dragas y pirates

it's all about eating through the fullness

2011-07-01T09:04:00.000-07:00

hello.

it's quiet here. i'm pretty sure no one reads this blog anymore. i'm pretty sure it;s just hanging out on the world wide web just waiting to be read and no one does. and i'm GREAT with that. this gives me a place to vent. without fearing if i'll be judged. i mean if a stranger picks it up... who cares. :)

things have been looking up. my dad's biopsy results came back cancer free. yay! my husband has been acting less like a dick and more like a husband. so i guess that's good.

i still feel a bit lonely at times. my life consists of work and home. thassit. oh and i go to the library a lot... so i can stock up on books to read during the weekends. cuz i don't go anywhere. i don't want to. that bad thing is that it's rubbing off on my little girl. if given a choice between going to run errands with dad or stay home with me and do nothing she chooses her me.

i was supposed to plan a picnic for a group of friends and while at first i was happy to do it... i of course have let it just slip away. so my new goal of the week is to plan the picnic AND go to it...

eating through the fullness... we used to say that to peole when they would ask us how it was possible to eat so much ... we had to "eat through the fullness". my life is full of obstacles and crap that i have put there with all my selfdoubt and self pity. but i'm getting through it. and i'll be ok.

one year

2011-05-25T19:28:00.000-07:00

its been a year since my last post. there was a time i used to update my blog daily. i had a lot to say. i was going through something that was new to me. claiming my independence maybe? or maybe i just like people knowing every ramdom thought that went through my brain. some people may say that i was depressed during that time that i wrote those things for attention that jumping from one guy to the next was my way of being validated. i was trying to fill the void left by a failed relationship.

so by that logic since i write one a year it means i must be happy now. no longer need the validation or attention.

truth?

im miserable. and i'm hiding the misery by keeping everything to myself. my marriage is on the verge of collapse. i have no real friendships outside of the few cousins i visit. i stay home on weekends only getting out of bed to take my bella to ballet, feed her and do the laundry.

i'm struggling to make ends meet money wise. my tiny wages are being garnished to repay college loans... im paying off a degree i never actually finished. i'm broke most of the time.

my father - who is my rock- is ill and needs another biopsy. it breaks my heart to see someone so good and strong be in so much pain. i can't picture my life without him.

i've decided to write about this because, well, it's eating me up inside. my life is coming undone... how's that for an attention grabber?

carless in the city

2010-05-08T13:26:00.000-07:00

i've recently discovered something about myself... i'm spoiled. car spoiled that is.

there was a time that i had no problem getting up and getting on the train or a bus to get around. sometimes i would even take the train and a few buses to get where i had to go. but since i met my husband 5 years ago i have hardly taken the train. he's always had a car and recently i started driving as well.

on wednesday i was driving to work and a car hit me from behind. it wasn't really a big deal i didn't get hurt but there was damage to the car. enough that we won't have a car for 3 weeks. my first thought instead of how much our deductible was going to be was.. damn it now i have to take the train for 3 weeks. that's what i was angry about. i didnt' even want to talk to the guy who hit me cuz all i wanted to do was scream at him... i have to TAKE THE TRAIN!!!

so during these three weeks i'll be feeling more sorry for myself than usual... arg.

vacation blues...

2009-07-24T17:21:00.000-07:00

i'm on vacation. and i'm soooo bored. i'm so bored i'm watching jerry springer and maury in the mornings. my daily highlight is finding out if the manho of the day IS the father. it's sad really. and being bored is making me lazy... i mean i don't even have the energy to drag my ass to the gym which would be the smart thing to do. the good thing is that i hardly have the desire to even cook for myself... so at least i'm not eating as much. i have to snap out of it. i have to go out somewhere and get my drink on and get all pretty ... so anyone!!! someone!!! please call me so we can go somewhere and i can at least say that i got stupid drunk on my vacation and can't remember what happened... sigh how i miss the good ole days.

It's in the water

2009-01-14T20:25:00.000-08:00

so EVERYONE i know is pregnant.

I'm not even exaggerating. not that much anyways. my baby cousin is pregnant, one of her friends is also, my other cousin's girl is pregnant, my friend tete is preggers and so is my buddy's wife. and i'm sure more peeps will pop up with the great news any day now. and.. they are all due around the same time. there is something in the water. (which is why i'm sticking to bottled water thank you very much!!)

baby talk has been in the air a lot at my job too. my coworker and i were trying to explain to a young girl how wonderful being a woman is. and having babies came up. this young chica was wondering how it was. so we went into the whole thing. thank god i had a nice pretty story to tell about my labor as it was pretty smooth. and then my coworker who is 20 years older than me said "it's the most degrading thing a woman can go through"... huh?? i was dumbfounded... flabbergasted.. u name it i coudln't even speak.... i guess her experience wasn't too nice... something about a doctor with hands too big ... laying there with ur legs open or something... i wasn't listening cuz i was well you know shocked.

i tried recalling how i felt during the hours of my labor... i remember watching futurama on the hospital TV and my husband falling asleep... i remember how he didn't want to leave me when they stuck that needle in my back... i remember how the nurse was annoyed with me for not taking birthing classes... and how she said great so u don't know how to breathe... and i said "i'm breathing now aren't i??" i remember my husband encouraging me telling me she has jet black hair i can see her hair!!! and i remember them laying her on me all squishy and beautiful... i remember my hubby almost skipping with joy and telling him to move outta the way cuz i couldn't see what they were doing to her... barely noticing that my doc was tugging at me and patching me back together. it was the happiest moment of my life. nothing degrading about it

even if i shit would've shot outta my anus and hit the doctor in the face there would've been nothing degrading about it. i was glowing. i was happy and i was a mother. i didn't care that i looked like caca. i didn't care that nurses kept looking and probing. didn't care when people came into my room.. i breastfed, i bled and i cried, and i laughed. i felt like well... a woman.

so as tears welled up in my eyes maybe my coworker mistook them for me remembering my degradation. when in fact i was remembering the happiness... and i was biting my lip real hard so i didn't get up and punch her in the face.

so to all my friends who drank the water... get ready it's gonna be a good year. and to my drea. it freaks me out that my little baby is all grown up. i've never been this happy for you. u and selson will give my little pink monkey a home filled with laughter, faith, hope and love. and i'm gonna punch U in the face for making me cry again. PUNK!!! arg.

what do u think??

2008-11-17T20:18:00.000-08:00

do you like my picture??

i think it makes my nose look big. i mean i have a big nose. thanks dad! but i mean it really looks big.

i had some misgivings about posting my picture on this blog. see at one time this thing really was anonymous. my little place where i could air my dirty laundry and not care who read it.. after all who would know i was the angry pirate.

but now... who really reads this thing but my family and that one white friend i have??

so there i posted my picture so u guys could make fun of my big nose and know that i am ECUAFEA!!! (do the He-man voice in ur head while u read that)

and yes freak.. i will go out for drinks with u.. but i'm broke... soooo it's on u right?

on a serious note...

2008-11-07T20:15:00.000-08:00

i think i'm getting too serious. about EVERYTHING. i barely crack a smile. i leave depressing comments on people's blogs. i'm not as funny - ok i'm still funny but i'm not getting the joy i used from making fun of people.

am i stressed? am i unhappy? i don't know and i'm too tired to find out. i just want to be alone. watch House and forget that i have stuff to do. forget that i have potty training... middle states accreditation for my school to prepare for... cleaning... not even eating is appetizing to me. what's wrong with me?? i havn't felt like this in a very long time. i have been thinking of having a drink.. but i settle for rum cake instead. i've even taken to getting emotionally distressed after coworkers are particularly snippy with me. like anger and tears people... and the snapping at the husband is at an old time high... well.. he deserves it most of the time.

i think i'm depressed.
*sarg

it's ELECTION DAY

2008-11-04T20:01:00.000-08:00

Did you vote?? i did. and it was great and hassle free... and yes i voted Addabbo.

oh were u wondering who i voted for president?? take a wild guess.

the new kids are the old kids...

2008-10-30T20:20:00.000-07:00

and i'm LOVING it cuz i'm old too!!!

it was a brisk monday evening when i quickly walked the streets of New York City silently anticipating seeing my favorite boy band of all time. NKOTB!!!

i couldn't contain the excitement and at last i got to the borders next to MSG where i called my best chica la mala and started jumping up and down and twirling so she could spot me in the crowd.. not that it would be hard to miss a chubby little latina in a sea of white longe island girls... i spell longe island with the e cuz that's how they say it.. longe... longgge

it was great. there were chicks everywhere with a splattering of males here and there.. the disgruntled boyfriends.. even a group of guys hoping to hook up with drunk new kids fans... after 3 shots of wine.. shots cuz that's how long it took me to drink it.. i was ready to dance... i screamed at the top of my lungs.. bugged the disgruntled boyfriend next to me and found out his name was seamus from ireland (i never really thought i would ever meet a seamus from ireland... sounded too nora roberts to exist anywhere but a nora roberts book).

of course... i forgot my CAMERA!!!! luckily mala had her flip camera... so we have video people!!! i had a great time. it was the most fun i've had in a very long time... and i jumped and danced sooo hard that my old knees were hurting for the next two day... and my voice is just coming back now...

so if you want to see me and mala, or mala and me... mala and i?? (u grammar freaks) go here. and since this is my first time linking anything on this thing and i doubt it worked... i'm on YOUTUBE!!! just go there and search mamitamala and you'll see all the debauchery of my very new kid night.

ouch my knees still hurt... what sound does an old pirate make?? varg?? (vieja-arg)

Monday, the 13th...and the defense of my band

2008-10-14T18:43:00.000-07:00

so yesterday was our 2nd wedding anniversary. two years ago it was friday, the 13th a date that my hubby and i thought was appropriate for our wedding... as i scare him every monring when i wake up without make up.. haha.. no really i'm hot even with morning breath. haha

so we had a chill day at home and then at that wonderful bulk store sent from the gods... bjs that is. (i always wondered y they would call a store bjs.... it so dirrrrty haha). we had a good time. of

0

so this post was interrupted by a little 2.5 year old that didn't want to go to sleep. so... i lost the thread of my thoughts... and so we move on.

my husband has been annoying me lately... (haha see how we move from anniversary bliss to annoyance??) he's obsessed with the elections. i mean obsessed. and he can't even vote. he listens to republican radio stations all day.. to see what the "enemy" is saying. so believe me i'm annoyed during our morning drive. I argue with him to change the station. even if it's talk radio lets listen to a friendlier one.. please?? so he thinks because i refuse to listen that i'm ignoring the state of the country and i'm doomed or something.

THEN... on hi5(guiltiy pleasure of us both) he writes a comment on his page stating..."El Problema es q la Gente de USA no lee. Uds. no leen. That's how they get away with everything...Michael RuppertSigan jugando Xbox y RockBand Wii..have a nice afterlife!"

REALLY!!!! am i wrong to take this personally?? i mean he didn't write it on my page but as a status on his. but still.. that sounds a little to identical to ME!!! so i wrote on my page... "the problem is that you believe everything you read. Leave my rockband and my future xbox alone. I know more than you think but that doens't mean i have to be miserable and not have fun."

and so the hi5 battle begins. i'm just annoyed cuz when it comes to politics i'm the one he comes to with questions... and these times... are not signs that the world is going to end plumaboy... so stop talking about putting bars up on my windows... stop talking about my liver slowly deteriorating cuz i eat pizza... stop taking personal jabs at me on a public page cuz i told you to stop being dramatic... stop focusing on the negative.. sonriele a la vida que solo tienes una and sing a little song on rock band.

little args of the day

2008-10-09T12:53:00.000-07:00

in no particular order:

i hate it that i can't blog or comment on other people's blogs during the hours of 8AM- 3PM. See i work in a school and blogger is blocked during that time. i can read people's blog and view my own but i can't write any new posts. that doesn't make sense to me. i mean... think about it. i can read crazy blogs that have explicit details and such but i can't write a new post. wtf???

it doesn't take 3 licks to get to the center of the tootsie pop... and my teeth hurt because of it.

someone stole my scissors from my desk. and i have to cut a piece of paper right now.

i eat way too much candy at school and can't stop myself. it's damaging my voluptuous figure.

i can't believe it took me almost 4 years to learn to do this:

It's sad but true... little guy was trapped in my PC until today... now you all get to see him.

i'm annoyed that i don't have money to go out this weekend... cuz i need that money to buy things like food... i remember a time when i wouldn't eat lunch for a week just so i could go dancing and drink wine... i guess it's not a good diet for the little ones.

i'm annoyed i can't go pumpkin picking with ecuabella cuz my hubby is working and he wants to go with us so i have to wait for a day that he's not working to take her when i can take her by myself... the conversation just happened and i'm still annoyed.. can you tell??

and finally i'm sad cuz i felt sexy on wednesday.. and today i feel like an ugly

it's a duck people.. get it???

arg...

the ultimate arg...

2008-09-29T20:39:00.000-07:00

so i have a question for my blog reader (note the singular)..

how often do you think of ur exes???

yet another post that may make my husband angry but i've been wondering if it's normal to be thinking about ur ex. as in... is his life as miserable as i hope it would be??? or is he happy?? and more importantly.. how often does he think about me???

well i must confess that i have. i'll be clear i love my husband and my family and am greteful everyday for them. but i wonder all the time. maybe it's my wish to be so unforgetable that he's thinking of me all the time regretting how he hurt me. my hope that he's pinning over me... not cuz i'm pinning over him but because damn it... he shoud be regretting what he did.

and i don't understand people that stay friends with their exes. i mean besides people who have kids together. it doesn't make sense to me... i don't want to know that he's happy with some other chick. i don't want him to know anything about me... so y stay friends unless u want to hold on to the chance that u'll reconcile.

and then i feel guilty about thinking about him... about wishing him ill (although much less ill than when we first broke up. i'm over it u know). and i feel bad that after 8 years i couldn't stay friends with him. that i didn't want to cuz let's face it i really didn't like him all that much. and then i get sad that it took me 8 years and for him to cheat on me for me to realize that. it's not a good feeling. feeling like u wasted a good chunk of ur life to someone who really was a big fat poopie head. and that makes me say *sarg... quickly followed by an ARG cuz i shouldn't feel guilty about anything... or sad. i'm married to a husband that although is annoyed with me will go out and buy me wonderful sushi just cuz and tolerates my tantrums when i can't find something. and have wonderful kids that make me laugh all day long

so is that normal?? and can anyone find out for me if he's thinking of me?? :0)

im bored

2008-09-29T19:58:00.000-07:00

so... my life has become video games and discovery ID. Not really sure what it is about watching true crime television that fascinates me... is it the thought that crazy chainsaw massacre type people really exist?? whatever the reason i see myself changing the channel to 285 every chance i get... that is after watching my reality shows...

and then my weekends... i spend those playing video games... at my house or at drea's house... rock band... mario galaxy... trauma center... even bingo online.

what happened to me?? i used to go out dancing every weekend without fail. it was my workout really.. and my diet was really a liquid diet... wine.. red or white.

i even think i blogged about this before. this realization my hubby and i had over cheesecake as we flipped from a WWII documentary and Deranged and i just looked over to him and said... god we have a boring life...

so i then chugged 6 beers (ugh) came upstairs and played bingo.... woo hoo fun.

i need to get my joie de vivre back. i need to lose some weight so i can fit into my sexy clothes (not) and go shake my booty again and live off wine and hang out with people other than my 2.5 year old...

but sundays... those belong to rock band.

Ecuabella goes to school... almost

2008-07-12T20:25:00.000-07:00

i'm struggling with the decision to put my little pirate in day care. i'm afraid someone is not going to care for her as well as my mom or me. i'm afraid that she's gonna run the teachers crazy and they'll call me and tell me my daughter is too wild. i'm afraid of the first day i drop her off and she cries as i leave. well let's face it we'll both cry.

but i think she needs other little people around her. so she can learn to share and socialize and maybe pick up a toy or two. and she wants to go to "school" so she can write and color. i know cuz i've asked her. i sat her down and we talked. it was a mostly one sided conversation that finally ended with her saying ok mami...leche chocowate. and then i gave her her chocolate milk and declared to my husband... i don't think i'm ready.

i called the day care center on thursday. the same center my brothers and i went to when we where children. they asked me how old she was. 2.5 yrs. they asked me if she was potty trained... i exagerated(lied?)... yes. then they told me i had to come down and apply but they didn't have any openings till september. whew!!! i have time to get ready. till then there's leche chocowate for us both.

Regrets

2008-07-12T20:16:00.000-07:00

i have many regrets in my life. i wish i would've finished school. i wish i would've never gained the poundage i have now. but i think my deepest regret is not being a better friend to my friends. i'm a selfish person and i forget the people around me. i forget that other people have problems too and that the world - inexplicably - does not revolve around me. and it sucks that sometimes you realize these things when it's too late.

a few weeks back an old friend of mine died. i say an old friend not because we were friends for a long time... but because we were no longer friends. we had stopped talking to each other partly because i just didn't have the time to answer a phone call or return one. and now it's too late. and the guilt is getting to me. and of course then i get to thinking that this is just a way to make this all about me again.. and my guilt. when really it just proves how much i suck.

so does that mean i'm going to be a better friend to people around me?? i guess we just wait and see.... just don't wait by the phone... change takes time.

i'm ignorant and that's that

2008-05-12T14:51:00.000-07:00

so my mother's day started out pretty nice. i got a nice gift. was taken to eat at my favorite sushi place that was wonderful and NOT crowded. then our little fam went to the mall to do some shopping for ecuabella. it was all going well till i mention the idea of adding to our little fam. it is after all MOTHER'S Day and i was feeling very maternal. unfortunately my husband wasn't.

he told me i was crazy if i thought we were having another child. he told me that it would be irresponsible to bring another child into this world when we are struggling to finish school and make ends meet. that i'm ignorant and immature for getting mad at him cuz he doesn't want another child. he's not having another child and that's that.

so i'm pissed. i'm pissed cuz we never discussed this as a couple. in his macho little brain it was enough that he thought this and that was the end of his discussion. he never thought to ask when i wanted to have another child. if there had to be certain circumstances and conditions that i would be ready to have another child. he never asked. because that was that.

now i admit that i may have been a little mean when i told him that if i get pregnant he should just leave cuz i'm not getting rid of my child. and i also told him that he does nothing for me and maybe before he talks he should actually put his wallet where is mouth is. yes i said those things but damn it i was mad. how dare he make these choices for our family. i'm still pissed. we haven't spoken since yesterday. and that was the end of my mother's day.

arg...

