he decided to walk the long way to the train station.
and i was scared because i didn't know how to deal with the sadness. i didn't know what to do. i wanted to care again. but i didn't know how.
and then one day - even though i was not on medication or treatment - i got pregnant. a thing that according to my doctors was not possible. and i started to care. i got a "real" job and was in a relationship i wanted to be in. i started to live again. for Ecuabella and for me. for my husband too... even though sometimes i want him to live FAR from me. :0)
i think of my brother everyday and am thankful that he had a hand in making me who i am today. i don't take shit from anyone and i am strong. strong enough to live with his memory and strong enough to raise my daughter and let her know her uncle through my memories. i see my brother in my daughter's eyes. just as you see him through mine. it was 16 years ago and i'll never forget his laughter. my dad says i laugh just like him. i think it's because he's laughing too.
my brother died 16 years ago in a car accident along with 5 other people. he was just strolling across a park when a car lost control. he was 19.
i was only 14 when my brother was killed. i was very angry. i was angry at God for taking him away from me. i was angry at the driver. i was angry at my parents. i was angry for years. see i was the "strong" one. the one that was always happy. the one that always had a joke and never let anything faze her. that was when i started to use my "comedy" as a defense against anything. i learned to laugh at anything. and then the anger went away. it was there and then there was nothing. nothing at all.
i started to not care. i latched on to a relationship that wasn't working for 8 years because it was easier than not being in that relationship. i started to gain weight and not care about how i looked or felt. i stopped taking my medication and treatment for my PCOS - knowing that doing so would put me at a higher risk of cervical/ovarian cancer. i just didn't care.
about 3 years ago... i was with my best chica... having wine at a bar of course and we started to talk about dumb shit. and my brother came up. and she asked me - so when are u going to start to grieve??? and i just started to cry and cry and cry. i have cried for him before .. but never like that. i cried because i missed him. i cried because i missed who we were together. i cried because my family is empty without him. i cried for the life we would all have led had he decided to walk the long way to the train station.
and i was scared because i didn't know how to deal with the sadness. i didn't know what to do. i wanted to care again. but i didn't know how.
and then one day - even though i was not on medication or treatment - i got pregnant. a thing that according to my doctors was not possible. and i started to care. i got a "real" job and was in a relationship i wanted to be in. i started to live again. for Ecuabella and for me. for my husband too... even though sometimes i want him to live FAR from me. :0)
i think of my brother everyday and am thankful that he had a hand in making me who i am today. i don't take shit from anyone and i am strong. strong enough to live with his memory and strong enough to raise my daughter and let her know her uncle through my memories. i see my brother in my daughter's eyes. just as you see him through mine. it was 16 years ago and i'll never forget his laughter. my dad says i laugh just like him. i think it's because he's laughing too.
posted by Fea | 1:31 PM
1 Comments:
Oh, Sofi. I love you. Let's laugh together and toast to Carlos, sitting with God, protecting us.
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