the drama continues....

so he heard something else about that infamous night that got him all "we should end this" again. well not again... this is the first time he's said this but it got him all jealous i can't trust you like.

it has to do with el ecuarockero again. he was told that i was caressing his chest and opening his shirt. that when asked if i was a sex addict i nodded my head in agreement. never happened. at least not that i can remember.

and that's the problem. that i'm not even sure myself. i had much to drink that night and don't remember much. i do remember being called into the kitchen... and talking to el ecuarockero and others there. i remember the conversation... how he told me that he didn't understand why i was with my beau and how i defended our relationship. i remember jabbing my finger at his chest when he told me to be careful... i remember telling him to shut up cuz i was happy. i remember going downstairs with el psycho boli and smoking a cig while i told him that i was glad we didnt' work out cuz i was with someone worth it. i remember all that but i don't remember caressing anyone's chest and saying i was a sex addict (i like sex but i'm no where near an addict).

so i'm a little upset to say the least. upset because i thought the whole weekend was behind us. i thought that we were moving on... sure with a little less trust but moving on nonetheless. but apparently the weekend is very much in the forefront of his thoughts. i dont' know if people are saying this shit about me on purpose to break us up or if there is some truth to it. i'm almost positive that this didn't happen.

so he doesn't trust me now. i'm sad.

jerky

so what is it with men and the word jerk?? to me it's not a big deal word. jerk... ur a jerk... stop being a jerk... see no big deal.

I called my beau a jerk yesterday. he had stamped my forehead and then said to me.. oh my god it looks like the sign of the beast(you dont' say that to an extremely religious person... especially if ur an extremely relgious person and know what those words mean...) so i say oh my god.. ur such a jerk. and then i see the impact my words have on him. he stays quiet and just walks over to the sink get a rag and wipes my face without saying a word to me. i ask him what's wrong.. and he says.. i can't believe u called me a jerk.

later in the car i tell him that i don't see the big deal and he says.. what if i called u a bitch?? it's not the same thing!! jerk and bitch are not the same!! are they?

i asked another guy friend (ex crush) and he tells me that jerk and asshole are the same.. THEY ARE?? so he understands why my beau was bothered (not pissed but bothered). but jerky is ok. cuz that means silly.. jerky?? um.. ok.

he called me the anticrist/devil incarnate and i called him a jerk... no es pa tanto no?? or does jerk mean asshole?? is it that big of a deal?

no se..

later jerks... :0)

normalcy

is normalcy a word?? hmm.. well it is now.

I went to my beau's house on wednesday... i was nervous. i didn't know if it would just be a continuation of the fights and accusations i had been hearing all week. i knock on his door a little hesitantly... he opens it... give me his big flashy smile and a huge hug. he was his normal self with the jokes. every once in a while when i went to kiss him he would joke.. no ur on punishment.. laugh and then kiss me.

I wasn't planning on staying over but it jus ended up working out that way. bus strike and being too tired to drive we snuggled up in bed and doozed off. in the morning he dropped me off (not where i wanted to be dropped off but whatever..). he calls me at work and says that he needs me to look something up on the internet. ok i say.. then he says on second thought i'll just over your house later.. is that ok? two nights in a row... so much for giving each other space...

he comes over we talk, laugh have dinner together and start a 1000 piece puzzle (i'm nerdy like that and so is he.. hehe). He starts getting tired and i tell him that if he's gonna drive he should go... he tells me this is why i don't like coming here during the week... i don't want to leave and then i'm so tired driving. he gives me a kiss and hug goodbye and tells me he'll see me today .

i like normal...

it wasn't paranoia

so i was right in thinking that not everything was ok bet. me and my beau...

i call him tonight to chat for a bit.. and he interrupts my hellos with "ok let's get right to the point". my heart skips a beat thinking oh no here it comes.. and over the phone too... when he asks me the last thing i ever thought he would ask. he asks me if i ever slept with el ecuarockero... what??!! well apparently that is what this asshole has been saying.. to everyone. by beau said that he couldn't remember something that had been bothering him that night.. and well... it finally came to him.. he actually overheard the asshole saying to everyone there that he had slept with me.

yes we kissed... but that's it!! i never slept with that jerk ... not after he was so flakey with me... what was upsetting my beau was the fact that he thought i had lied to him about my relationship(what relationship??) with this fat fuck. it got me upset that i had to once again tell him that no i didn't sleep with him...

then my beau asked me if i liked his cousin... cuz of an incident earlier in our relationship with his cousin(i lifted his cousin's shirt so a friend could admire it.. not the shirt... his cousins chest.. not that impressive btw) and cuz i let his cousin sit on my lap on saturday...after the hair incident. I actaully think his cousin is a bit sleezy... don't like him at all... how could i when i'm with the person i want. ni se comparan...

he said that he felt wrong... se siente mal... esto no esta bien. que me quiere pero no se siente bien. he doesnt' trust me now. so he was never over it.