16 years ago

2008-04-22T13:31:00.000-07:00

it seems unreal that i hardly ever write about my brother. i think of him every day. my brother Carlos was a wonderful guy. he always took care of his little sister. he was the one that told me about how guys lie. and what i should say if a guy said he liked me. he was the one that taught me how to forge my mom's signature on tests i failed. he was the one that taught me how it was to be a latino in a mostly white university and how not to let the branding as a HEOP student keep him down. he used to pay me to iron his shirts - which is y i refuse to iron my husband's shirts for free. he taught me how to fight our older brother. he taught me to love simon & garfunkel. he taught me a lot.

my brother died 16 years ago in a car accident along with 5 other people. he was just strolling across a park when a car lost control. he was 19.

i was only 14 when my brother was killed. i was very angry. i was angry at God for taking him away from me. i was angry at the driver. i was angry at my parents. i was angry for years. see i was the "strong" one. the one that was always happy. the one that always had a joke and never let anything faze her. that was when i started to use my "comedy" as a defense against anything. i learned to laugh at anything. and then the anger went away. it was there and then there was nothing. nothing at all.

i started to not care. i latched on to a relationship that wasn't working for 8 years because it was easier than not being in that relationship. i started to gain weight and not care about how i looked or felt. i stopped taking my medication and treatment for my PCOS - knowing that doing so would put me at a higher risk of cervical/ovarian cancer. i just didn't care.

about 3 years ago... i was with my best chica... having wine at a bar of course and we started to talk about dumb shit. and my brother came up. and she asked me - so when are u going to start to grieve??? and i just started to cry and cry and cry. i have cried for him before .. but never like that. i cried because i missed him. i cried because i missed who we were together. i cried because my family is empty without him. i cried for the life we would all have led had he decided to walk the long way to the train station.

and i was scared because i didn't know how to deal with the sadness. i didn't know what to do. i wanted to care again. but i didn't know how.

and then one day - even though i was not on medication or treatment - i got pregnant. a thing that according to my doctors was not possible. and i started to care. i got a "real" job and was in a relationship i wanted to be in. i started to live again. for Ecuabella and for me. for my husband too... even though sometimes i want him to live FAR from me. :0)

i think of my brother everyday and am thankful that he had a hand in making me who i am today. i don't take shit from anyone and i am strong. strong enough to live with his memory and strong enough to raise my daughter and let her know her uncle through my memories. i see my brother in my daughter's eyes. just as you see him through mine. it was 16 years ago and i'll never forget his laughter. my dad says i laugh just like him. i think it's because he's laughing too.

past entries revisited and a new conversation

2008-04-19T10:34:00.001-07:00

no one can deny that my blog has a theme of sorts... it has evolved from a blog about crazy relationships with thoughtless men/boys to realizing that what i really wanted was to find that one man that made me "happy". that my desire to be alone was really my desire not to get hurt... again. and the attraction to "perfect except" men/boys was my own way of emphasizing that i should really be alone cuz all men suck. it's good to know that i'm not the only fucked up person. perhaps it's not the guys that were emotionally unavailable ... perhaps they didn't want to get hurt too.

i had this conversation with a friend. his dilemma was similar well not similar... but he had a conflict. his mind was telling him no but his heart was telling him to go for it. he then says to me... i just can't stand commitment. or maybe he even used the word i'm afraid of commitment... negative. remember... no one really wants to be alone. so i told him to follow his heart. and he did.. not because i told him too but because he had already made up his mind. love is not a thought process. it's an emotion that doesn't give a crap about what you think. so take that chance. what's the worse that can happen? it won't work? at least u tried.

and this whole i just wanna be happy thing isn't easy. love isn't easy. i think it was ms. rae in High School that told us love was WORK. hard work. there are times of happiness and there are times of well not happiness. so you work at it. and you try. and sometimes u get lucky. and that's happiness... finding someone u want to work for.

folded undies and condom wrappers

2008-02-25T19:21:00.000-08:00

hello peoples. it's been a while since i was here.

I started a new thankless job... don't know what it is about these jobs that attracts me so. i work in a school now. not as a teacher as it should be but as a secretary... makes me want to wish i stuck it out at hunter, huh? And while i have to defend my intelligence and demand the respect i deserve i still manage to get bothered when people doubt me. i should be used to this crap considering i worked the MOST thankless job ever. i just wish i could tell people off without any repercussions ya know? hit them in the face a couple of times without getting arrested.. ya know??

anywho... my life has again become my job. i'm here all the time neglecting my hubby and my daughter. not that my husband cares. his mom came from spain earlier this spring and proceeded to try to destroy any semblance of a happy marriage i have with him. the first day she was here she went into our room while we were working and proceeded to take all of our clothes out of the drawers and refold them... the RIGHT way. wtf? oh and then she folded my undies. even the crotchless ones and such... really. oh and then there was the fact that she collected all the condom wrappers my husband left around (u know when ur in a hurry u have no time to be neat and put them in the waste basket) and piled them neatly on my night stand. really. and then the whole time she was here i was a single woman again. my husband ignored me the whole time. so much for love right?

so that has been my life for the last few weeks. thank god the woman left to ecua for a few weeks. i'm dreading when she comes back.

so my life isn't as exciting as when i almost died crossing the blvd of death... or when i was physically removed from the batcave cuz i didn't want to take "the bar is closed" as an answer. times change. but just for u i'm gonna go out and have an illicit affair and make babies in the back of a car... nah... i'll stick to the potty training of the little pirate. arg.

out of the DARK

2007-03-21T13:28:00.000-07:00

10 months since my last blog entry. 10 months that i had no time to write even a few words to express how i was feeling. perhaps that's y i was so angry and sad. see... not too hard to fall back into the grove of the drama. haha

i quit that stupid job. that job that drove me crazy. no no. i liked my job. i thought i was doing a giving a little something back to my williamsburg community... but my boss. she let her political position make her into a green headed monster with purple sores oozing blue goo. i hate that bitch and she can kiss my ass.

so now i have time to blog. i have time to tell you that i got married on Friday the 13th at city hall. Had my reception at home and i bought my dress on ebay.

i can tell you that my daughter is now walking and dancing her little booty off like her mama.

i can tell you my bestgirl had a new baby and we are speaking like the good ole times.

i can tell you about the drama that still continues with my husband's ex wife and will never really end.

i can tell you how the stress of my old job made me gain back the 35 pounds i had worked so hard to lose and how trans fat had nothing to do with it.

i can tell you how i'm over the batcave but still visit from time to time with my hubby.

i can tell you how bored i am that i'm home and not working.

see... lots to write about. it may not be as interesting as when i was the self proclaimed whore of the cave.. oh wait someone else proclaimed that. but anyhow... it will be interesting. and i know you can't wait. :0)

i'm waiting

2006-05-20T09:02:00.000-07:00

saturday. when i should be with my daughter i'm waiting... in my office. for my coworkers to show up. we are "restructuring" the office. which pretty much means we are cleaning all the crap up. so i'm bored. wondering what's for lunch.

i've become an ebay whore... and i'm not ashamed of it. where else can u get a brand new pair of jeans with tage for 99 CENTS!!!! i also got my daughter's formula from there. for about 30% less than at the store.

i'm hungry. i've been dieting for about a month and have lost 10lbs. now i'm at my preprego weight.. which means that i have to lose all the weight i wanted to lose before i got pregers.

did i mention that my coworker was late and i'm waiting?

i got an email from an old college professor. about having a kind of mini reunion with classmates from the honors program at Hunter. i want to go cuz he was one of my favorite teachers (picture a puerto rican santa... i swear) but how do i go back and meet those overacheivers in the honors program and tell them that i didn't finish? that i threw out that opportunity that i had when i had it? that all my hard work was for naught because now ... without a diploma my almost 4.0 gpa means nothing. that all the hours i put in the library and writing papers don't count cuzi never got that slip of paper with a magna cum laude, cum laude or even just a fucking congrats on it. i loved school. and i left cuz i had to take care of a sick someone. then when i went back... i had lost my rhythm. and when i got it back i was poor without a job and paying way too much fucking money for cigarettes and wine. now i'm all rhythmic again and i have a beautiful healthy someone to take care of. i love bella and i'm so happy that i have her now... but i loved being a nerd!! as soon as i can i'm going back to school even if i'm 50 and getting hot flashes i'm going to finish being a nerd. i just have to wait.

did i mention that i was waiting....

The Co-worker

2006-05-18T07:09:00.000-07:00

he's this guy that sits right accross from me. he talks on the phone way too loud. because he wants us all to hear how he tries to shmooze people in our district. he says totally inappropriate things in the office ex. - he gets off the phone with another electeds staff member and says i hate that girl.. she sounds like a fat miserable lonely person. he's confrontational, belligerant, argumentative... all those adjetives rolled up into one. He's a problem. so much so that even our divaboss has to warn peopel about him... as in... i apologize in advance if he comes off as pushy and annoying... he means well.

now this may just be me but... if u have warn people about one of ur staff members the person should stop being ur staff member. we can't stand him here at the office... but... we don't think he'll be around for much longer. his crassness and all together lack of manners and professionalism will get him fired... or at least we hope it will.

No live for me!!!

2006-05-12T10:53:00.000-07:00

so the first taste of the sacrafices that are now part of my life cuz of motherhood... was that dramatic enough for ya?
my beau has been on a concert frenzy lately. last week we went to see INXS and this week we were supposed to go see LIVE. but of course... i didn't have a babysitter. so what did i do last night while my beau and his lucky cousin where enjoying THREE encores?? i was home burping my bella. rocking her so she fell asleep in my arms and waiting for her sleepy eyes to close and her little head rest on my shoulder as she pinched my neck (she does that to everyone.. she's a neck pincher!)... who am i kidding... i think i had a better time last night.

Happy mother's day to me!!

my poor baby..

2006-05-03T09:52:00.000-07:00

she had her check up yesterday and got 4 shots!!! she cried so much it broke my heart. My beau couldn't watch and closed his eyes and helped comfort her afterwards.
i didn't come to work so i could spend the day with her yesterday and make her feel better... but i was bombarded with txt messages from my job about when i was coming in and all the things i had to take care of. it was annoying.

now i'm getting more responsibility thrown at me. hopefully they'll also throw some more money at me but i have to ASK... instead of it being given in the same way more work was being given to me. but even if they give me a raise is more money worth not being home with my bella when she's hurting. or when she's happy... or when she's sleeping...

day 3

2006-04-12T08:53:00.000-07:00

just got worse. bella has been having trouble sleeping. she wakes up as soon as i get home which is usually late with this job and even though i see she's super tired she fights sleeping. and the way she does this is by crying... she stops when i hold her. or just when she sees me. she stares at me dozes off but as soon as i step away she up again. i refuse to let her sleep in bed with us because well i think her bed is cleaner and more comfy... so i didn't get to sleep till 5am. i was so tired that i slept through her next crying fit... my mother had to sneak into our room and take her away so i could get a few hours of sleep.

so i woke up super late ... and got to work super late. and i got screamed at for being late. ok fine i'm late that's not good blah blah.. but i don't deserve to be screamed at...
hello chief of staff, sorry i'm late...
yeah, well i'm the one that's going to get fired because of all you guys and then she's gonna come in here and fire all of you. none of you are doing your work and i get screamed at.

because i really need this right now. i wanted to tell her off. to tell her how out of all the people in this office she really should not be screaming at me. about how if she needs to talk to me about my work or lateness she should do it privately and not in front of everyone. i wanted to quit on the spot because it's one way to be home with my bella. but i just walked away. walked away wanting to cry i was so angry.

it won't take much to set me off today... i hope everyone stays clear of me.

day 2

2006-04-11T12:16:00.000-07:00

today is the second day back at work. or how i'm looking at it the second day that i've traded being with my daughter at home for coming to a little pocket of hell in brooklyn. my bella is at home with my mom. my mom is feeding her and burping her and changing her instead of me. i'm stuck here. it sucks here. i want to be home with my baby. i hate day 2.

12 days and counting....

2006-03-28T11:15:00.000-08:00

12 days till d day... the d stands for dooms day... death day... damn it i have to go back to work day. i'm dreading it. not only because i have to leave my baby for hours everyday. but because i just hate my job. i mean really. so i'm trying to keep my mind off d day. bella keeps me busy with the constant feeding and diaper changes. but my mind always wanders back to d day.... with dread. sarg....

out of the fat loop

2006-03-23T11:23:00.000-08:00

So since I've had my baby and even before she was born I seem to have lost touch with the outside world. Between amnios and freaking out cuz my daughter wasn't latching on to my boob correctly (that was my first freak out...cuz that effectively made me a bad mother) I have no time to even check my email let alone keep up with fads and stuff.

So what the fuck are trans fats and why is everyone going crazy about it? Every bag of junk food I manage to shove down my throat says 0 trans fats. So are trans fats the enemy now? And if so since the bag of doritos I'm working on now has 0 trans fat does that mean I can eat the whole thing? Can someone explain this to me cuz I can't look it up cuz I have to feed my baby... Again.

a new addition to the crew

2006-03-08T15:11:00.000-08:00

i started having contractions at 6 am on friday the 24th. they weren't too bad. pretty mild. mild enough that i napped during the day. the only person that knew i was in pain was my beau and i sent him to work. I called my doctor at about 8pm and he said to wait at home till i couldn't take the pain. ok... so i waited till midnight.

when i got the hospital the intern was "impressed"(her words not mine) i was already 6 inches dialated... woohoo... my first nightmare was averted. you know getting sent home cuz of a false alarm. i get a room and a nurse. i greedily say yes to the pain killers. and then... i nap till about 6am. my doctor comes in and says i was doing great. he tells me that it's going pretty fast for my first child... then he tells me it's time to start pushing. 59 minutes later my little angel was born. She was 6lbs 14ozs and 19inches long.

as they are cleaning her up i'm distracted by my doctor trying to deliver the placenta. i look down at him.. everything ok down there? yes he says (they already think i'm crazy so he's not surprised at my comments). you did great he said. i look at my beau and say.. she's cute.. we reproduce well. he gives me the thumbs up from where he's standing over our daughter... i'm not making this shit up.. he really gave me the thumbs up.

my parents get there 5 minutes after she is born with my step daughter. she's so excited that she starts crying... is this mine she asks?

i was super tired. i'm still super tired. i havn't slept well in more than a week. i'll blog during any down time i have... i'll blog about my first freak out.. my second freak out and the third one i seem to be working on. i'll talk about how i'm really concerned about going back to work in 5 weeks... it seems like too soon.

so it seems that this little blog has become less about me and more about my little swashbuckler... i have a gilligan to my skipper... wait they weren't pirates... and the minnow sucked... but u know what i mean. i have to start teaching her how to say arg...

2 down 8 to go

2006-02-10T14:20:00.000-08:00

i'm sure most of you know i'm ready to have this baby. i can't breathe, sleep or move at a normal speed. being pregnant is hard. so when my doctor told me at my visit on wednesday that i was 2 cm dialated i got all happy and excited!!

2cm!!! what does that mean!! i asked all giddy... he responded... " nothing really just that ur 2 cm dialated.... and the excitement went *poof! he told me that even though i'm dialated it doesn't mean i'm popping any time soon.. i could still make it to my due date... 3 WEEKS AWAY!

so i have to deal with sleep deprevation for 3 more weeks... not like i'm gonna sleep when the baby is on the other side of my pansa... hey 2 cm is better than none right??

flowers and cab fare... not enough

2006-02-06T10:47:00.000-08:00

so this weekend was the event my boss was freaking out over and what we argued about. i've barely spoken to her for the past few days and for the record i ended up doing things how i had planned originally and not how she wanted. the event was a total success of course... and in the middle of the event when my boss is giving out awards and such she calls me up in front of everyone and presents me with flowers. she said that she drove me crazy for this event but that it was wonderful and she wants to thank me especially since i'm 8 months prego and blah blah blah.

Then later on when it was time to go home she gave me cab fare. cuz she didn't want me to get sick with the rain.

this woman thinks that flowers and cab fare are gonna make up for the stress she made me have. for making me hate my job and for making me hope that my baby comes sooner than march 5th so i can leave the office early. see i told you politicians are crazy.

all elected officials are crazy

2006-02-01T13:32:00.000-08:00

it's official. our crazy president's smug face during his speech last night which said nothing is partial proof. my boss provided the rest of it.

she's crazy. there is no other way to say it. yesterday we got into a screaming match which she won cuz well she's my boss and i have to do what she says in the end if i want to keep my job. i was tempted to just leave. just walk out and say a big fuck u to her dumb primadonna fat ass but i stopped myself. because i'm 8 months pregnant and, well, i need the health insurance and my paid leave.

so i sat here for the rest of the day. just stewing. angry that i have to be in an uncomfortable and stressful environment for 4 more weeks. i hate it that during the convo she screams that she works 12 hour days.. when really she works more like 12 hour weeks and her staff clocks in at 60-75 hours weeks.

so now i refuse to stay late for meetings. i refuse to push myself more than i absolutely have to for this woman. i'm not going to put myself in a position where my sanity and my child's health can be in danger. fuck her.. it's her name on the line. so now this job has become nothing more than a pay check. a mediocre one at that.

