peoples got me going bananas!
too many things are happening at the same time and i feel like i'm getting pulled in 10 different directions at the same time.
and the fact that i know that people are watching and keeping tabs on my blog makes me feel that i can't be as honest as i once was on here. it's been months since i've written with life altering things happening and i can't write about it because i feel like these things will be used against me.
a friend suggested i keep an old school diary and keep it hidden so i can vent but that defeats the purpose. i want the people to give me advice even though i'm too chicken shit to ask for it from my friends... again the fear of being judged.
so i'm writing... but i'm watching what i say and put down here. so i guess that defeats the purpose too.
my job security has come into question. the boss quit.. then came a new boss who was just fired and now i'm waiting to meet a new principal ... a nun, no less. with every new person that comes in, they question if i will mesh well with her. they questions if maybe a new office manager is will be the right fit... so i wait.. so far I've "meshed" well with everyone they have thrown at me. even if it meant saying nothing at the racist comments... i stay shut because truth be told i need this job even if it is the lowest paying job i have ever had.... because what they pay me is better than not getting paid at all...
my marriage is almost completely undone. and being that i'm being watched i can't really say anything about that...
my daughter is leaving to the motherland with my parents for TWO MONTHS. and i'm freakin out a little. she hasn't been away from me for more than a one day... a little piece of me will die when i see her get on that plane without me. but i have to put on a brave face so she doesn't get sad too. i don't want to ruin her adventure as she calls it.
and so this summer has me looking forward to uncertainty and loneliness. and i've become the person i most abhor.. the one who will stay quiet in order for everyone to be happy. everyone but me. so as i sit in my little corner looking out i realize that I've become number 2 to everyone... in everything... how sad. when i deserve to be number 1....
and the fact that i know that people are watching and keeping tabs on my blog makes me feel that i can't be as honest as i once was on here. it's been months since i've written with life altering things happening and i can't write about it because i feel like these things will be used against me.
a friend suggested i keep an old school diary and keep it hidden so i can vent but that defeats the purpose. i want the people to give me advice even though i'm too chicken shit to ask for it from my friends... again the fear of being judged.
so i'm writing... but i'm watching what i say and put down here. so i guess that defeats the purpose too.
my job security has come into question. the boss quit.. then came a new boss who was just fired and now i'm waiting to meet a new principal ... a nun, no less. with every new person that comes in, they question if i will mesh well with her. they questions if maybe a new office manager is will be the right fit... so i wait.. so far I've "meshed" well with everyone they have thrown at me. even if it meant saying nothing at the racist comments... i stay shut because truth be told i need this job even if it is the lowest paying job i have ever had.... because what they pay me is better than not getting paid at all...
my marriage is almost completely undone. and being that i'm being watched i can't really say anything about that...
my daughter is leaving to the motherland with my parents for TWO MONTHS. and i'm freakin out a little. she hasn't been away from me for more than a one day... a little piece of me will die when i see her get on that plane without me. but i have to put on a brave face so she doesn't get sad too. i don't want to ruin her adventure as she calls it.
and so this summer has me looking forward to uncertainty and loneliness. and i've become the person i most abhor.. the one who will stay quiet in order for everyone to be happy. everyone but me. so as i sit in my little corner looking out i realize that I've become number 2 to everyone... in everything... how sad. when i deserve to be number 1....
posted by Fea | 12:31 PM
|
6 comments
