peoples got me going bananas!

too many things are happening at the same time and i feel like i'm getting pulled in 10 different directions at the same time.

and the fact that i know that people are watching and keeping tabs on my blog makes me feel that i can't be as honest as i once was on here.  it's been months since i've written with life altering things happening and i can't write about it because i feel like these things will be used against me.

a friend suggested i keep an old school diary and keep it hidden so i can vent but that defeats the purpose.  i want the people to give me advice even though i'm too chicken shit to ask for it from my friends... again the fear of being judged.

so i'm writing... but i'm watching what i say and put down here.  so i guess that defeats the purpose too.

my job security has come into question.  the boss quit.. then came a new boss who was just fired and now i'm waiting to meet a new principal ... a nun, no less.  with every new person that comes in, they question if i will mesh well with her.  they questions if maybe a new office manager is will be the right fit... so i wait.. so far I've "meshed" well with everyone they have thrown at me.  even if it meant saying nothing at the racist comments... i stay shut because truth be told i need this job even if it is the lowest paying job i have ever had.... because what they pay me is better than not getting paid at all...

my marriage is almost completely undone. and being that i'm being watched i can't really say anything about that...

my daughter is leaving to the motherland with my parents for TWO MONTHS.  and i'm freakin out a little.  she hasn't been away from me for more than a one day... a little piece of me will die when i see her get on that plane without me.  but i have to put on a brave face so she doesn't get sad too.  i don't want to ruin her adventure as she calls it.

and so this summer has me looking forward to uncertainty and loneliness.  and i've become the person i most abhor.. the one who will stay quiet in order for everyone to be happy.  everyone but me.  so as i sit in my little corner looking out i realize that I've become number 2 to everyone... in everything... how sad.  when i deserve to be number 1....

it's all about eating through the fullness

hello.

it's quiet here. i'm pretty sure no one reads this blog anymore. i'm pretty sure it;s just hanging out on the world wide web just waiting to be read and no one does. and i'm GREAT with that. this gives me a place to vent. without fearing if i'll be judged. i mean if a stranger picks it up... who cares. :)

things have been looking up. my dad's biopsy results came back cancer free. yay! my husband has been acting less like a dick and more like a husband. so i guess that's good.

i still feel a bit lonely at times. my life consists of work and home. thassit. oh and i go to the library a lot... so i can stock up on books to read during the weekends. cuz i don't go anywhere. i don't want to. that bad thing is that it's rubbing off on my little girl. if given a choice between going to run errands with dad or stay home with me and do nothing she chooses her me.

i was supposed to plan a picnic for a group of friends and while at first i was happy to do it... i of course have let it just slip away. so my new goal of the week is to plan the picnic AND go to it...

eating through the fullness... we used to say that to peole when they would ask us how it was possible to eat so much ... we had to "eat through the fullness". my life is full of obstacles and crap that i have put there with all my selfdoubt and self pity. but i'm getting through it. and i'll be ok.

one year

its been a year since my last post. there was a time i used to update my blog daily. i had a lot to say. i was going through something that was new to me. claiming my independence maybe? or maybe i just like people knowing every ramdom thought that went through my brain. some people may say that i was depressed during that time that i wrote those things for attention that jumping from one guy to the next was my way of being validated. i was trying to fill the void left by a failed relationship.

so by that logic since i write one a year it means i must be happy now. no longer need the validation or attention.

truth?

im miserable. and i'm hiding the misery by keeping everything to myself. my marriage is on the verge of collapse. i have no real friendships outside of the few cousins i visit. i stay home on weekends only getting out of bed to take my bella to ballet, feed her and do the laundry.

i'm struggling to make ends meet money wise. my tiny wages are being garnished to repay college loans... im paying off a degree i never actually finished. i'm broke most of the time.

my father - who is my rock- is ill and needs another biopsy. it breaks my heart to see someone so good and strong be in so much pain. i can't picture my life without him.

i've decided to write about this because, well, it's eating me up inside. my life is coming undone... how's that for an attention grabber?

carless in the city

i've recently discovered something about myself... i'm spoiled. car spoiled that is.

there was a time that i had no problem getting up and getting on the train or a bus to get around. sometimes i would even take the train and a few buses to get where i had to go. but since i met my husband 5 years ago i have hardly taken the train. he's always had a car and recently i started driving as well.

