trust issues

we both have them. i have a problem trusting him and he has a problem trusting me and always thinks i'm accusing him of something.

he's been traumatized by his ex. she never trusted him. so he thinks everytime i ask him where he is or what he's gonna do that day he thinks i'm trying to control him and not let him do what he wants. so he gets pissy at me and defensive. he doesn't realize that this behavior is what makes me not trust him. it makes it seem like he has something to hide. so now i have a problem trusting him. because how i see it... i'm just asking cuz i want to know. it has nothing to do with control or trust. i just want to know what my boyfriend is gonna be doing. but now... everything he starts with the i'm going out or i have stuff to do... i wonder why he's not giving me straight answers. it makes me feel like he's hiding something. he's making me the very thing he's accusing me of.

so i did a bad thing....

he leaves his computer at my house all the time. and cuz it's so much shineier and newer than mine i'm always on it playing videos games and stuff. so when i noticed that i was getting internet connection via his wireless thingy(whatever it's called) i decided to go online. and i swear it was by accident that i hit the history button(cuz it looks like the refresh button really). but once i hit it instead of just going on and checking my mail i looked and started checking the websites he had vistited. he had visited tons of websites and one caught my attention. he had visited a chat site. and i freaked. is he talking to other chicas? is he flirting with girls? we had never talked about chatting and the boundaries of it. i have a lot of chat buddies but we they are just buddies. but i didn't even know if it bothered him. so... instead of telling him that i saw his history i brought up the subject... well actaully he brought it up. he said that he hadn't chatted with anyone... and we agreed that flirting was a way of being unfaithful.... but since i knew that he had gone to that chat site i thought he was not telling the truth.

so i had to come clean. which i'm glad i did cuz he explained and i realized i had jumped to conclusions.... but it also showed him that i didn't trust him... and since then things have gottne worse. now he's super defensive when i call him and ask what he's up to. and cuz he's so defensive i think he's hiding something. the thing is that i love this boy. and i know that he loves me too. i also know that he wouldn't cheat on me. but i'm scared.... i'm scared because i don't want to get hurt again. now we are fighting more and i don't know if it's cuz of the strain of the trust issues or because i'm making prolbmes to make the inevitable hurt easier to handle. does that make sense or am i just freakin out? this is so not cool... i care about him so much. but i feel like we are heading towards the end. and i feel like it's my fault. at least partly because i didn't trust him. *sarg... long winded entry... i need to take a break... this is helping but i need a break...