Baby chower

2006-01-30T12:20:00.000-08:00

At least that's how my mom says it.
this weekend my best friend mala, cousin dre@ and mom threw me a baby shower... at a reggaeton club my mom rented out for the afternoon. but there was no regaeton played that day. only corney ecuadorian music which everyone except mala enjoyed. my aunts couldn't stop raving about the music... considering that it was a baby shower i didn't mind.. although the dj was annoying when he called me the wife of my boyfriend's name cuz he forgot my name... that got a "anda dile a ese pendejo el nombre que se le olvido" from my boyfriend.

I got lots of presents and the food was great. i even got a song dedicated to my by my beau... which although it was badly sung (by the dj) it's the most romantic thing he's done for me in public. it was nice...

everyone did a good job and i had fun. i just hope labor is as good...

thankless job

2006-01-05T14:25:00.000-08:00

so i work for an elected official and one of my duties is helping people in our district on various issues but mostly housing issues. I understand that people are desperate and looking for apartments or whatever but it's not easy. i get tons of phone calls everyday asking for status about their case like i'm only working on one thing... they don't understand that keeping me on the phone is keeping me from making phone calls for them. they don't understand i can't work miracles. But sometimes we are able to get things done faster. and then these people miraculously fall off the face of the earth. one case i had i set up an appointment for her to see someone at HPD and her case was resolved... i asked her to call me and let me know how her case went... she never did. not even to say thanks or even it's about time. it almost makes me want to tell people to fuck off and leave me alone.

and then u get the people that remember all u did for them. that call u crying to say thank you. or that just call to wish u luck on the new year and ask about my growing belly. they don't come often... i can count them on one hand. it almost makes me forget that i want to tell the other fuckers to leave me alone... almost.

i'm so bored!

2005-11-21T17:41:00.000-08:00

i usually have community meetings that i have to attend as part of my job. I have at least one a week. the problem is that most of these meetings don't start till after 7 and i'm stuck at the office waiting around till it's time to go. To make matters worse i' m the only one with a meeting tonight so i'm waiting by my self. i'm bored to tears and i have nothing to do. any suggestions on what i can do to pass the time when i'm stuck at the office?

on a different note... i went maternity clothes shopping this weekend and i hate how i look in maternity clothes. and the maternity bras... ugh..

so it that irony??

2005-11-16T15:08:00.000-08:00

every since that dumb alanis song i've been confused about what irony is.. but here's my story.

If u faithful reader (singular cuz there is only one of u) go into my archives and look up may 30th or so you will find a post about a conversation i had with my beau in which he tells me he loves me but doesn't have any plans to marry me(read the post). i was sad for a while, but quickly got over it knowing my beau can be over dramatic at times...

that weekend... also happens to be the weekend i got with child.. knocked up is that better? is that irony? cuz now we are in when we get married mode... the very night he was all i can't make forever plans right now we made a forever plan. so is that irony?

well i've been worried lately that the reason he wants to get married is cuz we are having a baby(he brought up getting married the same day we found out i was pregs). and while i want to marry him cuz i looooves him i've been a little resistant to the whole thing.

so i did what i always do ... i asked him if he wanted to get married cuz i was having a baby or if he'd marry me regardless. he said i was silly for asking.. and that i should know. i just looked at him... and said. dear i know u love me and that isn't the issue. u loved me in may and said u wouldn't marry me... and he said. i do love u and i think we are in a better place now then 6 months ago. we live together and we are getting along better. it's time to make forever plans don't u think?

yeah i do think.. but now i'm the one that wants to take it slow.. so is that ironic?

Señora

2005-11-09T17:12:00.000-08:00

election day was yesterday and i was out there handing out shit and reminding people to vote...more on that later i have other more important stuff to write about...

on sunday my beau, his daughter and i stopped by to visit his cousins and aunt. I waited in the car because i was feeling tired (and bitchy). but of course i ended up having to pee about 2 minutes after he went inside the house and i ended up following him in anyways. after much belly rubbing and questions about my little girl we were finally ready to leave. as we were walking out the door we run into some other family member and my beau introduces me as his Señora. i did a double take and looked at him.. not sure if how i should feel...

the first time i was called anyone's señora was when i went to this party with a guy friend. i went to this party with this kid as a friend and had no idea that he thought it was something more. ok ok i really went cuz it was the birthday party of the midget and i was still hung up on him and i thought going with his friend would give me an opportunity to get back together with him... yes i'm a dork i know. so anyways he introduces me to the people at the party as his old lady (sounds much worse in english) and i almost threw up...

so when my current beau called me his señora i didn't know how to react. it makes me feel old. i mean i don't go around introducing him as mi señor that sounds way too religious... i didn't mention anything to him. so i guess that i'm not just his girlfriend... maybe he can say this is my baby momma.. or the woman with my illigitimate child. yeah... i guess señora is more pc than any of those. Señora Fea... sarg

better safe than sorry... shut up

2005-11-01T17:45:00.000-08:00

so these past few months have been filled with many emotions. i'm happy and excited about being a new mom. but i've also worried to no end about my baby's health and well being. my shiney new private doctor has not helped matters.

a couple of weeks back i got a phone call that a blood test came back funny. they advised me to get an amnio better to know now... so i went to get my test done even though my beau was not happy with them sticking a huge needle in my tummy. I found out before my test that the chances the baby had something wrong were 1 in 141.... less than 1%. but i let myself get sucked into that better to know now mentality and got the test done anyways. it hurt like a bitch...

today... i went for my second trimester sonogram. it was actually my second go at this sonogram because the first time i went they were unable to get all the pics they needed. so this go around the baby (stubborn like her parents) would not turn and face the camera so that all important picture of the heart was unattainable. now because of this they want to refer me to a prenatal cardiologist... not because they saw something wrong but because they just didn't see the heart. My baby's heart is a perfect 4 chamber heart that beats at a perfect 150 bpm... she doesn't need any more tests done. the technician said to me better safe than sorry...

so what is it? why all these little saying being thrown at me. tell me something concrete. stop making me worry!!! i have more important things to worry about.. like what color scheme the baby's room and bedding will be...just let me enjoy this without the needles and the beeping machines... just my beau and i curled up in bed feeling our healthy baby girl kick.

the grapevine

2005-10-21T15:46:00.000-07:00

so as i was checking my email for the 10th time during my busy workday i come across an email from my ex. It was in the junk mail folder. a folder that i have the habit of checking because sometimes stuff gets lost in there that i need.

so the email says that he heard it through the grapevine that i was expecting and that he wishes me all the joy with my new baby... um thanks.

then he goes on to say that he's a father now too and that it's hard work but he enjoys it... then he attaches like 20 pics of his son.

this bothers me. not because he knows info about me because, although annoying, it's expected cuz we still have some mutual friends... it bothers me that he thought he had to email me. that he thought i was interested in his life. that we still needed to share things. i mean the kid's cute... but i didn't need to see him.

i'm not responding to the email because i just don't want to. there is no need. so i'll just leave it there in the junk folder. and the next time he sends me something and i see his name in the junk mail folder... i'll just leave it there unread... with the rest of the spam.

Happy Birthday Big Sister!!!!

2005-10-14T16:14:00.000-07:00

this sunday my beau's first born will be 3 years old. So tomorrow we are picking her up super early to celebrate the big event with her. we weren't going to do anything big but then decided(my beau decided with a cousin of his even after i repeatedly asked if we were going to plan something for the child) that we would have a few close family members and friends gather around a yummy ice cream cake and sing happy birthday to her.

i have her present already.. it's this over sized dora the explorer pillow that's bigger than her.. she'll love it and my beau wants to get her a small piano and some puzzles and stuff. we even debated taking her to the toy store to pick out her stuff but then decided that she would run amok... which isnt always good.. then again it's her birthday she should be able to run amok.

i love this little girl. she's adorable. she understand that she has a little sibling on the way... she know her ñaña(o) is inside my belly. she talks into my stomach and waves hello and goodbye. She'll lift my shirt to see if she can see the baby. and then looks at her own belly and says "me too". then the disappointment in her eyes when i tell her only big girls can have babies.

so tonight when i get home i'm going to make some princess chocolate lollipops for her. so she can have some favors to give her guests. and hopefully she'll get cool gifts that i can play with too.. :)

on today's menu...

2005-10-13T11:46:00.000-07:00

i'm having a falafel for lunch today. Just thought u should all know. it's yummy and crunchy and has no meat in it... cuz red meat makes me puke now.

my clothes no longer fit me. i'm wearing velour pants on my casual days at work... u know the ones with the stretchy waist band. my jeans refuse to close. having problems with some shirts too... my body is just expanding daily.

no falafel for lunch today. the place we were gonna order from has closed down..:( what do i eat now? i'm hungry.

thai or american?? we had american on tuesday... and chinese yesterday.. i can't choose... more restaurants need to open around here... for the baby's sake.

how does it feel?

2005-10-12T10:33:00.000-07:00

yesterday when my beau got home from work he got into bed with me and put his hand on my growing belly. he waited hoping that he would feel our baby move. he finally did and then said. my baby is going to be a mommy soon... how does it feel?

it feels good. and at the same time terrifying. to think that in 20 weeks i'll have this little person to take care of. i can barely care for myself. and then there's the whole raising the kid right... i don't want him/her to be a bad person... or a psycho killer. i have to mold this person and it's pretty scary...

then there's another part of me that can't wait till i have a little me trailing behind me. to have someone that i can teach all the things my mom didn't teach me and i had to learn on my own. if my baby is a boy he'll be the perfect little gentleman. a girl ... kick ass like her mom and not take shit from anyone.

so i'm excited about the whole mom thing.. scared but happy.
so my answer last night was simply: It feels good.

For the record....

2005-10-05T16:47:00.000-07:00

I'm a miserable pregnant woman. i complain about everything. but i'm uber happy about being a mom... and i'm happy with my man.. so everyone back off...

I like my current job and my co workers are pretty cool.. most of the time.

I hate ketchup and hope that my child has the same aversion to it that i do...

i'm not sure if that last sentence was gramatically correct nor do i really care...

my dislike of my job over the summer is in no way directly related to my boss. he happened to be nice.. wish i could say things have stayed the same...

i im with a coworker that sits a desk over all day... just because we can.

i'm so lazy that instead of going to the grocery store to buy a lemon i'm going to walk 4 blocks to my aunt's house so that i can take one of hers... that way i don't have to stand on line at the store or even pick the lemons out... come to think of it.. walking the 4 blocks?? screw the lemon...

i missed my parents while they went on their vacation and they are coming home today... i predict that by friday i'll be wanting them back in guayas...

i can leave work early today to get that lemon from my aunt's...
later

only the lonely

2005-10-03T01:44:00.000-07:00

i think that's the name of the song... i could be wrong though. i always make shit up.

so i've been depressed and a little lonely lately. My beau is working nights recently and i don't really get to see him during the week. by the time he gets home i'm sleeping already. and this weekend he had to work double. so that means that i spent the weekend at home all by myself. it's ok i got a lot of much needed rest. but i'm lonely. i don't feel appreciated or like if anyone is concerned about me. i know he has to work but i believe there should be a balance. I mean... what about his family? what about me??

i'm an invalid

2005-09-29T11:28:00.000-07:00

so i guess because i have a baby duck growing inside me that the people that surround me belive that i am broken in some way.

my mother won't let me go up and down the stairs to fast... por que se me sale el bebe.
i can't throw myself on the couch too hard... cuz it'll pop out.

my boyfriend won't let me cross my legs cuz it'll mess up my back. I can't eat junk food cuz it's junk (there was a huge family discussion cuz i had a slice of pizza). sleep on my stomach?? that's just crazy. and then there's the 20 questions i must field after every time we have sex... is the baby ok?? are u ok???

and then yesterday... the chica who i thought was not party to all this baby nonsense... mala wouldn't go out with me yesterday to the tertulia cuz get this... she didn't want me going home so late. i just looked at her... and wondered huh? so i asked her what's the difference if i get home late now or if i got home late last year? and she said i guess there is no difference... but still u shouldn't be out too late.

so i went home. and fell asleep on the couch. woke up when my beau got home from work.. and then he told me that i shouldn't sleep on the couch. it's not good for me.

it's a duck

2005-09-21T09:40:00.000-07:00

i heard my baby's heartbeat for the first time the other day. very cool.

i'm pregnant and happy. and emotional and feeling icky most days.. which makes me the worst person to be around at times.

i just started my new job so until i get all my insurance stuff together i've been going to a public hospital... which has made me realize that public hospitals treat u like an idiot... so now i'm searching for a private doctor to pop this baby out early next year.
i have my first sonogram on friday... i'll get my first picture that day...very cool

so when i was describing how the baby's heartbeat sounded to my 17 year old cousin on saturday... i made this really weird sound... i don't even know how it's spelled. but the reaction from my cousin was... it's a duck.

It's Flag Day

2005-06-14T11:58:00.000-07:00

and it's my birthday. i'm 28 years young? oh i'm getting old. it's ok. i'm happy. i mean... i hate my job i want to move out of my parent's house and i want to loose more weight.. but i'm happy. go figure.. perhaps it's cuz my relationship with my boyfriend is almost blissful(i say almost cuz nothing is perfect... ) perhaps it's cuz i have the coolest best friend that i can count on.. and perhaps it's because i'm a uber cool person...

so this year for my birthday i don't need anything. i'm happy it's all i want... oh and some cash.. i'll take cash.

happy birthday to me!!! :0)

he finally gets it

2005-06-06T14:50:00.000-07:00

yesterday my beau and i made 7 months. we had a very nice lazy day at my place. (well.. after all the sex we had a very lazy day.. hehe) we watched tv ate italian ices and went out to get yummy italian food. but of course the conversation from last week came up.

we were watching tv i think.. i don't even know how it came up but something about how it's important to have tools if u own a house. and i said... well i won't have to worry about that after u move in. he gives me a look. i say.. don't worry that won't be till we are at least together 2 years. he says damn.. why 2 years? and i say well if i had left it like that u would've have started with the we've only been together for 7 months.. i've not ready for that u want to move too fast blah blah blah.. he laughs cuz he knows it's true.

so then i say.. i'm not ready to move in with u... i never said i wanted to marry u either. your little speech last week made me feel like crap. he said it wasn't my intention i just wanted u to know where i was on that topic. as far as i'm concerned i said.. that topic should have never been brought up. and i felt bad because after ur whole speech all it meant to me was that i wasn't good enough.. that's why i'm still pissed about it. i sit here and do all these things for u... and it's nto good enough. i felt taken for granted and like i was wasting my time.

he apologized. said he didn't mean for it to be personal.. ??????????? he then said.. wait i guess it was cuz i was talking about us... but i meant that he just wasn't ready. i do love u and i'm sorry i did that.

so later that night when we were in bed he says to me.. thank you babe. and i'm like thank you? for what? por ser tan bonita y buena conmigo. i think he gets it. finally

wedding day bliss part whatever

2005-06-05T22:42:00.000-07:00

this saturday my beau and i went to my friend's wedding. I've known Big O (big O cuz his name starts with the letter o and it alludes to the cartoon network show by that title.. nothing to do with orgasms) since about the 5th grade.. i was in the 6th. he's a good guy. very easy going.

the wedding was fun. it was on one of thsoe boats that goes around the city. at first i was getting a little motion sickness but then i got used the the motion in the ocean and was good to go. they had a very untraditional wedding reception (the ceremony was normal) no speeches. no announced entrance. they got on the boat and said ok.. let's eat and the boat moving. music's upstairs. within the hour all the women upstaris were dancing barefoot to old school hip hop. the bride was glowing and big O was his normal laid back self. when he came over to our table to chat i asked him.. hey how's it going.. oh u know.. getting married and shit.

the cake wasn't a cake... they had one small round cake for the bride and groom and the rest were chocolate and vanilla cupcakes. they were yummy. i had my dance with the groom. and like every other time the old crew is together.. there was an after party at big o's house. i didn't make it though.. my beau had work stuff to be done.

it was nice seeing two people that are totally in love getting married. it was perfect.

the wedding bells ring yet again

2005-06-03T12:20:00.000-07:00

so i have another wedding to go to this saturday. my friend from grammar school is finally getting hitched. i think i'll be sad and happy. happy because i think they make a great couple. they are truely happy together and she's the only girl that he's been with that i actually consider a friend now too.

i'll be sad because it will remind me of something i may never have. and i'm not just saying that because of the conversation i had with my current beau. i really think that getting married is something that's way out there. i've joked with mala that we'll end up living together with 21 cats.. but i really do see this as a possible outcome. well maybe not that many cats. so while the conversation may have made this possiblity a little more plausible... i've been thinking this way for a very long time...

i'll also be sad because the wedding is at the freakin crack of dawn!!! the ceremony is at 9am! and the reception at 11:30!! now we all know i have a problem with the getting places on time.. it's almost certain that i'll miss the ceremony... damn it i have to start getting ready now. arg

in all fairness

2005-06-01T13:23:00.000-07:00

i feel like i've been unfair to my beau in how i represent him in my blog. he's a good man. he's a caring boyfriend. he's not all to blame about the communication problems we are having. and to tell the truth i'm not all that upset about his "no marriage" speech the other day. I'm upset because he doesn't think i support him.

i'm a needy person. in high school i surrounded myself with as many friends as i could so that when i was at home... i had someone to talk to on the phone. most of the time i didn't even lke the person i was talking to but hey it was something.

after high school i only kept a few friends.. and only one that i call on a regular basis. and even she gets annoyed at me at times. so my social circle is not really a circle at all... so when i first met him he was going through a slow time at work. we would talk for hours on the phone and many times a day... now he's working double days and 7 days a week. he can't talk to me for more than 10 minutes and when we see each other he's dead tired. so i start complaining. and nagging.

so he's frustrated because he says he gives me as much time as he can and it's not enough for me... i don't support him in his work or otherwise... but i do. i've never asked him to take a day off of work for me... i help him with his daughter when he needs it and hey i cook for him.. that's support. no?

so it's not all his fault. on monday when i start my new job (woohoo) things will change because now i won't have time for him. maybe things will go back to normal now that i won't have that much time on my hands... now both him and mala can take a break from the emotional support they have to give me.

so in all fairness... he's not a bad boyfriend. i take him for granted as much as he does me i think. he's just scared... i'm sacred too. aren't we supposed to be??

we talked... i don't feel that much better.