on wednesday i was driving to work and a car hit me from behind. it wasn't really a big deal i didn't get hurt but there was damage to the car. enough that we won't have a car for 3 weeks. my first thought instead of how much our deductible was going to be was.. damn it now i have to take the train for 3 weeks. that's what i was angry about. i didnt' even want to talk to the guy who hit me cuz all i wanted to do was scream at him... i have to TAKE THE TRAIN!!!

so during these three weeks i'll be feeling more sorry for myself than usual... arg.

vacation blues...

i'm on vacation. and i'm soooo bored. i'm so bored i'm watching jerry springer and maury in the mornings. my daily highlight is finding out if the manho of the day IS the father. it's sad really. and being bored is making me lazy... i mean i don't even have the energy to drag my ass to the gym which would be the smart thing to do. the good thing is that i hardly have the desire to even cook for myself... so at least i'm not eating as much. i have to snap out of it. i have to go out somewhere and get my drink on and get all pretty ... so anyone!!! someone!!! please call me so we can go somewhere and i can at least say that i got stupid drunk on my vacation and can't remember what happened... sigh how i miss the good ole days.

It's in the water

so EVERYONE i know is pregnant.

I'm not even exaggerating. not that much anyways. my baby cousin is pregnant, one of her friends is also, my other cousin's girl is pregnant, my friend tete is preggers and so is my buddy's wife. and i'm sure more peeps will pop up with the great news any day now. and.. they are all due around the same time. there is something in the water. (which is why i'm sticking to bottled water thank you very much!!)

baby talk has been in the air a lot at my job too. my coworker and i were trying to explain to a young girl how wonderful being a woman is. and having babies came up. this young chica was wondering how it was. so we went into the whole thing. thank god i had a nice pretty story to tell about my labor as it was pretty smooth. and then my coworker who is 20 years older than me said "it's the most degrading thing a woman can go through"... huh?? i was dumbfounded... flabbergasted.. u name it i coudln't even speak.... i guess her experience wasn't too nice... something about a doctor with hands too big ... laying there with ur legs open or something... i wasn't listening cuz i was well you know shocked.

i tried recalling how i felt during the hours of my labor... i remember watching futurama on the hospital TV and my husband falling asleep... i remember how he didn't want to leave me when they stuck that needle in my back... i remember how the nurse was annoyed with me for not taking birthing classes... and how she said great so u don't know how to breathe... and i said "i'm breathing now aren't i??" i remember my husband encouraging me telling me she has jet black hair i can see her hair!!! and i remember them laying her on me all squishy and beautiful... i remember my hubby almost skipping with joy and telling him to move outta the way cuz i couldn't see what they were doing to her... barely noticing that my doc was tugging at me and patching me back together. it was the happiest moment of my life. nothing degrading about it

even if i shit would've shot outta my anus and hit the doctor in the face there would've been nothing degrading about it. i was glowing. i was happy and i was a mother. i didn't care that i looked like caca. i didn't care that nurses kept looking and probing. didn't care when people came into my room.. i breastfed, i bled and i cried, and i laughed. i felt like well... a woman.

so as tears welled up in my eyes maybe my coworker mistook them for me remembering my degradation. when in fact i was remembering the happiness... and i was biting my lip real hard so i didn't get up and punch her in the face.

so to all my friends who drank the water... get ready it's gonna be a good year. and to my drea. it freaks me out that my little baby is all grown up. i've never been this happy for you. u and selson will give my little pink monkey a home filled with laughter, faith, hope and love. and i'm gonna punch U in the face for making me cry again. PUNK!!! arg.

what do u think??

do you like my picture??

i think it makes my nose look big. i mean i have a big nose. thanks dad! but i mean it really looks big.

i had some misgivings about posting my picture on this blog. see at one time this thing really was anonymous. my little place where i could air my dirty laundry and not care who read it.. after all who would know i was the angry pirate.

but now... who really reads this thing but my family and that one white friend i have??

so there i posted my picture so u guys could make fun of my big nose and know that i am ECUAFEA!!! (do the He-man voice in ur head while u read that)

and yes freak.. i will go out for drinks with u.. but i'm broke... soooo it's on u right?