i'm a dork... and a jerk too

yes i realize i may be blowing things way out of proportion. my relationship defunct cousin even pointed it out to me.

see the thing is that i'm not working so i'm bored to tears. and i don't have many friends that are available to me all the time to take some of my boredom away. (sorry mala... but ur the only one) add to that the fact that i've been seeing my beau everyday since i got back from ecuador that i freak when he's not available to me 24 hrs a day. god forbid he has work to do right?

i realized today... the boy cares about me. he gives me advice. he's helping me get rid of some debt(i'm paying the debt he's being back up... he's the man with the plan). he listens to me (like really listens not just pretends to). he makes plans with me for down the road(not like wedding plans... we've only been together 4months... people please) so if he really didn't care why would he waste his time doing these things.

i've been making his life harder. when i should be making things easier. demanding he be here all the time. it's not his fault i'm out of work. it's not his fault i'm bored. it's not his fault i'm insecure. so i should stop the phone calls and the annoying habit of feeling rejected if he can't drop everyting for me. cuz i'll just end up pushing him away. and i have to stop with the attitude when he says he can't sleep over... stop trying to make him feel guilty cuz well he isn't doing anything wrong.

i mean relationships are not supposed to be easy.. otherwise people would just stay together no?? but why am i adding more obstacles in our way? i'm only gonna end up pushing him away. so i have to start making my brain work in a healthy non-total dependant way. damn... that's gonna take some work.