2005-05-31T17:30:00.000-07:00

well i do feel better as far as i got what i had to say out. and he promised to listen more and take for granted less. and i promised to stop doubting his feelings for me. but then he said something that bothered me. bothered me in the way that i got a little weepy... cuz i'm a dork?

see he said that right now he has no plans of marrying. which is great cuz i don't want to marry him either.. i mean we've only been together a handful of months... but i do want to get married eventually.

ok so let's start with the conversation and how it turned into a marriage talk. we were watching miss universe and i was crossstitching and he was trying to learn... we were having a good time and i realized what our problem was. it wasn't that we don't get along because we do and we have lots of stuff in common and he's almost as crazy as i am. he makes me laugh to the point of peeing. our problem is communication... and even bigger problem is that we have the same short temper.

so while we are watching the news and he's horrified about the little girl that stabbed her best friend to death i turn to him and say... u know i love you right?? (perfect setting i know) he says of course baby. and i tell him i know u love me too. i think our problem is that... and then he interrupts. that u think i don't love u right?? already i'm irritated.. so i check the temper and say.. no our problem is that we don't listen to each other.. wait let me finish. we don't listen to each other. we jump and lash out at each other before we let the other one finish their point. we can't say anthing to each other without it turning into a thing and if we keep doing this then we are just going to end up resenting each other. he said i was right and that he would listen to me... i felt good. we had a conversation and we got somewhere. woohoo!!!

then he says... can i ask u to do something for me?? i say sure... stop saying and telling everyone that ur never going to get married. stop saying things like with your next girlfriend or when we aren't together because that really pisses me off. ok i say. then he says... i dont have any plans of getting married fea...ever. it's the farthest thing from my mind.. but it's like u say that stuff to bother me... but i can't make any promises. i'm being honest with you. i care about u and i want to be with u.

the conversation lasted a long time. i don't remember everything that was said. i do remember that i told him that i didn't want to get married yet. and he said that he ddin't know if he wanted to get married ever. he said that we should just take things slow and see where this takes us.. who knows...

so i'm upset because even though i don't want to get married now i do want to get married eventually. so am i just wasting my time with this guy? i mean.. is what he said all that bad?? he was just being honest.

mala asks me well how did the convo end. it ended while i was getting ready to sleep and he noticed that i was upset. he held me and said.. fea i love you and i want to be with you... please don't be upset... but i am. he loves me and wants to be with me.. is that enough?

they just don't get it

2005-05-27T15:44:00.000-07:00

and by they i mean the people in my life. i've come to the realization that no one really knows or understands me. and i guess that's just fine since i've decided to stop trying.

yesterday my mother went on a rant quickly followed by a rave about my life and blah blah blah. i admit that i have a very short fuse. i get annoyed very easily(which is seriously making me reconsider the whole being a mom someday thing). I know that my mother and i will never get along. especially since she refuses to understand that i'm all grown up now. if i make mistakes they are mine... all mine. she questions my choice men, life, food and just about everything. a little fight over somethiing as dumb as a freakin puzzle(fo real we started arguing about a freakin mickey mouse puzzle) turned into a huge fight about well just about everything.

fucked up thing is that i can't do anything about it. i dont' have a job right now so i'm stuck at home till i can afford a place. so... i'm just gonna give up.

then there is my beau. he's a good boyfriend don't get me wrong... but he just doesn't get me. i admit i'm a little clingy and i get annoyed very easily... but damnit think a little. summer is his busy season at work. so he's been working pretty much 7 days a week which means that we hardly go outside. wednesday was the first time we go out in a while... and that was cuz his buddy was here. see where i'm going with this?? yesterday he tells me that his friends are going to six flags and i should go.. i say that's just weird if i go without u and am just with a bunch of ur friends so no i would rather go when u go... fine he says. he just called me... from six flags. i've asked him to take a day off of work so we could do something.. no he says.. work is too important... but his friends said c'mon just don't go to work and it was all good. see where this went?? so i'm pissy. he thinks i'm being crazy. i think he doens't think. he thinks i'm pissed cuz i didn't go... i'm bothered because it just seems like i'm not up there on his list of priorities.

and then he says... we see eachother everyday what more do u want?? well for starters i don't need to see him everyday if all he's gonna do is sit and watch tv. yesterday i asked him if he was gonna talk to me and he said he was too tired... seeing eachother isn't literally looking at one another. so we've decided to not see eachother during the week. which is just fine...

i dont' want to be number one.. but i don't want to be the after thought either which is what it feels like right now. he's taking me for granted already i feel. is that asking for too much?? am i being crazy and unreasonable??

but i guess it's cuz i forget that i'm simply a girlfriend. so i'm just gonna give up. he'll never understand why i'm upset because he never takes time out to actually listen to me. so i'll be simply the chick he sees on the weekends and has sex with... but like i said.. i have a short fuse... i get easily annoyed(which is seriously making me reconsider the whole being with him thing)...

the comeback

2005-05-26T12:59:00.000-07:00

yesterday... after a 6 month absense... mala and i went TERTULIANDO!!!

My beau's friend from college is here for the week and he wanted to go out but something low key... i suggested d'antigua. and although my beau was a little hesitant about going because of the possiblity that we'll run into people he doen'st like and people that i would kill on sight, he decided that it would be low key enough. I of course called mala right away and secured transportation for her. she came with a brand new piece just in case.

of course when we get there everyone was all oh my god i can't believe u guys are back this is great give us ur emails and blah blah blah. mala thought she wouldn't be asked to read but considering that she's the best performer they have of course they let her read.

funny thing. mala and i are crazy. and when we are together we are crazier. i was a little toned down cuz my man was next to me but mala was herself. she had my beau's friend fumbling for words. she freaked him out so much that he didn't know what to do with himself. it was the funniest thing i had seen in a very long time.

it was nice seeing old friends. it was nice going out again with my girl and my beau. and we did see that ecuarockero that we hate. and he said hello to everyone except me. which was just fine... freakin liar. i hate rockeros..

well here's to tertuliando and hoping that i do it again in two weeks...

wedding day bliss... or when did i become a bitch part 2

2005-05-23T16:07:00.000-07:00

so yesterday was the long awaited for wedding day of my oldest friend. Bean and i met in preschool... we were 3. we went to the same grammar school, jr HS and HS.

she's the first one of our group to get married and mala and i were super duper excited.. then she didn't invite our boyfriends... then we were insulted blah blah blah.

so we licked our wounds and went to the wedding. after all she's my oldest friend. and she is one of the only people that i still talk to from back in the day... so mala and i treked to bklyn for the mass. all dressed in our sunday best and with our china chanclas on so our footsies didn't hurt.

the ceremony was very odd. first off they put the wrong time on the invite so people would make it on time. which pissed me off cuz for once i actaully was on time which meant we had to wait. then we saw bean come down the aisle with her mom and dad. she looked so beautiful.

and now i'm not in the mood to write about the wedding anymore.. i'm sure mala will so u can check her blog out. i don't know what happened just wasnt' feeling the writing about the wedding. it was nice.. we had fun... still pissed about the no boyfriend thing cuz her co workers had dates with them.. ew.

anyways. i think i found a job which is good cuz i'm in desperate need of some cash.. the bills are just piling up.

hmm... maybe tomorrow i'll be in the mood to write.. maybenot... give me money and we'll talk.
:0)

My favorite commercial

2005-05-05T16:02:00.000-07:00

there isn't much going on right now.. still out of work and bored most of the day... so let me tell u about my favorite commercial..

It's the ingles en espanol commercial... it's so freakin funny.
a veces se escribe sometimes pero se pronuncia somtaims
aguila se escribe eagle pero se pronuncia igol

i want to get the book just to have a good laugh. I mean the commercial is already providing laughs in between caso cerrado and laura...

wow i just realized i watch way too much tv.

happy cinco de mayo...

I said in MY bed... bitch

2005-04-29T14:30:00.000-07:00

so that whole thing the other day with my beau's ex was really part of another discussion they had... a discussion that by beau forgot to tell me about.

see the saturday before the drama he drops off the baby and she says to him... let's go get a bite to eat so we can talk. let's leave behind all the resentimientos y enojos... he says to her no. that the only thing he wants with her es una relacion de padres. and all they have to talk about is things concerning the baby. anyways he says... i have a girlfriend and it's really not right for u to be asking me these things now.. it's disrespectful... the next week she's going psycho on him...

so i'm pissed.. ok not pissed but bothered.. for two reasons.
1. the crazy bitch did disrespect me when she went after what's mine.. and i can't do anything about it cuz she's crazy and if i step up to her then it will just create more problems for my beau and his daughter... it's not fair but that's what happens when u date a man with a child... the other woman is always there!!
2. he didn't tell me about this till yesterday. maybe he knew it would bother me and that's why he didn't say anything?

i know he doesn't want to go back to her. i know he's happy with me and things are going great. so all i can do is sit and trust him. and keep things going how they are going... going good going strong.. haha.. whatever.

but like i said he's sleeping in my bed now.. let it go bitch. he's mine. for now.

en mi cama

2005-04-27T17:02:00.000-07:00

my beau sleeps over my house all the time. i think it's because at his place it gets lonely.. at my house... he can talk to my parents.. watch ecuavisa and hey i'm here too... but he sleeps on the couch or the guest room cuz he says he doesn't want to disrespect my parents. and then there is that fact that my mother has warned me... no quiero que me metas a otro hombre a mi casa... so i never pushed it...

the other day my beau started complaining of back pain.. the couch was a little too uncomfy. so i tell him to sleep in my bed. i'll sleep on the pull out. he says no.. i insist..he gives in.

yesterday... i convince him to sleep in my bed again. i stay up playing a video game (i'm a gamer.. i'll admit it) my mom comes in and asks me where he is.. esta dormido en mi cama... she tells me.. well where are u gonna sleep.. here on the pull out... that's dumb she says... just sleep with him.

i swear i thought my mother had been body snatched... what came over her? i know she really likes him. but there is a problem.. i know that my mother thinks that he's the one for me... but we've only been going out for 6 months. so her letting me sleep in the same bed with him in her house is a little worrisome for me... because well i'm not gonna marry the guy and maybe she thinks i am and that's why she's ok with it??? or maybe she just wanted me to be comfy?

whatever the reason i slept in my beau's arms yesterday... and i was comfy. till he asked me why i slept in the same bed with him... if my mom was gonna be upset.. i told him that she said it was ok. then he got a worried look on his face... which was quickly replaced with the let's not waste a perfectly good bed face... :0)

so it seems that there is someone other than mala that reads my blog... karma send me a note!!

baby mama drama

2005-04-26T13:07:00.000-07:00

which is to be expected when u have a messy split and a messy divorce on the way... but this bitch is loca just plain loca...

she and my beaus's daughter.. we'll call her boo(as in boo from monster's inc) were supposed to go to orlando last weekend... but they cancelled the trip and since my beau has her on the weekends we decided to take her to the gala with us. he bought her a dress and dressed her at her house... he told boo's aunt that he would bring her back early the next day but the aunt said no.. there won't be anyone here so keep her till late...

my beau took the day off from work the next day and spent the whole day with me and boo... but of course.. nothing is perfect. his cell phone got cut off and apparently boo's mom was calling all day.

when we drop off the baby the woman comes downstairs and starts screaming on my beau(thank god i was in the car and didn't hear anything cuz the bitch would have been in the hospital). she had been looking for him... went to his apartment and called his family members... where was the baby.. cuz he wasn't home.. he tells her the baby was with him.. she screams where were u? none of ur business... the threats and curses start... "the baby has no business sleeping in the same bed u sleep with another woman on"... like i said bitch is crazy... then she says that he has to give up paternity rights.. not gonna happen.. she kept screaming and my beau walked away.

he was upset... he tells me... see i told u my life was complicated... but now ur stuck... i'm not stuck i told him.. i want to be here with u... crazy bitch or no crazy bitch.

i guess i'm just a drama loving freak...

Noche de Gala

2005-04-25T12:20:00.000-07:00

Friday became one of the most stressful days this year. well it's always like that the day of the LUCHA Gala at NYU. I had to run around like a headless chicken doing crap i should have done a long time before. things like getting my haircut and buying clothes for the event. i was in such a hurry i couldn't even wait for mala to come help me at the mall.. so i had my mommy help me pick out stuff...

but i was feeling a little better... cuz my beau called me early in the day and asked me what time i was picking him up. i said oh ur going? of course he said. i bought the baby a new dress and we'll be ready. hehe didn't have to spell it out for him after all.

so i do everything i have to do... my beau ended up coming to my place and getting ready with the baby (she had the cutes little baby blue dress on and pigtails in her hair). he did one of those wow ur beautiful things when i came down from my room...

we got the the event a little late. Mala and the mapucherican was there waiting... her usual punctuality next to my fasionable lateness or chronic lateness?

we danced, we talked the baby stole the show... everyone fell in love with her. everyone in my family met my beau. food ran out which sucked ass but there is always something that goes wrong at this event. so needless to say that we were all hungry... so hungry that on the way home we had to make a pit stop at crown chicken... fo real!

aside from the fact that this day represents such a sad thing i was happy on friday. my best friend was there... my cousin... my beau and his little girl. we had fun... making fun of the mermaid(i'm not kidding there was this chica in a mermaid outfit)...laughing at each other. it was nice. it felt normal. how abnormal is that??

do i have to spell it out for him?

2005-04-21T15:16:00.000-07:00

this friday at NYU the latino group LUCHA is having their annual cultural Gala. My brother was a memeber of the group when he attended NYU before he was killed 13 years ago. So every year at the gala they commemorate his life/death. my whole family goes. For some reason lucha screwed up this year and we got the invites late and stuff. so now a lot of my family can't make it. some have work and other just live too far to travel at such short notice. My Beau found out the same day did. he said he would go. yesterday he tells me that he may not make it because he has to work till late and pick up his daughter. Now i understand that he has to work. but this is really important to me. this is one of the hardest nights for me because i have to relive one of the worst events of my life. i want him there. yesterday he says to me... i have to go right? like it's being forced on him. so i tell him no u don't have to go. so now i don't think he's gonna go. do i have to spell it out to him how i want him there? i mean he should try to be there for me right? and if i tell him then he's gonna feel forced and i don't want to force this on him. boys are dumb.. i hate boys.

spotless minds revisited

2005-04-19T13:49:00.000-07:00

a couple of months ago i wrote a blog entry about the movie eternal sunshine of the spotless mind and how it made me feel... i saw the movie again yesterday at my beau's house and what the fuck was i thinking back then?

maybe it also has to do with the fact that i saw the midget on sunday on the escalators of the 7 train with his new chica. how i started laughing when he turned pale as a ghost when he noticed that i saw him and was going to say hello... and i didn't because although i was tempted to be all overly friendly in front of his girl i didn't think it was worth it. because he wasn't worth it.

see i thought that i was heartbroken cuz he dumped me... but what i was upset about wasn't that he dumped me.. just that i got dumped. i fell in love with the idea of being in love... even though i created something in my head that wasn't really there... it could've been anyone... i would have still been weepy and all please let's try again even though i know we are doomed.

maybe it's cuz i'm with someone new and i'm positive about the way he feels about me. maybe it's cuz things seem to be going forward instead of backwards... maybe because i'm at a point where i want to be with him specifically and not just anyone. and maybe it's because i came to my senses that it's not ok what the midget did... and no matter how nice it was to be with someone the bad things matter too... just as much as the good. and i shouldn't have to settle for a couple of good moments when our whole relationship was just one bad thing.

so it's ok to say ok when it's worth it.. and the midget wasn't... but i am.. cuz i'm cool.. :0)

i got him fired.... 12 years ago

2005-04-16T14:23:00.000-07:00

and i just realized like a month ago.

my 10th yr high school reunion is coming up (not that mala and i are expecting a red carpet to be rolled out for us.. we were the trouble makers). Mala and i have been remembering all the shit we used to do. there are some funny stories. and then i realized.. oh shit... i got our old history teacher fired.

Mr. D was fired for misconduct at the end of our sophmore year. He was accused of being improper with a girl in our school. we never knew who it was (at least i didn't). but we always thought it weird that he would do something like that cuz he seemed like such a chicken shit.

we loved making Mr. D's personal life public... cuz the bruto would tell us... and i was always the one asking. see i had this talent of getting our teachers to go off on tangents and not lecture.. which meant no homework... postponing of tests and such. every teacher had a topic that got them started. mr. d's was his personal life... it usually went like this...