so apparently everyone thinks i'm a whore. even at d'antigua... he said that people have said about me and mala.. give them a drink.. see what u can get.

and he believed them. which hurt me. he says he doens't want to hang out with those people again... but if i want to go.. go ahead. how can i?? i see that asshole i'm gonna go crazy on his ass... i will try to kill him. he deliberately tried to ruin a good thing that i have because se quedo picado... i hate them... because of them things are rocky with my boyfriend. he said to give him time to get over things... that it will pass... things seemed to get more to normal by the end of the convo... we may be seeing each other tomorrow bus strike willing.. and this weekend he mentioned going out(i'm sure not to la kueva).

so i cried again tonight for the 3rd night in a row. i feel like my heart is breaking. i love this boy.

so i dont' think i'll be going tertuliando tonight.. otherwise there may be a homicide... but then again there will be one less coke addict in the world.. asshole

paranoia sets in

ok so he says that he's not pissed at me anymore. that he told me that on sunday when we talked about it... que me quede tranquila...and yet... i've barely spoken to him in the past two days. he says he's too busy to see me. i actually heard a tone when he said this to me today.. so is the tone really there or am i just hearing it cuz i'm being paranoid pirate.. *parg??

on friday... before the hair touching incident. i went by his place to drop off liscense plates i was so kind enough to take half day from work to go get them for him so he didn't have to... he asks me after our hello.. are you going out today.. no i say why? oh cuz i'm gonna go out with the guys.. ok so go... those were my words. not oh come on now it's friday night... we have to be together!!!! it was a not even think about it ok go have fun... so then why did he see the need to add... es que nos hemos visto tanto estos dias... why say that? i didn't need a reason. just go.. but now that u gave me one.. i'm pissed.. cuz there was no need. so we talk about it. and we agree that we do see each other a lot and that it's good that we go out on our own with our friends. because we don't want to get sick of each other. because we want to keep the relationship fresh and it's good to miss each other. ok great.

fast forward to monday after the hair fiasco... the fight not the fact that el bartender's hair looks like shit...

he tells me he can't see me cuz he has stuff to do.. fine i was feeling crappy and sleepy due to some allergy pills... we talk for about 20 min. i dooze off... he does his shit...

tuesday.. this morning. i call to say hello. he does't pick up. i call again about an hour later.. he doens't pick up. so i go a little fatal attraction like and block my number.. oh look. he picked up!!! he says he's buying supplies for a job and can't talk but will call me back when he's done.

he calls back about 30 minutes later and we are chatting. then i ask if we were gonna see each other today. no he says. i still have a lot of things to do. tomorrow.. i say tomorrow is the tertulia and u don't want to go. well i can't see u today... i have stuff to do that i let get behind because i was seeing you so much. but if you want me to get bored with you then we can see each other as much as you want... i just know i won't get my stuff done if you are here.... now.. did you hear a tone there?? i tell him that he's different with me and that i think he's still pissed at me cuz of saturday.. he then gets mad and says.. stop talking about it. i'm over it.. you should be too. this has nothing to do with saturday. it has everything to do with the fact that i have things i need to do for work and at home. things will get back to normal.. u just have to let it go...

so i still think he's being different... is it just me??

how bout when i just called him to tell him that a package for him came... i called him on his house phone and he asked me why are u calling me on this phone instead of my cell phone?? what difference does it make?? maybe cuz on his cell phone he can see it's me and won't pick it up?? or maybe it's what he told me that sometimes he doens't pick it up cuz it's bill collectors... but he did pick it up... and it was me. so what's the big deal??

parg... i'm afraid i am being all crazy paranoid. but that's me high strung... how long do i wait for things to get back to normal.. or at least for things to sound back to normal to me??
i don't like this paranoid thing.. cuz it makes me sad...

first fight of the year

the first fight of the year. it sucks. and i'm sad.

so on saturday we went to la kueva after almost a month of not going to celebrate the birthday of el moreno. we were supposed to go to dinner at el morneo's house but we got caught up in a game of scrabble. we had so much fun. we had dinner with my parents instead. he fixed my bathroom... it was a start to a wonderful evening. then things got screwed up...

he hates going to la kueva... especially when he has a girlfriend. but we went cuz of his friend. we get there before everyone and say our hellos to the other regulars. i see el bartender and his crazy new hair style... i have my drinks. (wine of course) he has his. he mentions to el trompito that we've made 2 months.. and that i've bewitched him. we are playful and cuddly ... then i make the mistake of touching el bartender's hair. i made a very big mistake.

he was upset. he was livid actually. said that he didn't want any girl of his touching other guys. i didn't really see the big deal about it.. till he said.. what if i did the same thing?? he's right it would piss me off... so because of this he's having trust issues with me now. and i'm upset. because i'm falling hard for this boy. really hard. i dont want to lose him. he's a good guy. he really is.

so i guess this is what happens when u get into a realationship.. u give give what u can knowing it's a gamble. and it can all get fucked up for an innocent action. and innocent action that to someone else is anything but.

i'm sad. very very sad.