--yo FEA, i didn't do my global hw
-- i got u
my hand would shoot up...
-- mr. d did u go out this weekend? with a woman i mean.
he would answer like a dope. then i would ask where they went what they did... if they had breakfast together the next day...
other teachers knew that he was telling us this stuff. and they didn't like it. the principal didn't like it cuz he was a young man in a school full of horny catholic girls.

one day another student and i were on the staircase. he runs to catch up to us and we start running to get away. He's running up and i turn around and say.. hey ur a teacher u can't do that and started laughing and runnnig up the stairs... right intot the principal... what's going on? nothing just going to class.

so then we all found out that he was being called up before the catholic school board on misconduct. he was fighting it. we heard that he had accosted a girl on the staircase. my friends told me where her locker was. she was also being seen by the couselor in peer groups. we were pissed becasue although he wasn't the best teacher we knew he hadn't done anything.

last month i realized that the principal may have used my little staircase chase to fire him(accosted on the staircase) and i also realized that that locker... was my locker the year before. i was in a peer group. how i didn't realize this then i don't know.

a couple of years later another friend ran into mr. d and he asked how i was doing. i was confused then too.. why would he be asking about me? now i know... he was asking about the girl that got him fired. without even knowing. i was never asked if he had ever done anyting. i was never asked what happened on the staircase.. and i'm sure they never asked the other dozen girls that were there also. but i feel soooo bad. yes he was an idiot for talking about his women in class. and for letting a 14 year old take control of his classroom... he should have asked me to speak on his behalf or something.. but it was said he didn't want to call on any students.

it's fucking funny that 12 years later i feel horrible... i'm an idiot for not realizing then..
oopss.. sorry mr. d.

when did i become so bitchy?

2005-04-11T20:12:00.000-07:00

i mean ... i don't remember being this bitchy.. was i always this bitchy?

this sunday we (mala and I ) went to the bridal shower of one of our old high school friend. I'm already a little pissy because my boyfriend wasn't invited to the wedding(there was a big fat 0 on the response card.

i love going back to the old neighborhood... only in brooklyn will u see a store called good night matress warehouse.. and right underneath it the translation... buenas noches tienda de colchon. or the signs outside a furniture store that say.. discount if you pay cash.. lay away available. it's like breathing a breath of fresh air... till u get to the north side.. then all u get is a whiff of the hipsters having tofu and wheat germ shakes or whatever it is they have... then i gagged

but anyways back to the shower. it was mostly her family. mala and i sat at a table with the bride to be our other high school friend and some of bean's(bride) cousins. across from us were sitting these two chicks. the waiter comes around and asks us for our order. the choices were panfried salmon, chicken marsala and riggatoni in vodka sauce. then the trouble began.... what's panfried asked one girl... the waiter explained (yes he has to explain because even though he said P-A-N-F-R-I-E-D very slowly he was met with blank stares). then... what's chicken marsala. mala and i stepped in to explain. then what's vodka sauce... we saw the next question forming on the girl's lips and we answered before she could get it out IT'S PASTA! then she says.. god all these fancy names!!!

huh??! now i'm not saying that i'm all that.. or anything of the sort but i will say that i couldn't look at the girl for a full 10 minutes. i did't know if i should laugh or feel sorry for her. i mean... who doens't knw what chicken marsala is? fancy words?? panfried? and after all the explanation... the food sucked anyways... go figure.

well i wish the bean all the luck in the world. better u than me...

anyone want to go have some food with fancy names??

i'm a dork... and a jerk too

2005-03-30T16:15:00.000-08:00

yes i realize i may be blowing things way out of proportion. my relationship defunct cousin even pointed it out to me.

see the thing is that i'm not working so i'm bored to tears. and i don't have many friends that are available to me all the time to take some of my boredom away. (sorry mala... but ur the only one) add to that the fact that i've been seeing my beau everyday since i got back from ecuador that i freak when he's not available to me 24 hrs a day. god forbid he has work to do right?

i realized today... the boy cares about me. he gives me advice. he's helping me get rid of some debt(i'm paying the debt he's being back up... he's the man with the plan). he listens to me (like really listens not just pretends to). he makes plans with me for down the road(not like wedding plans... we've only been together 4months... people please) so if he really didn't care why would he waste his time doing these things.

i've been making his life harder. when i should be making things easier. demanding he be here all the time. it's not his fault i'm out of work. it's not his fault i'm bored. it's not his fault i'm insecure. so i should stop the phone calls and the annoying habit of feeling rejected if he can't drop everyting for me. cuz i'll just end up pushing him away. and i have to stop with the attitude when he says he can't sleep over... stop trying to make him feel guilty cuz well he isn't doing anything wrong.

i mean relationships are not supposed to be easy.. otherwise people would just stay together no?? but why am i adding more obstacles in our way? i'm only gonna end up pushing him away. so i have to start making my brain work in a healthy non-total dependant way. damn... that's gonna take some work.

trust issues

2005-03-28T14:42:00.000-08:00

we both have them. i have a problem trusting him and he has a problem trusting me and always thinks i'm accusing him of something.

he's been traumatized by his ex. she never trusted him. so he thinks everytime i ask him where he is or what he's gonna do that day he thinks i'm trying to control him and not let him do what he wants. so he gets pissy at me and defensive. he doesn't realize that this behavior is what makes me not trust him. it makes it seem like he has something to hide. so now i have a problem trusting him. because how i see it... i'm just asking cuz i want to know. it has nothing to do with control or trust. i just want to know what my boyfriend is gonna be doing. but now... everything he starts with the i'm going out or i have stuff to do... i wonder why he's not giving me straight answers. it makes me feel like he's hiding something. he's making me the very thing he's accusing me of.

so i did a bad thing....

he leaves his computer at my house all the time. and cuz it's so much shineier and newer than mine i'm always on it playing videos games and stuff. so when i noticed that i was getting internet connection via his wireless thingy(whatever it's called) i decided to go online. and i swear it was by accident that i hit the history button(cuz it looks like the refresh button really). but once i hit it instead of just going on and checking my mail i looked and started checking the websites he had vistited. he had visited tons of websites and one caught my attention. he had visited a chat site. and i freaked. is he talking to other chicas? is he flirting with girls? we had never talked about chatting and the boundaries of it. i have a lot of chat buddies but we they are just buddies. but i didn't even know if it bothered him. so... instead of telling him that i saw his history i brought up the subject... well actaully he brought it up. he said that he hadn't chatted with anyone... and we agreed that flirting was a way of being unfaithful.... but since i knew that he had gone to that chat site i thought he was not telling the truth.

so i had to come clean. which i'm glad i did cuz he explained and i realized i had jumped to conclusions.... but it also showed him that i didn't trust him... and since then things have gottne worse. now he's super defensive when i call him and ask what he's up to. and cuz he's so defensive i think he's hiding something. the thing is that i love this boy. and i know that he loves me too. i also know that he wouldn't cheat on me. but i'm scared.... i'm scared because i don't want to get hurt again. now we are fighting more and i don't know if it's cuz of the strain of the trust issues or because i'm making prolbmes to make the inevitable hurt easier to handle. does that make sense or am i just freakin out? this is so not cool... i care about him so much. but i feel like we are heading towards the end. and i feel like it's my fault. at least partly because i didn't trust him. *sarg... long winded entry... i need to take a break... this is helping but i need a break...

La Maricusa

2005-03-14T12:57:00.000-08:00

that was my grandma's nickname. don't ask me why. i have never gotten the answer to that question. that's just what they called her.

she was one of the oldest in a family of 6 sisters and two brothers. she was born in 1914. she married and had two daughters. her husband's family never really accepted her because they thought the minute amount of italian blood running through their veins was too good for her. my grandfather left her to go to the merchant marines. he left her poor with two daughters to raise. he never sent money. he made a new family in panama. his daughters had to live in bad conditions with cousins and aunts. sleep on floors in packed apartments. my grandmother had to work hard just to get butter so they could have something with their morning bread. then he came back. and she took him back. his daughters resented him. my grandmother did not. they were together again and she loved him.

her daughters married. one came to the US and the other stayed behind. my mother worked on my grandparents papers and brought them to live in our brooklyn apartment. my grandmother cooked and cared for us and was a nanny to some of our neighbors. she always had a smile for everyone. but please don't interrupt her novelas or her praying. then the projectile chancla would shoot out with perfect aim no matter how fast u ran. at times my brothers and i would do it on purpose just to see her chancla cut corners. she knew and would laugh.

my grandparents eventually moved back to el ecua and lived with my aunt. we got to see them every summer. then less and less as we got older. i hadn't seen her in 6 years.

about a year ago she was diagnosed with lung cancer. my grandfather was a smoker. we never told her what she had. because we knew it would destory her. she was too old to undergo treatment and was just made comfortable. she never lost her will to live.

two weeks ago i made a trip to ecuador. a trip i didn't want to make. i had to say goodbye to my grandmother. when she saw me she started crying. she couldn't believe i was there. she was so thin.

she still insisted on going to the bathroom and would not hear of wearing diapers. we would wake up at find her already sitting on the couch on some mornings. one morning we found her downstairs in full makeup -- just in case someone came by. she noticed everything. when family would come to visit she would recognize everyone and give my aunt a dirty look if she wasn't quick enough to offer drink or food.

then all the sudden. she couldn't get up anymore. we called the doctor and he said it would be soon. we all tried to hide our tears and told her she was going to be fine. her main concern was that she was being too much trouble and apologized to me for ruining my vacation. she would scream at times.."no mama todavia no".

we called a priest and told her he was a doctor so she wouldn't get scared. although she couldn't hear she knew who he was. she told us she was terrified. when she learned the doctor really was coming she told my mom to brush her silver hair and put perfume on her. that night she named everyone in our family. all of us... she said she didn't want to forget anyone. she named people she hadn't seen in years. she didn't miss anyone.

before bed that night as i was saying goodnight to her she said to me.."dios te bendiga mi'jita". those were her last words to me. the next day she slipped into a coma. she took off her oxygen as she slept.

as i prepared to get on my flight i cried. i didn't want to see her like that anymore but it felt wrong to leave. when i left i went to my grandmother and kissed her on her forehead. i swear she tried to open her eyes.

when i got home my dad tells me that my maricusa died as my plane was taking off. she died in my mother's arms.

she was a good woman. always happy and with unshakable faith. she loved all of her family unconditionally and never held a grudge against anyone. she was so proud of us all. i hope i can be half the woman she was.

i miss her.

i'm bored

2005-02-11T16:45:00.000-08:00

i have nothing to do. I have no job and don't have to tutor today. so i'm home waiting for the boyfriend to get home so that we can do something. pick up his daughter and be happy family?? i'm so bored i'm becoming deluded.

looking forward to the heffalump movie. really i;m a huge pooh fan... cuz i still havn't grown up. cuz i really don't want to. thank god i can use the baby as an excuse to go see the movie. hehe..

swarthy seems to be the word of the week... as in us latinas.. swarthy motherfuckers. apparently the word means dark... i thought it meant icky dirty and stuff... see mala for more info.

i'm rambling - i know. hmmm.. i just realized how depressing my playlist is... right now it's chayanne(he's always depressing). sentada aqui en mi alma.. en mis ojos.. blah blah blah.. the video is him and his "daughter" going to his "wife's" grave.. depressing shit... thank god his cute butt makes up for the depression.

what else?? i'm going to el ecua on the 24th. not looking forward to it. my grandma being all bad it's not a happy occasion ya know?

now i'm listening to the depressing rosas by oreja...
now... tardes negras by tiziano ferro...

i sound like my buddy with the playlists and the rambling.

i need to get rid of my dog.. which reminds me that i have to call northshore to see if they'll take him... anybody want a 5 yr old shepard/collie mix? he's really cute... he's a good dog.. just needs more attention than i can offer him... c'mon... take him. TAKE HIM

oo my beau is here.. later

pregnant exes

2005-02-10T13:14:00.000-08:00

my exes wife is pregnant. this is the woman he left me for. good for them... bad for me

see... i always knew that it would be easy for me to have kids... (i have polycystic ovaries... look it up). and after my ex had chemo and radiation for over a year we thought it would be impossible to have kids... but now i see that the reason i never got pregnant after 8 years of unprotected sex is cuz of me... not the chemo/radiated penis but my fucked up ovaries.

and there has been a huge amount of baby talk with my beau... not cuz we want one but because he terrified that we'll get one hell of a surprise. no, he doens't have anything to worry about. i don't want kids right now. i'm too young still... but i do want kids someday. and the thought that this may never happen is breaking my heart.

i guess i should be glad that i never had kids with that guy. maybe things happen for a reason and i shouldn't let this get me down... keep hope alive? i'll have kids when i'm ready even if it means adopting or just taking one from the maternity ward... i mean they are small packages... easy to get away with no?? hmm... yeah .. i'll worry about this when i'm baby ready... right now i have a trip to el ecua to plan.. so much shopping to do!!!

i hate waiting

2005-02-08T17:25:00.000-08:00

i'm waiting at my student's house for her to get home so i can give her her lesson and be out. i want to just leave. not my fault she's not here right? i mean i was on time. i even called before i got on the train and told them exactly what time i was gonna be here... then when i get here i have to wait outside for about 20 minutes when one of the kids gets here... he calls his mother to see where his sister is and she calmly tells him that they are getting their nails done. i'm pissed. so why am i still here? cuz i'm an idiot pushover. i'm giving them till the end of this post to show up or i'm out of here. I HATE WAITING!!!!

oh they are home.. lucky bitch...
later
FEA

it's been a while

2005-02-02T16:06:00.001-08:00

since i've written in this blog. not that anyone is complaining i'm sure.

let's see.. things are going well with the boyfriend. he met mala this weekend.. FINALLY. since i havn't been going out i made her come over to his place. i was feeling crappy so i didn't partake in the wine drinking.. :( she says he seems nice and he's cute (much to her relief cuz she didn't know what to expect)... but that he has a machista flair... and that i'm not my normal lunatic self around him... that i'm too reserved. i'm a lunatic around him... i am. i'm a lunatic around everyone!!! i think. arg

so i'm going to el ecua later this month to visit my ailing grandma. and i'm worried. cuz i have this feeling that when i get back i'll be single again. not that this fear is gonna keep me from doing this trip. i have to say goodbye to my abuelita. maybe it's cuz the last time the guy i was with went on a two week vacation he came back in love with his cousin. and the fact that i know my beau doesn't trust me... i'm thinking about it too much right? what will be will be no? arg...

now i dont' feel like writing... oh my boyfriend met my brother too... he's met most of my people. and when i go to el ecua he wants me to go meet his family.. isn't that gonna be weird without him? at least he wants me to meet his family right?

the drama continues....

2005-01-19T02:00:00.000-08:00

so he heard something else about that infamous night that got him all "we should end this" again. well not again... this is the first time he's said this but it got him all jealous i can't trust you like.

it has to do with el ecuarockero again. he was told that i was caressing his chest and opening his shirt. that when asked if i was a sex addict i nodded my head in agreement. never happened. at least not that i can remember.

and that's the problem. that i'm not even sure myself. i had much to drink that night and don't remember much. i do remember being called into the kitchen... and talking to el ecuarockero and others there. i remember the conversation... how he told me that he didn't understand why i was with my beau and how i defended our relationship. i remember jabbing my finger at his chest when he told me to be careful... i remember telling him to shut up cuz i was happy. i remember going downstairs with el psycho boli and smoking a cig while i told him that i was glad we didnt' work out cuz i was with someone worth it. i remember all that but i don't remember caressing anyone's chest and saying i was a sex addict (i like sex but i'm no where near an addict).

so i'm a little upset to say the least. upset because i thought the whole weekend was behind us. i thought that we were moving on... sure with a little less trust but moving on nonetheless. but apparently the weekend is very much in the forefront of his thoughts. i dont' know if people are saying this shit about me on purpose to break us up or if there is some truth to it. i'm almost positive that this didn't happen.

so he doesn't trust me now. i'm sad.

jerky

2005-01-18T02:34:00.000-08:00

so what is it with men and the word jerk?? to me it's not a big deal word. jerk... ur a jerk... stop being a jerk... see no big deal.

I called my beau a jerk yesterday. he had stamped my forehead and then said to me.. oh my god it looks like the sign of the beast(you dont' say that to an extremely religious person... especially if ur an extremely relgious person and know what those words mean...) so i say oh my god.. ur such a jerk. and then i see the impact my words have on him. he stays quiet and just walks over to the sink get a rag and wipes my face without saying a word to me. i ask him what's wrong.. and he says.. i can't believe u called me a jerk.

later in the car i tell him that i don't see the big deal and he says.. what if i called u a bitch?? it's not the same thing!! jerk and bitch are not the same!! are they?

i asked another guy friend (ex crush) and he tells me that jerk and asshole are the same.. THEY ARE?? so he understands why my beau was bothered (not pissed but bothered). but jerky is ok. cuz that means silly.. jerky?? um.. ok.

he called me the anticrist/devil incarnate and i called him a jerk... no es pa tanto no?? or does jerk mean asshole?? is it that big of a deal?

no se..

later jerks... :0)

normalcy

2005-01-14T13:14:00.000-08:00

is normalcy a word?? hmm.. well it is now.

I went to my beau's house on wednesday... i was nervous. i didn't know if it would just be a continuation of the fights and accusations i had been hearing all week. i knock on his door a little hesitantly... he opens it... give me his big flashy smile and a huge hug. he was his normal self with the jokes. every once in a while when i went to kiss him he would joke.. no ur on punishment.. laugh and then kiss me.

I wasn't planning on staying over but it jus ended up working out that way. bus strike and being too tired to drive we snuggled up in bed and doozed off. in the morning he dropped me off (not where i wanted to be dropped off but whatever..). he calls me at work and says that he needs me to look something up on the internet. ok i say.. then he says on second thought i'll just over your house later.. is that ok? two nights in a row... so much for giving each other space...

he comes over we talk, laugh have dinner together and start a 1000 piece puzzle (i'm nerdy like that and so is he.. hehe). He starts getting tired and i tell him that if he's gonna drive he should go... he tells me this is why i don't like coming here during the week... i don't want to leave and then i'm so tired driving. he gives me a kiss and hug goodbye and tells me he'll see me today .

i like normal...

it wasn't paranoia

2005-01-12T02:00:00.000-08:00

so i was right in thinking that not everything was ok bet. me and my beau...

i call him tonight to chat for a bit.. and he interrupts my hellos with "ok let's get right to the point". my heart skips a beat thinking oh no here it comes.. and over the phone too... when he asks me the last thing i ever thought he would ask. he asks me if i ever slept with el ecuarockero... what??!! well apparently that is what this asshole has been saying.. to everyone. by beau said that he couldn't remember something that had been bothering him that night.. and well... it finally came to him.. he actually overheard the asshole saying to everyone there that he had slept with me.

yes we kissed... but that's it!! i never slept with that jerk ... not after he was so flakey with me... what was upsetting my beau was the fact that he thought i had lied to him about my relationship(what relationship??) with this fat fuck. it got me upset that i had to once again tell him that no i didn't sleep with him...

then my beau asked me if i liked his cousin... cuz of an incident earlier in our relationship with his cousin(i lifted his cousin's shirt so a friend could admire it.. not the shirt... his cousins chest.. not that impressive btw) and cuz i let his cousin sit on my lap on saturday...after the hair incident. I actaully think his cousin is a bit sleezy... don't like him at all... how could i when i'm with the person i want. ni se comparan...

he said that he felt wrong... se siente mal... esto no esta bien. que me quiere pero no se siente bien. he doesnt' trust me now. so he was never over it.

so apparently everyone thinks i'm a whore. even at d'antigua... he said that people have said about me and mala.. give them a drink.. see what u can get.

and he believed them. which hurt me. he says he doens't want to hang out with those people again... but if i want to go.. go ahead. how can i?? i see that asshole i'm gonna go crazy on his ass... i will try to kill him. he deliberately tried to ruin a good thing that i have because se quedo picado... i hate them... because of them things are rocky with my boyfriend. he said to give him time to get over things... that it will pass... things seemed to get more to normal by the end of the convo... we may be seeing each other tomorrow bus strike willing.. and this weekend he mentioned going out(i'm sure not to la kueva).

so i cried again tonight for the 3rd night in a row. i feel like my heart is breaking. i love this boy.

so i dont' think i'll be going tertuliando tonight.. otherwise there may be a homicide... but then again there will be one less coke addict in the world.. asshole

paranoia sets in

2005-01-11T18:50:00.000-08:00

ok so he says that he's not pissed at me anymore. that he told me that on sunday when we talked about it... que me quede tranquila...and yet... i've barely spoken to him in the past two days. he says he's too busy to see me. i actually heard a tone when he said this to me today.. so is the tone really there or am i just hearing it cuz i'm being paranoid pirate.. *parg??

on friday... before the hair touching incident. i went by his place to drop off liscense plates i was so kind enough to take half day from work to go get them for him so he didn't have to... he asks me after our hello.. are you going out today.. no i say why? oh cuz i'm gonna go out with the guys.. ok so go... those were my words. not oh come on now it's friday night... we have to be together!!!! it was a not even think about it ok go have fun... so then why did he see the need to add... es que nos hemos visto tanto estos dias... why say that? i didn't need a reason. just go.. but now that u gave me one.. i'm pissed.. cuz there was no need. so we talk about it. and we agree that we do see each other a lot and that it's good that we go out on our own with our friends. because we don't want to get sick of each other. because we want to keep the relationship fresh and it's good to miss each other. ok great.

fast forward to monday after the hair fiasco... the fight not the fact that el bartender's hair looks like shit...

he tells me he can't see me cuz he has stuff to do.. fine i was feeling crappy and sleepy due to some allergy pills... we talk for about 20 min. i dooze off... he does his shit...

tuesday.. this morning. i call to say hello. he does't pick up. i call again about an hour later.. he doens't pick up. so i go a little fatal attraction like and block my number.. oh look. he picked up!!! he says he's buying supplies for a job and can't talk but will call me back when he's done.

he calls back about 30 minutes later and we are chatting. then i ask if we were gonna see each other today. no he says. i still have a lot of things to do. tomorrow.. i say tomorrow is the tertulia and u don't want to go. well i can't see u today... i have stuff to do that i let get behind because i was seeing you so much. but if you want me to get bored with you then we can see each other as much as you want... i just know i won't get my stuff done if you are here.... now.. did you hear a tone there?? i tell him that he's different with me and that i think he's still pissed at me cuz of saturday.. he then gets mad and says.. stop talking about it. i'm over it.. you should be too. this has nothing to do with saturday. it has everything to do with the fact that i have things i need to do for work and at home. things will get back to normal.. u just have to let it go...

so i still think he's being different... is it just me??

how bout when i just called him to tell him that a package for him came... i called him on his house phone and he asked me why are u calling me on this phone instead of my cell phone?? what difference does it make?? maybe cuz on his cell phone he can see it's me and won't pick it up?? or maybe it's what he told me that sometimes he doens't pick it up cuz it's bill collectors... but he did pick it up... and it was me. so what's the big deal??

parg... i'm afraid i am being all crazy paranoid. but that's me high strung... how long do i wait for things to get back to normal.. or at least for things to sound back to normal to me??
i don't like this paranoid thing.. cuz it makes me sad...

first fight of the year

2005-01-10T13:32:00.000-08:00

the first fight of the year. it sucks. and i'm sad.

so on saturday we went to la kueva after almost a month of not going to celebrate the birthday of el moreno. we were supposed to go to dinner at el morneo's house but we got caught up in a game of scrabble. we had so much fun. we had dinner with my parents instead. he fixed my bathroom... it was a start to a wonderful evening. then things got screwed up...

he hates going to la kueva... especially when he has a girlfriend. but we went cuz of his friend. we get there before everyone and say our hellos to the other regulars. i see el bartender and his crazy new hair style... i have my drinks. (wine of course) he has his. he mentions to el trompito that we've made 2 months.. and that i've bewitched him. we are playful and cuddly ... then i make the mistake of touching el bartender's hair. i made a very big mistake.

he was upset. he was livid actually. said that he didn't want any girl of his touching other guys. i didn't really see the big deal about it.. till he said.. what if i did the same thing?? he's right it would piss me off... so because of this he's having trust issues with me now. and i'm upset. because i'm falling hard for this boy. really hard. i dont want to lose him. he's a good guy. he really is.

so i guess this is what happens when u get into a realationship.. u give give what u can knowing it's a gamble. and it can all get fucked up for an innocent action. and innocent action that to someone else is anything but.

i'm sad. very very sad.

worst and best of 2004

2004-12-31T10:11:00.000-08:00

i could write ad nauseum about how my mother is driving me crazy... (she wants me to be happy but on her terms... she actually said that to me!)... but since i want to keep things nice and light for the new year i'm gonna jump on the bandwagon and make a list of my worst and best moments of 2004.... cuz i want to be just like mala.. don't u know that by now???

Best new discovery of 2004:
La kueva... why??? made new friends... met my current love there and moved my culo like it was the last day on earth...

Worst discovery of 2004:
Midgets... stay away from them i swear!!!

Best musical find of 2004:
La Oreja de Van Gogh.... i'm killing the live cd i have.. then seeing them live in concert... oh wait.. then there was cafe tacuba... saw them live too.. and they were unreal... sorry oreja.. cafe tacuba wins.... QUE VIVA MEXICO!!!!

Best vacation of 2004:
Well the only one i had but i fell in love with San Fran earlier this year... much thanks to my best bud canvasfly for providing the tix and lodging...

Best Compliment of 2004:
No te falta nada como mujer... that was said by the ecuarockero's best friend

Best fight of 2004:
Memorial day when all hell broke loose at my casa... fighting with mala... then with my parents.. then having the midget leave and break up with me(the first time)... not sleeping and going straight to work.. then realizing i left my keys at home and having to break into the house...

Worst fight of 2004:
Fighting with mala over the psycho boli... it wasn't worth it.

Best love interest:
El de la Plumita... i'm falling in love with this boy. although i have to find a new name for him cuz he doesn't like this one... have i mentioned how happy this boy makes me??

Worst love interest:
It's between the midget and the psycho boli.
Midget boy broke up with me about 4 times... and made me all crazy again with the self esteem crap...
Psycho boli called me a whore when i decided i didn't want to be with him...
I call it a tie.. they are both dicks

Best epiphany:
Realizing that i was happy alone. that i didn't need a man to validate me or complete me...
funny how about 2 weeks later i met plumitaboy... aint't that the shit??

Worst epiphany:
can an epiphany be bad?? i don't think so... i think anytime u realize something about urself or anything it's something good... i guess something i realized that i didn't like was that i stayed with someone for 8 years and i didn't love him... it said a lot about me... it made me change the way i think about certain things... see... it wasn't bad at all.. sad but not bad..

funniest moment:
falling on my face on the BLVD of DEATH... my knees will never be the same... and i really never want to see the street that close up again... how one friend so eloquently put it... me parti la jeta... lol

Sadest moment:
Learning that my best friend is moving to California... and telling her it was a good idea. i couldn've been the selfish friend and told her to stay... but i couldn't... because this could be the best thing that has happened to her... it's hard to let go, but i have to.

And for the new year....
Happiness... for me and everyone i love. Que dios los bendiga en este nuevo a~no. Que todos sus deseos se hagan realidad... Thanks for spending time in my corner... i'll see all three of u next year... arg :0)

meet the parents

2004-12-21T11:15:00.000-08:00

i'm still sick so i dont' know how much sense this entry will make... i fell like shit that has been trampled on by a marathon of runners... mmm yummy..

so on wednesday after work i'm home on my couch... feeling miserable. when my beau calls me. he asks how i'm doing and what i'm taking.. taking?? nothing. i'm coming with meds and juice he says. so i mention to my mother that he's coming to drop stuff off and she says "is he coming in?" i say no cuz ur here... ask him to come in... i'll be nice.. sure sure

so he comes in after i assure him he'll be safe from the ogre (my mom.. yes i know it's not nice to call my mom that... but really u don't know her like i do). he comes in and i introduce... and she gives him the classic scowl... really i assure him she does that to everyone(she does). so he's uncomfy but still is cuddly with me... when she's not around. we watch my fav movie vanilla sky and everything is cool....

he's about to leave. he's trying to make sure he leaves before my dad comes home.. one parent a night is enough .... but as he's leaving guess who's coming up my walkway?? i introduce and my dad doesn't even shake his hand. later my father tries to tell me he didn't realize or something... sure sure...

so it went well....yes it did. i expected my parents to be much worse... of course to him it went terrible. but i don't think it could've gone any better with those two. now instead of calling him that man or whatever.. they say tu enamorado... see... baby steps... baby steps

i finally did get that sushi... and it was with my man... too bad i couldn't really taste it... arg

nose boogies and dioxyn

2004-12-15T14:41:00.000-08:00

so i'm sick. i mean really sick. this is what happens when u refuse to take medicines. when u think ur immune system is strong enough to fight the illness off without the help of drugs. now i wish i had those drugs.. lots and lots of them. it's not so much the cold that has me all icky. it's also the allergy i had to god knows what.... the allergy was so bad i looked like i had a party with some dioxyn... fo'real.

my mother called me a puta this weekend. then she apologized this morning. she seems to be accepting the fact that i have a boyfriend now. or she's just getting ready for the insults for next week when i spend the weekend at his place. who knows... not getting my hopes up. u never can tell with my mother.

xmas and new year's is coming up... too bad i have to work on both days. i really need to get rid of one of my jobs... is 3 too much?? and if u think it is... will u pay my bills??

havn't been to la kueva in about 2 weeks. think i'm gonna go this week cuz i need to shake some booty... unless i'm coughing up a lung still.. if so then i'll be cuddling with my beau.

made me dinner last night. made me tea. drove me around. doesn't want me to get any sicker. still thought i was beautiful even with the dioxyn face. sigh...

my head is foggy. it's all loopy and i feel like i have straw in my throat. nice dry straw that makes me cough and my chest hurt like hell...

havn't smoked in more than a week. i need a cig... but my chest may cry.. and then seek vengence on me... damn chest.

still have to do xmas shopping. but it's so very cold out there... is it too late to order everything online??

threw out all the pics of bigfatpoopie head. cut him out of the ones i looked especailly yummy in. maybe i'll make a collage of yummy pics of myself...

all i wanna do is eat some sushi... just eat sushi.. that'll make me feel better.. eat sushi with my man..is that too much to ask...

arg... *cough cough

when the cats away

2004-12-08T10:33:00.000-08:00

my mother is in PA taking care of my nephew. that means a week that i don't have to hear the nagging... the criticism... the accusations. it's nice. it also means an opportunity for my boy to come over to my house.

monday night i make him dinner. but he's a nervous wreck that my father will come home and be pissed that he's there. he says to me.. i understand why ur parents are so aprehensive about u dating people. u've been through a lot with ur past boyfriends. so let's wait for them to get used to the idea and then i'll meet them. he asked a lot of questions about bigfatpoopiehead. wanted to make sure that i was over him (been over that fuck for a while). he asked me why i still had pictures of him... then said to me... si algun dia eres me esposa, u have to get rid of those. algun dia is a long ways from now... but it made me start thinking.. why do i have pics of the breasted one?? he asked me what i wanted from a guy. and i said i want to be happy. he asks me that's it?? that's it i say? that's a lot. what about respect and love and those things?? if i don't have those things.. then i won't be happy... happiness is dependent on all those things.. so that's what i want.. to be happy.

tuesday he picked me up from my tutoring job. my boss/girlfriend made him come inside so she could show off her shiney brand new house. my girl has a habit of showing off and flaunting her money in people's faces. he handled her nicely. didn't give her a chance to start her "this is italian marble... venetian plaster'... he even told her how to care for some of the stuff. he shut her up... it was brilliant. lol

he took me home.. i cooked dinner for my father and then left. we went back to his small apartment when he asked me si lo queria... i said yes. estas enamorada de mi?? si... do i make u happy? yes... i'm happy too... yo tambien te quiero.

he drove me to work this morning. i don't think i'm seeing him today... who knows. he doens't want me to get sick of him. right now i can't get enough of him. i'm happy...

happy birfday

2004-12-08T10:30:00.000-08:00

Happy birthday to my cousin and faithful reader. ur 27 now.. time to grow up kid. love u and all that jazz... ur a pain in my ass pero que se puede hacer?? we're related... have a good one.
muah :0)

so i hear ur dating someone...

2004-12-06T14:09:00.000-08:00

so it begins. my mother telling everyone i'm dating a boy... and putting her spin on the situation before i get a chance to show him off. u know telling everyone all his drawbacks before they have a chance to find out for themselves. to create an impression.. a bad one so that i find myself alone .. on the "wrong" side. she's done this before. she did this when i started dating midget boy. told everyone how he was an indio from the mountains of ecuador... serrano... not good enough for this city girl. so yes she's trying to do it again.

my aunt called me yesterday out of the blue. I used to be much closer to her when i lived down the block and still to this day when something big happens she's the first to call... to get the gossip. she means well. and i enjoy talking to her. but i found it a little strange that she called me yesterday cuz i had no gossip to share. so after about 15 minutes of how are yous and how's the family... she finally asks... so ur dating someone? i laugh. oh so that's why u called me?? no no i missed u.. sure. yes i am dating someone. he's ecua from el guayas and he's nice and things are going well. she asks for his last name.. as final proof that he's really a city boy... and i give it to her. and she says to me(and this is why i love her) well... at least he's ecua... u cant' stay single forever like ur mother wants u to.

why is it that she wants me to be single? why is it that every boy i bring home or start seeing she finds something wrong with them??? with this boy she hates the fact that he's divorcing and has a child(she asked me straight out and i wasn't going to lie even though it's none of her business). she says... ya ha tenido fracaso... que esperas de el?? hello... ur the same woman that tells ME ya has tenido fracaso... que mas quieres??? so having a failed relationship takes away all my right to try to be happy. to try to find something that will work. NO!!! i'm not going to become one of those bitter women that hate all men and will stay single living with 21 cats... unless i don't find anyone worth it... unless i'm meant to be alone.. but that doesn't mean i'm just gonna roll over and die... not even try.

on that note... update on the whole where is this shit going thing. we are in a "relationship" but because he has baby mama drama he wants us to be careful because he cares about me so much he doens't want me to get hurt. so we are in a "relationship"... does that mean i'm his "girl" and he's my "man"?? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN??? arg... lol

the first arg...

2004-12-01T16:34:00.000-08:00

ok so our first fight made me go arg for about 2 seconds but this is a real arg...

yesterday we spent a nice evening together.. i bought him sushi.. the first dinner i've bought him. i bought him medicine and when i tell him i have to leave he says... no please stay with me.. i dont' want u to leave and u don't want to leave either. ok so i stay... next morning he drives me to work. everything is fine and dandy.. he texts me maybe an hour after i'm here to ask how i am. he tells me he'll pick me up later. i say ok.

i get a call from my girl/boss that she needs me to tutor her teenage sone today. no prob... gives me a bit extra money for xmas... so i text him telling him i have to work today. he texts me back..."then go".

ok maybe i'm overly sensitive.. but it seemed to me he was just brushing me off.. como si le daba lo mismo verme o no... right? so i tell him... "i thought u were gonna pick me up. U sound like u are brushing me off." he has a habit of doing this. of making me feel like seeing me or not seeing me makes no difference to him. that 's one of the reasons that i'm so insecure about this whole thing. Does he like me as much as i like him? or does it make no difference to him.

he callled... and he was pissed. why do u say i'm brushing u off? he asks. he sound incredibly sexy when he speaks to me in english but i heard the anger in his voice. i'm not brushing u off.. u have to understand that i'm working and i have to write fast. i tell him that the text made me feel that way and i must have misunderstood. he tells me that it's texting... feelings cannot be conveyed. he understands that i have responsibilities to my students and just wanted to tell me that is was fine for me to go.. and as far as him picking me up... if he said he would then he would. he then says that i made him feel like i thought he was treating me like shit. he then goes on to say... i'm making time for u during the week. i'm not seeing and don't want to see anybody else... before u i didn't want to be with anyone. so i'm not brushing u off. let's not make problems where there are none.

ok so he's not brushing me off. but... that doesnt' change the fact that it's how he made me feel. so i tell him that i'm not trying to say he treats me like shit.. on the contrary.. he treats me very well... but... at that instant i did feel "brushed off". he didn't mean it that way and that's fine thanks for the clarification... pero... it's not the first time. he has this thing that he wants to make sure i know that i'm free to do what i want... that's great.. but sometimes a girl wants to hear the dissappointment ya know??? maybe i'm over sensitive cuz i'm not sure of his feelings... but damn it, it was how i felt. and i'm not gonna stop telling him how it feels when he says stuff like that. i refuse to keep it inside... so AAAAAARRRRRRRRGGGGGG

225 minutes

2004-11-30T13:14:00.000-08:00

that's how long we spoke on the phone last night. almost 4 hours. i haven't laughed that much in a very long time. we could've kept talking all night. but we had work.. and i had to walk my freakin dog. he said he liked talking to me. we tired to say good night i think about 2 times but quickly got into other conversations. i think he's finally getting to see the "me" i was worried about him knowing.

he did say he still wasn't ready to go to my home... the parents being there or not. give him time he says.

things seem to be progressing nicely. i think he likes me as much as i like him? i'm still iffy on that cuz well i refuse to open my mouth and ask. cuz i'm still afraid of what he will say...but i'm confident that it won't be bad.. i'm confident that he likes me too.. :0)
hehe i'm giddy

First fight and birthday bliss

2004-11-29T13:06:00.000-08:00

well not a fight... more like an argument. all because we don't know our boundaries yet. all because we haven't talked about what "this" is. all is well again so i don't know if i should retell the story here... leave it in the past? well the bottom line is that we made each other feel like nothing... he even said to me.. porque te reclamo si no soy nadie para ti. i was crushed.. and him telling me that made me feel like nothing. then later in the car we talk it out. it was strange how i didn't get all crazy and dramatic. i remained calm. he remained calm and we actually had a discussion about it. no screaming or hurtful words like i'm used to. no tears. it was a small misunderstanding/disagreement. but in the past with bigfatpoopiehead for example... small disagreements always became relationship altering wars. it was nice to actually be able to tell someone my feelings... listening to theirs and then be able to move on without hating each other a little more. i was nervous after the small tiff.. i didn't know if things would change between us. and they didn't.

so it's settled.. we are "dating/seeing" each other. We both know that things will progress. we spend every weekend with each other. it was his birthday this friday and we all met up at el Guitarista's house for dinner. ElDeLaPlumita made a lasagna. I met his daughter. she's beautiful. i spent a lot of time with her while her daddy cooked. and i got to see him get all paternal later on. he's great with her. and she adores her father. we all slept over... his daughter on the air bed and the two of us cuddling on the sofa.

next day we met up again to go to the batcave to celebrate with another group of his friends. we danced.. drank and went home exhausted. that didn't stop us from celebrating some more when we got home. needless to say i'm still tired.. and my body hurts... on sunday we went to target together. it felt comfy just spending sunday with him roaming my fav. store(it's my fav because when bigfatpoopiehead was sick my only means of escape was going there for a couple of hours.. my sanity is owed to target)

he dropped me off at home later on that night. i ran in to my house and got the food i had brought him from thanksgiving dinner at my brother's (he had never had Filipino food so i brought him some yummies) and brought down his presents (a book he had mentioned he wanted to read and a mobster dvd... see i pay attention). we talked again last night and we mentioned he loved my gifts and loved the food. we've been texting each other all day... have i said how much i like this kid??

no one should be alone on turkey day

2004-11-24T11:42:00.000-08:00

but ElDeLaPlumita will be. the plans he had with a friend fell through. so he'll be going it solo this year. he explained to me that it's not the first thanksgiving or holiday that he has spent alone... and that makes me a little sad. i invited him to come to the poconos with me... not as my man or anything but as a friend so he wouldn't be alone. but he declined saying that he would feel uncomfortable and like an intruder. now look i'm not saying my family is normal in any way... but i know that he would be welcomed in my brother's home like an old friend. yes, my brother would probably embarrass me and maybe even him.. but that's just cuz he's an asshole. he's my brother so i can call him that.

he says he doens't want to meet my parents like that. ok... does that mean he does want to meet my parents?? he then said something like.. ur brother is gonna be like oh so ur the guy my sister is dating... ok.. that's gives a little definition to our situation. then when we were talking about something else he goes.."te digo esto como pana..." so now i'm his buddy?? arg he did bring up psycho boli which is getting a little annoying... i didn't like that guy all that much... i like ElDeLaPlumita!!!

mala warned me yesterday that the situation with his soon to be exwife is gonna be difficult. that i have to figure out if i can deal with that drama. so i guess i found an except. it sucks becuase this except is an outside problem that is affecting him. it's someone else's except that is getting in the way. can i deal with it? sure.. i've dealt with worse.. but do i want to? is it/he worth it? right now i would say yes cuz i'm all in that lovey dovey i like him so much phase. i guess it would help if i knew where his head was at... well... u know what i mean!!

so tomorrow while i'm enjoying filipino food and turkey with ecua stuffing... i'll be thinking of him. and i'll be wishing he was next to me at my brother's table. cuz no one should be alone on turkey day... *sarg

is four days in a row too much??

2004-11-23T15:09:00.000-08:00

so let's go back in time to the weekend. we all know what happened after the ring ding thing.. i met up with ElDeLaPlumita and stayed over his place.. he drove me to work the next day... later that day we spoke. he was feeling crappy.. seems like i gave him my cold. so he wanted to stay in. i said ok.. thinking great i have to go to la kueva by my lonesome when he says... come over and spend time with me :0)...

so i make a quick pit stop at the liquor store and pick up some wine.. mmmm... and get to his place. he's cooking and we have a nice quiet dinner at home. we are both tired from our cold and from the antics of the night before.. and slowly begin to drift to sleep as we watch TV when his friend calls to go hang out. ok he says... we roll out of bed..i'm tired and tipsy from the wine.. he's just tired. we end up going bowling. now in my defense -- i havn't been bowling in years... i think the last time was... oh my god i can't even remember the last time.. needless to say i sucked ass. i freakin lost man!!!

but anyways after a quick game his friends decide to call it a night. arg... we were in bed already and they made us come out for one freakin game??? and to top it all off... we had to drive them home!!! que abuso. on the ride back to ElDeLaPlumita's house i had to keep the convo going cuz he was so tired. we talked about his exwife drama and his daughter and finally i complained about his friends.. i couldn't help it i was annoyed.

next day i leave around noonish... just to rest a little.. shower and get ready to go to the batcave. ElDeLaPlumita calls me and says he doens't know if he's gonna make it cuz he feels like crap and has a fever. i tell him well i'm gonna go for a little while. Missed Connections was playing and i wanted to meet up with el trompito and my excrush. so he says ok and goes back to bed. he calls me about an hour later while im in a cab and says he'll meet me there later.

he gets there and he's burning up. i try to keep him hydrated with cranberry juice and water but he feels crapy. he looked cute with his fresh haircut and stuff... but i knew he felt like shit. we were to stay just long enough to hear the band then go home. while waiting for the band to go on one of the chicks from the group (who now happens to be dating el argentino and she says he annoying as shit.. haha) asks him "is that ur girl?" refering to me.. and he says "yes"... "she's beautiful." "yep"... WHAT DOES THAT MEAN???

my excrush gets there and introduces himself. he later tells me that i was all wifey with plumitaboy... that i seem very into him.. and that plumitaboy seemed like a nice guy... had a good aura about him. he also said that i didn't dance all close to him like i usually did and that he missed that.. oh well... ur loss not mine.. :0)

so the band plays... the BAND was great. and ElDeLaPlumita wants to leave. he asks me if i'm staying.. um what?? of course not... i'm leaving with u. so as we are saying our goodbye's the chick that asked if i was his girl says to me..."u have a really good guy there... and u guys look so good together.. i was like oh my god when i saw ur hand on his knee.. u are both very lucky"... um... yeah i know he's a good guy... that's why i LIKE HIM SO MUCH!!!

next day i go tutor in the afternoon straight from his place... and we meet yet again for the movies later on... after the movie i make my way back home.. after 4 nights of not sleeping there. my parents.. pissed but surprisingly quiet about the whole thing.

so four nights.. isn't that a little much for two people that are just dating/fucking?? i think so. so does this mean that he also wants something more than just the dating/fucking?? i dunno... and i havn't built up the nerve to ask or even to bring up the "relationship" conversation cuz i'm afraid i'm gonna hear something that i don't want to hear. something like what mala said in her comment... "we're good friends why mess it up"... so it was a great weekend. i'm gonna try to stop stressing this whole let's define what this is crap cuz it's getting in the way of my enjoying the time i am spending with him...so that's it no more stressing.. no more thinking.. no more analyzing.. just enjoy and see where it goes... damn it i hope it goes somewhere... damn.. i'm stressing again.. arg

California dreamin'

2004-11-22T11:50:00.000-08:00

i had a great weekend... i hope all of u did too. I'll write about my weekend later on.. right now i have more important things on my mind... my best friend.

Mala went to cali on an all expense paid trip(i'm green with envy... or am i purple?? i don't really like green). she had a good time. I got a little worried when she didn't come back as scheduled, though. She's a very impulsive person and my first reaction was.. oh no.. she's not coming back. i guess that also had to do with how her sister told me she didn't come back... "she never came home and didn't call to tell us when she was coming". but she did come home. a day late but on cloud 9. and i was the first person she called...

when she first told me about her trip i knew she would fall in love with the west coast... much like i fell in love with san fran when i went earlier this year (my trip was also free... que suerte que tenemos). i knew that just like me she would start debating if the west coast wasn't a better option than the great but sometimes exhausting NYC life. NY is great but sometimes u just get tired. and i also knew that unlike me... she probably would move. she has the guts and the coraje to do it... and it's happening.

there are many factors that are holding her back. her family... which although they help her when they want hasn't really supported her decisions in life(career choices or personal choices). can she get a job there? of course. she's a brilliant chica. so that's a non issue in my book. her daughter... a super well adjusted child that will be able to blossom in any setting... as long as she has the support and love of her mother.. which she has. and she says all she has over there is el cubano... isn't that enough? he makes her feel good and safe. i havn't heard her say these things in well... ever. she's happy i can hear the smile on her face when i talk to her on the phone.

do i want her to go?? the week she was gone i missed her like crazy. checking every day if she had blogged or written me an email. calling like crazy they day she was due back home. and when i heard her voice friday night i felt relief... she's finally back...
but i want her to go. well at least i think she should go. she has a chance of doing something that will make her happy. maybe what she needs is a change of scene. to do something for her and her daughter. and if it doesn't work out??? well then she can always come back home.. because no matter where she is and how long she stays away.. NYC will always be her home. and her family and friends will always be here for her. so why not?? do it... be hapy... and cigarettes are so much cheaper in cali...

we'll always be friends. we havn't always been in the same state in the 14yrs we've been best girls. but just like NYC is home... we always come back... i'm home to her.. and she's home to me. i'll miss her and her daughter more than i care to imagine right now. but knowing that she's happy and well more than makes up for it.

so go mami... be happy. it's ur turn. finally.

exhaustion and once again a question

2004-11-19T13:02:00.000-08:00

Yes i am super duper tired once again. I wasn't expecting to see ElDeLaPlumita yesterday but he texted me that he wanted to go to the movies. I had plans but promised to call him as soon as i was done. As i was going to leave to my ring thing shing ding.. he calls me asking if i needed a ride to whitestone.. um hell's yeah!
before we go to whitestone we go and get something to eat.. well he eats and i drink my wine cuz i had dinner already. he does force feed me some bites off his plate, though.. mmm seafood.

so i go to my ring thing.. it was nice. but i couldn't wait to get out of there to go see him again. My girlfriend was like.. damn u just saw him.. what' s the hurry.. so i stayed a while longer.. and stuffed my face with these really good chicken and spinach wraps.

*side note... someone is eating really good smelling spanish food here... and i haven't had breakfast and it's making my tummy growl!!!!! arg

so i finally make it to his place. and it's too late to go to the movies. and he makes me feel a bad that i didn't bring him his puertorican pasteles... or some spinach wraps.. ok.. i didn't really feel all that bad. and then we had that incredible exhaustion inducing sex. :0)

ok so here's my question. I really like this kid. and it seems that he likes me. so do i ask him where this is going? do i ask him to define what "this" is?? or do i just leave it alone and let things happen naturally? see the thing is we have sex every single time we see each other. but we also talk every single day.. text each other during the day and make plans to see each other on the weekend. this week i've stayed over at his place twice already and i'm sure i'll be staying over this saturday. so is this a sex thing or something more?? do i ask? or will that make him run away like so many other boys?? i should stay shut and enjoy no?? no?? arg

blogging for bloggings sake

2004-11-17T10:26:00.000-08:00

so i have one.. count them one... faithful blog reader and he's complaining that i haven't blogged. didn't know u were really that interested.. really.

i had a day off yesterday. it was wonderful waking up at 11am instead of 5:30. It was great finally getting to clean my room.. i can now actually sit in my chair. it was good not having to rush to my tutoring job.. took my time. and it was good seeing ElDeLaPlumita after i finished teaching. I was a little surprised that he wanted to see me. we talk every day but hadn't seen each other during the week. he texted me during the day. my heart jumped every time my phone announced a new text from him. he called me as soon as he got home. asked me if i would come over. of course.

so after i finished teaching about rocks(really how do they expect 13 yr olds to stay interested in science if they teach them about the freakin rock cycle... let them crack open a fetal pig or a frog like i did in the 8th grade..) and after he dropped off his daughter i strolled into his house. I helped him make the bed.. thinking what's the point?? we're gonna mess it up soon anyways.

we watched a little bit of donnie brasco. he's all into mob movies... i'm not but donnie brasco is a good movie so i didn't mind. we talked, cuddled watched the movie then had incredible sex. it's been a while since i can honestly say i was exhausted after sex. exhausted but content. hmm.. content doesn't cut it.. super duper content??? lol

he asked me when was the first time i realized i liked him. i had never thought of that. i just liked him.. but i realized that it was on Halloween night. when was with my excrush at the bar and he came up for a drink. i said hi to him but neglected to introduce him to my excrush. i commented on his hair. he kept yelling for the bartender but the bartender ignored him. i thought it was so cute how he frantically called for the bartender so he could get his drink. I didn't see him for the rest of the night.. but that was the first night i saw him not as a friend of a friend but as something that i wanted. I asked him the same question... and he said the first night he met me.. two weeks before Halloween.

so i guess things are going well no?? i think he likes me and i like him. the sex is great if nothing else... but..i think i want something more.. no, i know i want something more.. we'll see what happens.

test stress and sleepiness

2004-11-15T12:18:00.000-08:00

for months i have been preparing my student for the TACHS exam (Test for Admission into Catholic High Schools). She was nervous. I was stressed. her mother was stressing the hell out of me. friday night we were going to pamper her... destress her... didn't happen. maybe it was that her father started saying that she wouldn't be allowed to go to the school of her choice.. or maybe when her father and mother started screaming at each other in her room... i just don't think that hearing ur father call ur mother a fucking retard helps in any way to destress a child. but after i kicked her parents out of her room and we started watching her fav movie Mean Girls(hey she's 13) she slowly drifted off to sleep. and i slowly crept out of her room... and out of her house to meet up with ElDeLaPlumita.

he came to pick me up and we headed to his friend's house. there we hung out for a while with him cousins and friend's. i laughed at his old birthday video. we kissed and hugged in front of his friends... and i didn't say a word... we left his friend's and dropped everyone at home.. a drawback of having a car i guess(never had to drop anyone off taking the train) and ended up at his place.

at about 6am... fuck i have to go. i have to call a cab and rush back to my student's house so i can take her to the test. her mother thinking that i would never make it starts freakin out... she needs u to relax!!! i get there.. wake her up and get her breakfast. she's calm.. until she gets in the car and her mom starts freakin out. we aren't going to make it.. we'll be late.. we need to buy pencils... eat ur food... drink ur tea... i can't believe we're going to be late... finally i look at her and say... shut up. u need to relax so she can relax. it worked. we blasted the music and sang ... well i sang... they tried to sing :0) we get to the test site. get her to her room. settle her in.. and i give her her final pep talk. then i lick her face(hey it makes the kid laugh cuz she can't believe i actually lick her face... whatever works) 3 hours later we go back and get her. she comes out and gives me a hug.. i hate u. u made the practices so hard and the test was so easy!!! well yeah... i made them hard on a purpose.. so that she would find the test easy. we get into the car... i give her a gift -- one of those foam pillows in the shape of a cow... she names the cow after me. and surprisingly i'm not offended. we head back to the house and her mother are suprised that i can still function on no sleep. maybe it's the 4 cups of coffee i had... maybe it's the relief that she did well on the test... i mean i almost cried from the relief... i had been super stressed... i just didn't show it. i have this habit of keeping things till i explode... i mean i've been known to keep things bottled up for 8 yrs even...
but i did sleep in the afternoon... like 2 hours... then went shopping. in the middle of all this he calls... asking where i am. i thought u were gonna come back right away... i've been waiting. hehe

i bought stuff for ElDeLaPlumita's daughter... small hello kitty stuff... cute stuff... and then i think.. is it too soon? what if he thinks i'm rushing things?? then i think.. fuck it.. i wanna buy the kid something.. if it scares him well screw that... i'm gonna be me and do what i want, right?

i head out to the cave a little late... but i meet up with him and another group of friends that just came from el ecua... everyone is drinking.. i don't say a word... we leave a little early and end up at his place. next day we have to get up early cuz we have to drop off yet another friend... then i get driven home.

while i'm home.. i get a phone call from a one of the boys from the cave.. that a group of them.. including el ecuarockero are hanging and they want me to go over... yeah.. um no. i mention it to plumita and he says -- what kind of girl do they think u are?? arg... i hate to think that other people have the same opinion of me... i hate to think that psycho boli's words have reached people's ears... i politely say no the the boy. and he tells me i've changed. that i'm not the same girl they met. but i havn't changed. i'm still me. why do people think they know me cuz they've seen me hang out and dance and have fun? they don't know me... they don't. half hour later ecuarockero's friend calls me... ur so beautiful.. u should come over. ick.. no.. an hour later ecuarockero calls to apologize for his friend. he tells me that his friend took his phone and called without asking. then he apoligized for himself saying he had been an ass and that he hoped i could forgive him. sure.. but i'm sleeping right now..call me later... knowing that he would never call.. cuz that's his MO. plumita says to me.. damn u have them all going crazy. they all like u... too bad i'm only interested in one person...

but here's my question. why am i so shy around him? canvasfly says that it's cuz i'm afraid i'll scare him off with my real personality. but then... i don't want him to be all scared when i do show who i am. i'm a person that doens't take anything seriously.. if i see an old woman fall.. damn it i'll laugh. i'm not a quiet person.. in fact i'm quite loud. so why am i so afraid of showing him that side of me?? is it that i'm intimidated by his perfect spanish and the fact that i'm slowly forgetting mine?? no se. i have to get out of my shell... i have to show him who fea really is...

Nobody really wants to be single

2004-11-12T11:13:00.000-08:00

So this friend of mine that seems to think paragraphs are important tells me this the other day while he's asking me about el de la plumita. he asks me how's my boyfriend... he's not my boyfriend.. and he says to me... c'mon. u know what u want... nobody really wants to be single... hmmm is there truth to that? have i just been saying "ooo single life" only cuz i don't want to face the fact that i'm alone? arg

I've spoken to feather boy (sounds a little kinky) everyday this week. yesterday i didn't call him to see if he would call me... u know to see if he wanted to talk to me... just to see if he liked me.. and he did. we spoke till 2 am. he told me about his psycho ex-wife. then he asked me if i was going to the batcave on friday... of course. i asked him are u going? si me invitas... bueno.. te invito. last week we met there.. this week he wants us to walk in together. i said what time do u want to meet? no... encontremonos antes para ir juntos. oh my god is this like a real date?? i havn't had a real date since midget boy. and then he says are u going to the batcave on saturday? i say probably.. and he says.. let's do something else so we don't do the same thing 2 days in a row... another date? :0) it feels nice having solid plans for the weekend with someone u really want to spend time with. so far with this kid i have found no excepts. and believe me i'm looking.

so i don't think i really want to be single. i mean all this meeting guys and "making friends" isn't it really just all looking for someone to spend time with and maybe it'll turn into something else?? otherwise... we would try to be alone, no?? i mean really alone. but that's not the case. maybe i just didn't want to be with those other guys... maybe i just didn't really like them and was forcing something and that's why i was so adverse to the relationship thing. it terrified me for a different reason than why i'm afraid now. i was afraid before cuz i didn' want to let my freedom go... wanted to date other people.. cuz i wasn't really feeling these guys. now i'm afraid that i'm gonna get hurt. cuz i really like this kid. yep... i like him. and i want something more than just friendship and casual sex with him... now if only i knew he felt the same way.

i guess it could be worse

2004-11-11T12:01:00.000-08:00

it's no secret that i HATE my job. i know hate is a strong word but actually it fits so damn well. i hate that it's so freakin far from my house. i hate that i have to tutor every night and i don't get home till 12am so i only get like 4 hours sleep. i hate that my boss thinks it's cute that he makes me want to throw up everytime he gets too close or says something inappropriate.... i hate this place so much that i don't think i've gotten through a week without calling out at least once.

*side note.. the starburst that i'm eating right now tastes like shit... that's not a flavor is it???

ok so on tuesday i tutor till late as usual... i'm about to call a cab when my friend/boss says to me.. oh no we'll drop u off. great i save $20. great, right? wrong. after making me wait like 3 hours they finally say to me.. we can't drop u off.. just sleep over and leave to the office from here.. arg. fine i sleep over. next day... dropping off the kids at school... my friend/boss says... stay the day with me. ok sure.. i'll work from ur house. should be fine... well i did nothing all day. we went for breakfast... got our nails done... went for lunch... baked a cake. and... i'm getting paid for it. not bad huh? so yeah i guess it could be worse... i still can't wait to get the fuck out of here though.. damn it's only 12... 4 more hours to go... *sarg...

el de la plumita

2004-11-09T10:49:00.000-08:00

so u have one guess what i did this weekend... yes ur right!!! i went to the batcave once again. i went solo this time cuz mala was coughing up a lung.. literally. i was a little apprehensive about going because it was going to be the first time i was going alone since psycho boli went... well psycho on me. i wasn't sure how the people would receive me. but it was pretty good. i hung out with all the other ecuas... there are a lot of them there damn it.
I specifically hung out with this one ecua... we'll call him el de la plumita for now cuz well it was something he said and that's how i have him in my cell phone.

so i spent my time at la kueva with le de la plumita. it was nice. he bought me drinks, we danced and afterwards a group of us went to his place to hang out... including el ecuarockero which proved to be a little uncomfy... especially when after i went to sleep in el de la plumita's room came in and forcibly tired to make me leave with him. i told him that there was nothing between us especailly after the info he gave me at the tertulia... he was upset. El de la plumita came back into the room and ecuarockero didn't have a choice but to leave me there with him. but that didn't stop him from calling me every 5 minutes on my phone.. or calling me to the living room through the door. i finally got up from my slumber and went out there.. again he started with the how can u do this to me... how can i do this to him? this is a guy that after the first night that i thought we had a connection would ignore me every chance he got. he would only talk to me after he was drunk and then never call me the next day. nothing ever happened between us... and he was talking about how he thought i was the one... yeah whatever.. what is it with these bandy types?? do they all have problems?

so after the drama with the rockero... all the guys woke up. el de la plumita's cousins kept calling me prima ... and i beat the crap out of the little one.. don't they know they can't mess with the brooklyn girl?? lol
we all went out to eat.. ecua food of course, que mas? then i had to get to work and el de la plumita drove me. nice not to have to bus and train it to bayside... so nice...

saturday night... went back to the batcave. again i didn't know what to expect since i was going alone. but it turned out ok . of course the same people were there. como siempre... at first el de la plumita didn't come up to me... but then he came around and sat next to me.. put his arms around me. kissed me in front of everyone. it felt nice... *sarg one of the other guys actually came up to him and congratulated him... lol... cuz i'm a prize to be won or something... afterwards we all went to his place again.. this time like 14 of us.. including el ecuarockero and psycho boli. i didn't really care my attention was on him. everyone left and i spent the night again. next morning i left in the afternoon. worried.

why am i worried... well cuz i don't want to like anyone... and i think i like this kid. worried because i know myself and when i start liking someone.. watch out!! so i'm being cautious. well at least i'm trying to be. i don't know what he wants and i sure as hell don't know what i want. that's the reason for the sarg... it's why i'm all giddy and unhappy all at once. i wish i knew what i wanted... *sarg

last night.. we spoke on the phone for hours. he makes me laugh. it feels nice... well shouldn't it?? no?? ay no se... what am i looking for???

she couldn't stay away

2004-11-04T23:53:00.000-08:00

mala couldn't that is... she came out to the tertulia last night even though she felt like shit. she had to say something about the fucked up election and damn it that girl threw together one real tight poem in less than an hour. she was a hit... with most people anyways... and once again.. she was happy that she came out... damn it she should listen to me more often.

it was a fun night. at first i thought my cute waiter had lost interest but then saw that i was wrong. hehe.. he's so geeky i love it. the other boys that i had invited didn't show.. well one did but only stayed long enough to buy me a drink. he's a sweetheart. but he's one of those perfect except guys so NEXT! oh and the thing with el ecuarockero is definitly off... for good. not only is the guy a flake but he's into things that are just way too much for me to handle. my addictions are strictly alcohol and shopping... and i like it that way. so he's off the list as well.

i did meet a nice guy. well i met him that last time i was at d'antigua but i couldn't remember his name. and i felt bad asking him cuz i had spoken to him on the phone a couple of times this week and hadn't asked him... how was i supposed to be like... so we've chatted on the phone and i don't even know ur name!!! but mala once again saved my ass... since she hadn't met him she just asked him... whew... but NoNameBoy is nice. seems sweet. and he took care of me this morning when i woke up with the worst hang over. i havn't found an except for him yet... well he hasn't called me tonight... but then again i left his place at around 2pm... so i guess that isn't an except.. i'll find one though... i always do.

for some reason the sound guy started talking to me and mala about sex. that was all the man talked about. we've chatted with him before since he does the sound for both d'antigua and la kueva.. but the man was out of control.. at one point mala sqeezed my leg and i just smiled. then he found someone's thong on his equipment.. lol...

but fun was had by all... mala took a few jabs at me with the whole last week drama... and i'm sure everyone was suprised to see us together after last week... but that's just how we are. through thick and thin.. through mistakes and bad judgements... mala is there for me and i'm there for her. and i'm waiting for her to make it big so she can feed me... i mean really why else would i stay friends with her for so long?? i'm waiting for the payoff.. anyday now.. anyday

sad sad day...

2004-11-03T08:32:00.000-08:00

it's a sad day today... for two reasons...
one.. kerry conceded to bush... *sarg... now i have 39 reasons to get the fuck out of this place. what happened? i mean really what happened? can someone explain to me how this could happen? i feel so... lost and confused... *sarg... sad sad day

two... mala is sick. sick enough that she won't be able to tertuliar today. i hoping that she'll feel well enough later on to at least come out for a drink. that always makes people feel better... really it does.. not the drinking but at least the hearing of our other friends performing and stuff. just the ambiente of the place u know?
but i'll be there ... thinking of her and how much more fun i'd be having if she was with me... feel better mami..

but come support the other poets and artists tonight:

D'antigua
can't remember the exact address and i'm too lazy to look it up.. but it's on Northern Blvd bet. 84th and 85th streets. starts at 9:30... see ya there!!!

wasn't meant to be

2004-11-02T15:16:00.000-08:00

so i've been trying to write a blog entry all day but something happens and i end up losing it... so i guess it's not meant to be huh? maybe i shouldn't force it?

the blog entry was about how i was sad that i'm not talking to psycho boliviano anymore. and how i've realized that i always end up with these possessive guys... why? well mala in her infinite wisdom says to me.. well because that just makes it easier for u to let them make all the decisions and that takes away any liablitiy u may feel if something goes wrong. hmmm... YES!

but anyways.. even though i know that psycho boli (i'm tired of spelling out the whole nationality so from now on it will be boli) is not the right man for me...(there must have been something seriously lacking in him if i didn't jump at the chance to be with him... oh yeah.. SANITY) and i know that he really didn't care all that much for me cuz if he did he would never have called me a whore... i still miss the fucker. i miss the friendship. before we were a thing we were friends... and it was good to have someone that was fun to talk to and shit. i'm more upset that he rejected the friendship that i offered him more than anything else. oh yeah and he called me a whore.

so is it that i don't want a relationship? why is it that i want to be alone.. and yet want to be with somone like that? someone who wants to know what i'm doing at every minute.. who i'm with.. and says horrible things when he doesn't get his way?is it for the security? and sadly i'm not just talking about psycho boli... fat poopie head was like that too.. midget.. well he wouldn't say horrible things to me... he would just break up with me over and over again.

all i know is that this perfect but shit has to stop. no more he was perfect when i met him but now i've been with him for 8 yrs... no more he's so cute and fun but has a woman in another country... no more he's perfect if only he weren't insane... damn it we deserve perfect. no more exceptions. no more. women like us shouldn't have to settle. and i'm not going to...
so no, that other blog entry where i was gonna be all sad and all oh i miss him wasn't meant to be... i'm looking for perfect and u weren't it.

now about my freakin cafe tacuba cd. i realized that my cd of my favorite band may be CURSED... and i'm not being dramatic.. ok maybe a little. but it just so happens that the day i listened to it at midget's house was the day he dumped my ass for the last time.. and i also played it at psycho boli's house the day i decided that my friendship was more important... thing is that it also always gets left behind. so now boli has my fav. cd.. and i want it back. it's my favorite cd. maybe i should use it's powers to get rid of the other perfect but guys that i'm currently talking to... hmm.. yes i must harness the power of the cd...

oo did u vote yet? sorry i know this entry is all over the place... but.. did u vote yet? did ya? well did ya? arg

happy dia de las brujas...

2004-10-31T23:43:00.000-08:00

last night at la kueva was pretty much dramaless... can we get an amen?? clap for jesus... it was fun. I got mala to come out with me... and she was all latexy in her dominatrix outfit. too bad she was hot as hell.. haha...

i went dressed as myself... well myself being the whore of la kueva. pero anyways. we had fun. cute bartenders... ecuarockero getting all bandy in his kilt... got good advice form yet another little ecua who ripped my name tag off and told me not to let that asshole get me down. that i was pretty and my self esteem should not be affected by a loser... hmmm..
easier said than done, no?
i guess the highlight of my night was when i ran into el argentino and asked him what was up with him... he tells me that he's involved with someone... and that i know that person and us being women it wouldn't be a good idea to be friends.. or some stupid shit like that... what the fuck is wrong with men??? arg... then as i walk outside to complain to mala about the freakin dork argentino i see her talking to el ecuarockero's friend.. and he's mentioning to her that someone was talking about us... he and el ecuarockero were in the bathroom talking about mala and me... when someone... someone short.. tells them.. yeah i was with her. i'm not clear on what else he said but hmmm... let's see... the only person at la kueva that i have been with and is short is the fucking MIDGET!!!! WTF??? and he made it sound like i just fucked him to fuck him.. i was in love with this loser!! we were "together"... or as together as u can be with a freakin guy that has a woman in another country waiting for him. i really hate boys!

my crush showed up as well. although i need to change his name cuz i don't think i'm crushing on him anymore. i mean i like him and all but his flakiness is such a turn off. i said to him... if only things were different between us... he says.. funny how some things turn out. yes it is. sometimes they turn out for the better. i like him as a friend. and i'm ok with it being just that. really i am.

all in all it was a good night. danced a little with my dance partner and my crush... saw people get bandy. went out with my girl...

funny thing ended the night. my mother calls me at like 6 am.. screaming at the top of her lungs... where the fuck are u? what's wrong with u staying out all night u said u were coming home early and we have to be in PA early... eres irresponsable... donde estas carajo??!!!! um... estoy en mi cuarto... estaba dormida ya. ah... y a que hora llegaste? bueno m'jita chao. haha. perfect.

i guess i really am a band whore

2004-10-30T14:19:00.000-07:00

at least that's what he said to me last night... or rather this morning.
i went to see el boliviano at la oveja last night.. went to support my friend ya know? i felt strange at first. because el ecuarockero had called me earlier to find out if i was going. and when i got there he was paying more attention to me than he ever has. el boliviano rocked. it was good seeing him get all bandy. and i was glad that we remained friends. well i thought i was.

after watching el boliviano and his band, el ecuarockero and i left to la kueva. he would meet us there later he said to me. so at la kueva i run into my dance partners and start having fun. all the while i'm talking to people el ecuarockero is right there. getting me drinks and we are all having fun. i see el boliviano to the side. watching me. he comes up to me and says.. u seem to be having fun. i say i am thanks. el ecuarockero and i leave at closing... and end up at another bar where i meet some of his other friends. then the phone calls start. where are u? u should be with me. why where u making out with him in front of me? i say. look there is nothing between us. we are just friends. we agreed it was for the best.

i mention to el ecuarockero something about his friend. and it bothers him. he's my friend he says... what happened between the two of u? he says.. u know what we'll talk about it tomorrow... i'm still waiting for his call.

he puts me in a cab. el boliviano calls me again. ur a whore he says. u made me look bad in front of everyone. and ur reputation at la kueva is shit. ur a whore. this bothers me cuz well.. i'm not a fucking whore. i havn't fucked anyone there... then he says... u were all rubbing urself against people it's disgusting... hmmm... rubbing myself against people... nope.. i was dancing with my friends... carajo it's just dancing.

he hangs up on me... then calls back... i'm just letting u know that i'm erasing ur phone number from my phone... um.. ok... hangs up

then calls back... are u still in the cab? yes... i'm worried about u call me when u get home. ur worried about me? a couple of minutes ago u told me u never wanted to speak to me again... hangs up

then calls back... u home? yes. good. i'm glad ur safe. then he starts with the whore shit. that my rep is shit. that i'm shit and he can't believe he ever showed any interest in me. i start crying.. why is he doing this to me? i ask him.. why are u doing this to me... i've done nothing wrong. u did everything wrong.

did i almost lose my best friend for that? did i? what was up with me when i decided that it was ok for me to be interested in a man my friend had slept with? what was up with me that i didn't see how wrong i was. he said he was dissappointed in me... well i am too. because now not only is my best friend pissed at me... but because of this shit it may have ruined my friendship with el ecuarockero.

he just called to find out if i went to work. i call him back.. yes i'm at work.. i thought u were gonna get rid of my number.. oh i will... i was just worried about u... sure.. and this time i hung up.